Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

Close encounters of the winz kind

You all remember my old nemesis the malevolent WINZ.

The evil bastards say I owe them money. I think that I am saving them money by voluntarily cutting myself off from them and we should call it even.

They contacted my bank to try and take money out of my account. Oh Nice try you little Satan’s spawn. But I am way ahead of you. I had already closed it! Hahahaha Suck on that assholes! They shall never winz the evil losers.

So anyway I found this blog and it brings the wretchedness of winz glaringly back in its complete horror. This woman has been blogging her journey into the depths of the darkside.

There is:

WRK4U

The forms

The reality

The call centre

The reassessment

I don’t miss winz at all.

Maybe I should send my ex-case manager an email.

Dear Mr ex-case manager

Hey what’s new in your little pocket of misery?

Just thought I would let you know that I am not missing winz at all. I know that you evil domain is a mere shell of its former self without me to brighten things up.

I have a job, I was gonna get another as well, ya know to make up for lost time. But I am too slack. Old habits die hard I guess.

Does winz still think I owe them money? I could come back and sit on the dole for awhile while you take it back at $10 a week if you like.

Have any misfortunes befallen those I hate most there?

Give them my hate and distain.

Cheers

Just one day before I go

Last week I called winz to try and get an appointment about ending my reliance on the government teat. To stop being a dole bludger, well they told me that the next appointment I could get was on like October 6. a bit bloody late then!

So I sent an email to my old case manager. I like to email him as his emails are quite amusing and its good to keep him on in case I need special favours. Plus I remember the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

Sadly he was going away so couldn’t help, but oh how I laughed so hard when I got a letter from winz demanding my appearance at one of their lame course. Ok so it was called a seminar but so was the last one and it was a dirty filthy course!

So I decided to show up for it. They asked what job I wanted so I suggested that being one of those ladies who lunch (you know the ones who live to shop and organise charity things) would be fun. They gave me a form to fill out with times I was available to work. I didn’t write on it as I didn’t want to waste the paper. I told the guy running the seminar this and he gave me the whole we will cut off the cash speech.

I was like well what if I wanna cut it off anyway.

So he gave me a change of circumstances form. I filled it on putting that my address has changed to Lady’s and to please stop my benefit from September 28 2006. Well the guy was not satisfied with this and told me I had to write more detail. I was like why can’t I get the cash cut off if I want to?

They were like write if you got a job like when you start so I said what if I would just rather live under a bridge than deal with winz any longer.

But I wrote that I was going to

Malaysia

to visit family.

So then the guy took me out of the room to deal with the form and told me I need to write even more. So I wrote about going to

Australia

and then I became possessed by an evil spirit and decided if they wanted me to write a lot then I would write out what I could remember of the goodbye winz speech I wrote.

Dear assholes

Thanks for the cash.

I won’t miss your incompetence and general bastardious behaviour.

I hope never to have to cross paths with you again, but if I ever have to return through your dark doors I hope that you would have learnt how to be less evil and treat me like a human being instead of as that which is lower than pond scum.

May those who tortured me be anally raped with a spiked dildo.

Hate

Heehee so very bad of me. I hope whoever reads the form has a sense of humour!

The guy wanted me to give him some id and I was like what the fucking hell do you want that for. He was like do you want to rephrase that? Well no I didn’t really want to but I did. Turns out that people have had other peoples money cut off. Hahaha what an awesome thing to do to your enemies!

So yes I am now free from winz! Woohoo! Sweet sweet freedom!

So then I went shopping and bought a money belt from

Kathmandu

that was on sale. Half price bonus! The touristy shop had some Pukeko coat rack hooks things on sale so I bought one to take as a gift.

Then I went to the gym for the last time. Had a lovely chat to all my friends there. I will miss them.

Well I do have to go in when I get back and try to sort out my membership, blah.

I called the landbitch about my hovel. She made me clean more, bitching about the mould on the ceiling of the spare room. Nevermind that it is no doubt caused by a leak in the roof. Also made me do more to the backyard. I think she just wanted something to complain about. I suspect she gets off on that. She is like a pitbull in lipstick, a very bad shade of bright pink lipstick. So I am sending Lady to meet her tomorrow and return the key.

Tomorrow dad is picking me up at 8.30am. Well hopefully if his chest infection is ok. Stress stress!

Then we are driving to

Auckland

and the next day I am leaving on a jet plane! A Malaysian airlines 777-200 to be exact.

I am not sure how much internet access I will have on my trip. I may blog lots or I may have to wait and write big reviews when I get back. We’ll see. Wish me luck!

I am off to see the world. Dance of joy time. Well ok after panic packing time.

Then my motto shall be Veni, Vedi, Visa. I came. I Saw. I did a little shopping.

I’m sorry! I won’t call you again I promise.

I must not confess to the evil I have done in my past. Winz made me do it of course as with all truly ghastly things. Another do it or we cut off the cash thing. I did wonder how the people I bothered would feel if I told them and asked if they would rather be annoyed during dinner or just have their taxes give me a pittance to live a meagre existence.

I really really hated doing telemarketing and I still feel guilty about it. Please forgive me!

When going there each night I would look at the people I passed and feel intensely jealous of them because I knew that they weren’t going where I was.

Some people I called were nice and others told me that they had had a good evening until I called or that I was harassing them. Such a joy, but it did make me think about how I answer the phone. I want to sound happy and nice. So I do try and answer the phone brightly.

I did calls for a real estate company asking people if they want to sell their house. One of the agents had his script written to say how he wanted to get his name out there and known. All I could think was that how can it be a good thing to be known as the ass that disturbed you at home during the good TV show? Other telemarketers told me how people they called said that if they did decided to sell that they would definitely not use this guy, heehee yay them! It was funny because we weren’t told how his name was pronounced so we guessed until a chick called someone who turned out to know him and was like do you mean… So his name is out there wrong to quite a few people!

Anyway the whole thing was horrid and I found myself hating the very few people who agree to let an agent call them. My theory was that I was forced to do this so people deciding to just not be telemarketers would not work, but those that give in to the telemarketers are just encouraging them.

Eventually the people running the evil empire of telemarketing just stopped asking me to come in. I consider it to be a lucky escape! I saw a chick who worked there later and she told me how she had a better job and hated the woman who ran it (I always got a bad vibe from her too). She told me that another chick who worked there was fired because she didn’t come into work. The fact that she didn’t know she was supposed to coz they hadn’t told her she was scheduled to work then was apparently irrelevant.

I also found out that another woman who worked there was doing calls for insurance companies, since they didn’t want to insure the elderly if someone answered that sounded old they would just say wrong number. Plus if they got someone who wanted to have a chat they would claim that the fire alarm had gone off! So sneaky!

Now when a telemarketer calls me I usually just say no thanks. But I want to say I’m sorry but I have a policy of not buying anything from telemarketers as I don’t want to encourage the practise.

Or just use the counter script.

Freedom

The winz course finished today. I didn’t even have to go in today as they called and said not to this morning, I probably shouldn’t have sounded so happy when I said so I am free?!?! Sweet sweet freedom!! Ok so not free for long. In two weeks there is the dreaded 8.30 club which involves standing outside in the freezing cold of the early winter’s morning. So I survived the course without harming myself or others. An impressive feat indeed. On the first day when we had to write out expectations of the course and I wrote that I expected constant threats of the cash being cut off and to eventually be kicked out. Quite surprising that it didn’t turn out that way. Score for the expect the worst and it can only get better approach. Plus the days off and drugs must have helped. So yeah it was pretty much as lame as I expected. Same old crap and they did actually ask me what type of animal I would be. For the record I said liger. A lot of the time we just sat around and chatted. Really not worth getting up when it’s cold and hauling ass there for! Yesterday we had to come dressed as we would for a job interview in our chosen career. I said I wanted to work in Antarctica so I could dress warm. But I was a good wench and dressed up. Prettied my self up real nice I did. I now hate myself for being so compliant, I should have worn something controversial just for fun. Oh well it is over now and I must begin work on a method to remove myself from the madness of the morning meetings. Well when I have recovered sufficiently from this experience! And accept the loss of the hours of my life I will never get back!

Semi successful super secret squirrel scheme

Yeah I love alliteration! So the scheme was to get out of the course by getting a medical certificate. The people running the course should have realised that if they said we could only get out with one that some of us would be desperate enough to try it!

I went to the doctor yesterday. Told him I was depressed, not hard with winz involved!

Ok I didn’t actually say that. I told him the truth about how much my life sux. I even cried which is nothing new for me, I cry when I am sad, angry, chopping onions, laughing too hard… its not a good look for a tough bitch! But yeah its pretty sad being as pathetic as me.

Man the doc could talk! Said so much I don’t remember it all, but I remember he said that he failed to get into med school a couple of times. Yeah way to reassure a patient buddy! He also said that my thinking was illogical because I think I fail at everything. I think bitter experience proves otherwise (hey this was only semi success!)  So now in a big fuck you Tom Cruise I have been prescribed some antidepressants. Hey the city I live in has been called the suicide capital. I gotta have some protection.

I got a med cert but it’s not for long enough to get out of the whole course. Have to go back on Monday. Thus the semi success, I just hope the happy pills have kicked in by then!

I don’t think I can get a job while on the course. If Supernanny and Dr Phil have taught me nothing else it’s that you don’t reward bad behaviour. If winz sends me on a course they should be on the naughty step not getting me right where they want me! Not that I really have much choice in the matter considering all the rejections I get. It think its pretty clear that my last job was just a fluke.

I did freak the fuck right out after going to see the doc. I mean I know I feel bad, but with my craptastic life isn’t that standard. If I didn’t feel down about its mega suckatude wouldn’t I just be delusional? What if the pills don’t work coz it’s not my broken brain making me as nutty as a fruitcake?

I guess will just have to try them and see. I am taking my first pill tomorrow so wish me luck!

You may now use the comments section to share the nice things you would say about me in my know me before you judge me ad. :)

WINZ strikes again.

Oh my god winz got me again! Those evil bastards! Remember the seminar I was to do today? Well turns out it is a course! I am so filled with rage now. My case manager just said it was a seminar and I could choose to do it this Friday or the next one. I figured I would just go and get it over with. I am so annoyed, I agreed to go to a seminar not a course! And I think it is the same lame one I got kicked out of previously (winz asshole lied and claimed I hadn’t been doing stuff when I had). I pointed out that last time when that happened and they cut off the cash I just had to go to an employment agency to get it back so how about I just got there instead again. They wouldn’t let me. They also didn’t like it when they asked what type of work I was looking for and I said that I wanted to be a supermodel but I was born ugly.

I know its sounds awful that a highly unemployable parasite on society like me would complain about the way winz operates. But the fact is these courses don’t work and are just so pathetic.

They of course say I have to do it or they cut off the cash a threat that is so overused they need to find a new intimidation technique. I mean if say I risked them  tying me down and forcing me to watch boy band videos then maybe I would be duly frightened enough not to be true to myself. but instead I say screw them and embrace my inner bitch.

But really they say that if I don’t do the course then I will be work tested which means they will cut off the cash and test how well I survive. Seriously! I wonder how many people turn to crime, or what their suicide rate is.

I need to find a way to get out of it. A scheme so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel.

I have stolen my sister’s gay best friend. I am such an evil wench sometimes. Well she doesn’t seem to mind and he wouldn’t have let me drag him over to my dark side if he didn’t want to be there. He said that I could be his fruit fly. It was a big moment for us.

I have corrupted my fruit and now he too knows the frustrations of dealing with winz. We came up with a list together because you have to amuse yourself when dealing with them just to stop yourself from a spectacular rage blackout.

So I present to you, Things to do in a winz office:

·Say loudly "no I won't sleep with you for a good grant".

·Ask for a business start up loan to start a brothel.

·Ask the security guard if he has handcuffs you can play with.

·Stamp your hand with an original sited stamp and try to stamp your case manager.

·Ask if there’s a special supplement for being homosexual.

·Make a very loud and sudden animal squawk as you sitting there waiting for your appointment.

·Try to recruit other clients into your cult.

·Ask if u can get the DPB from conception and then suggest he impregnate u under the desk.

·Say your religion doesn't believe in filling out forms.

·Insist on sitting on the ground instead of the chair.

·Ask if you can play solitaire on her computer while she's away photocopying.

                                 

·Ask if u can add your job vacancy to the job sheet and write in sex slave.

·Bring a bottle of alcohol and play the every time the word job is mentioned drinking game.

·When asked what type job you want say blow.

·Ask for more money to support your crack habit.

·Sit suggestively & show some obvious skin to your same-sex case manager.

·When they are being especially difficult ask why they became a case manager and try not to fall off your chair laughing when they claim it’s to help people.

·Start singing get a haircut and get a real job…

·Take a large bottle of water and splash it around saying it is holy water and you must cleanse the place of evil. Make sure to get your case manager in the face.

·Ask them to pay for your blog since you need it to vent the frustrations of dealing with them and it’s cheaper than therapy!

The day of the devil

Today was the 06/06/06. I saw all the sixes and knew that WINZ had to be involved. For those of you uninitiated with this form of pure evil WINZ officially stands for Work and Income New Zealand. I am pretty sure that unofficially it is Wankers, Idiots and Nazi Zealots. They give out money in unemployment benefits. But the benny is a pittance and WINZ go out of their way to make it such a horrible experience that you can feel nothing but contempt towards them.

So yeah I am an unemployed loser/bum, a dole bludger or my current fav term involuntarily leisured.

Not exactly what I planned for my life but I suspect that my only purpose in life may be to serve as a warning to others!

This morning was freaking freezing and I had to drag my ass down to the winz office. The meeting was pretty pointless. My case manager asked me about my job hunting and I told him I could quote the rejection letters and proceeded to do so. It got him off my ass about that mostly but I do have to go to some stupid seminar. At least it wasn’t the most dreaded of tortures that WINZ likes to pull out on a regular basis, THE COURSE.

Yes unemployed scum must be punished and sending us on a course is the way it’s done. I don’t think I can remember all the courses I have done (repressing the horrific memories I’m sure) but these are still burned into my poor warped mind:

·        One held at the university where we played lame games, and they threatened me with do it or we cut off the cash (they do that with everything thou so no biggie)

·        One where the guy who took it was a total Tony Robbins wannabee and actually cut his way out of a cardboard box with an electric saw in an attempt to make an impressive entrance. I was so motivated by him I nearly pulled a muscle rolling my eyes!

·        Outward Bound OMG! The guy who came up with this is a total sadist! They sent me in the middle of winter and I can’t even think of it without feeling cold. I have never been so absolutely icy freezing cold as I was there, they made us swim in the sea early on winter mornings and then we weren’t allowed hot showers. After I ended up drinking tea which I hate to try and warm up from the inside at breakfast, they don’t even allow coffee there. So many cruel and painful things I won’t even go into them all. I lasted a week and then ended up really sick in bed for two weeks. Top marks to WINZ here for a full torture experience!

·        Then there was the course where we had to study such things as how to fill in a form. Seriously! I guess that my life went wrong just because I had never had that lesson before. I am just worried that the week I was away was when they taught how to remember to breathe!

Yes life at the mercy of a evil empire is such a joy.