Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

Plan C

The answer to the big question of where should I go on my next trip has been found.

First I’d considered a South American adventure as I haven’t been to that continent at all (that and Antarctica are my last 2). But Plan A was scrapped when I realised that with the period needed to save up for the trip. By the time I could get there it would very annoyingly coincided with a couple of big sporting events (a world cup and an Olympics). This tends to make places busy and expensive and really not a good time to go.

 

Then I thought about Africa or India as a possible Plan B as I have only been to the north of the great dark African continent (Morocco and Egypt) and I’d never experienced the beauty and chaos of India at all.

 

But then Plan C came a calling and it goes by the name of Canada.

Why Canada? Because I can!

Blame Canada and their changed visa rules for my new plan as I was checking out visa situations for my travels online noticed that there is a working holiday in Canada program that is called international experience Canada.

As soon as I read about it I knew my decision was made and my travel goal was clear.

Forgive me for I shall be Canadian (well at least for a year).

I am hoping I will fit in easily as I can already pass the Canadian test by understanding the sentence:

Can you pass a serviette, I dropped some poutine on the chesterfield when my tuque slipped over my eyes*

 

Thus I got to thinking about how I would do it.

Seems the best place to start is Vancouver. Not only it is supposed to be a wonderful city but that’s where flights from Aus/NZ land.

I could get a job at a ski resort (Whistler I’m looking at you), mount a Mountie (that uniform is hot and police carry their own handcuffs), shop at their local stores (mountain equipment co op), get a job at their chain of coffee shops (Tim Horton’s) and freeze my butt off in their icy winter (wait it gets to minus what???).

 

 

Later I discovered that I could also get a similar visa for the Czech Republic.

I love the idea of getting a place as a base in Prague and spending a year there while travelling around Central and Eastern Europe. There is a whole bunch of Western Europe I haven’t seen yet either.

 

While it would be brilliant to be able to do both, I don’t think I can due time and financial constraints.

If I have to pick one which seems to be the case then I will still go for Canada.

Thinking about it what I really want to see in the Czech Republic is Prague and Cesky Kromlov and I could probably do that in a week.

Canada is much bigger (hugely!) so it seems that it really needs more time to see it. Plus as it is a working holiday the lack of a language problem (well except maybe French in Quebec) is a significant incentive.

 

So Canada it is.

I am now thinking about the details such as what else shall I see while I’m ‘in the neighbourhood’.

My Canadian friend DannyBoy had once told me that there are flights from Canada to Greenland and if I am gonna go there I need to go to Iceland too. If only to see the total WTF of the situation.

 

I also considered the camp counsellor USA thing as it has an age limit. I don’t hear my biological clock ticking. I hear my travel clock and it says ‘oh I have to do that before I’m too old. Should I do it now? Otherwise it’s never’.

But then I asked my friend who did it what she thought and she said it is really stressful and not worth the money.

So I think I would probably be better off just saving up and maybe doing things like a road trip across the USA (route 66 baby). Or maybe finally taking that Caribbean cruise I have been dreaming of for most of my life.

 

So anyway the grand plan is to get a job in Australia, save up the cash, figure out answers to big questions like what will I pack? Can I go carry on only in cold climates? (Being a working holiday makes this harder).

Then I shall dress warmly and make my way to the great white land in the north of America.

Oh the excitement. Maple leafs ahoy!

 

 

 

*the translation is can you pass me a tissue/napkin as I dropped some of a dish consisting of fries covered in gravy and cheese curds on the sofa/couch when my warm hat slipped over my eyes.

The best country for getting European Union citizenship

So the idea of proposing to a partner for a passport is not a new one.

Plus I know the EU has issues at the moment. But hopefully they will figure out how to fix them. The reason the European Union is the place to aim for is that you can live and work in any of the countries in the EU once you are part of the club.

Plus they tend to be countries where with highly regarded passports, there is a Henley ranking  that shows how many countries you can get into without a visa for each passport and the top of the list is dominated by EU countries.

 

The reason you’d want to do it via getting hitched is that it can drastically lower the time it takes to obtain citizenship and that shiny new passport.

This all leads to the question: Which is the fastest country for obtaining citizenship by marriage? The essential query of what’s the quickest way to get you into the EU after a quickie wedding.

 

Ok so it’s wrong to get married just for residency or so will claim the immigration agents. But let’s face it a marriage of convenience is probably a more sane idea than a marriage for love alone.

After all marriages seldom last (half of all marriages fail) so you might as well get something out of it.

 

So consider spousal sponsored citizenship as just a perk of buying into the old institution of marriage.

Just think, if it takes seven years to get citizenship in say Lithuania then you should be getting it just as the seven year itch arrives.

By the time you are sick of each other you can have an EU passport and run off anywhere else in the European Union.

Now since you don’t know how long the relationship will last so it makes sense to go for one where you get residency the in the shortest amount of time.

 

Also if you are from a country that already had a good passport you’ll want a country that recognises dual citizenship. This is because there are lots of benefits to having more than one passport. You will have a backup when one is off getting visas. If your current country’s passport lasts only five years you can try for a second that lasts ten.

The benefit of two (or more!) passports is that as each country has different rules you can choose to use the one that provides cheaper visas perhaps like Syria, or longer visa in somewhere like Singapore.

 

But choose wisely.

Sure Turkey wants to be part of the EU and In Turkey I am Beautiful (aka ugly chicks have a better chance of finding a willing groom). But I’ve met a guy who was turned away at the border of Lebanon as he had a Turkish passport. So not so good for travelling.

 

So anyway I decided to do my bit to help those more fortunate than me in the practical prospective partner game. Yes I got my excel going.

Now remember kids this is from the net (it can be hard to get an easy straightforward answer online) and stuff changes all the time. I tried to simplify the info for a sweet little succinct spreadsheet.

 

 

So what country is the best from the table?

Well that depends on what you want. For example is cost more important to you than Henley rank or dual citizenship recognition?

 

For me personally I could go back to the UK as I loved London (it’s like the centre of everything and has good public transport). But what if it is a case of it not being as good when you return? Maybe I only remember the good stuff and if I returned would be able to get a good job and find a nice flat? Or would it just be cold, crappy and miserable. 

 

But I’d love to live somewhere new and I have my eye on Italy. I have been to Italy and loved it. I could so totally spend some time hanging out there eating marinara pizza and soy vegan gelato.

Spain would also be great as I do need to learn Spanish. Plus these Mediterranean countries must be better for vegans.

I have never been to Ireland but hey potatoes are vegan! Plus I speak the language diddly dee potatoes.

 

Not that I am actually going to do this. No naughty nuptials leading to naturalization for me as I can’t even find someone willing to date me let alone marry me.

Besides I think I would want both love and citizenship (oh and money for the perfect marital trifecta).

I just think that if you were out there looking for love you could focus your attention on an area that is the easiest to get a new nationality as well.

Just don’t go saying that I told you to do it if you get caught!

Oshkosh my gosh!

Rosie wanted me to marry her ex and stay in the states.

The theory was that if I married him I could get a green card and thus a job and be able to hang out with her forever.

And after all she was done with her ex so why not pass on to me?

 

Besides Rosie gotten herself a new boyfriend.

He was home schooled and has like a dozen siblings so he has been brainwashed the Dugger way I am sure.

We did have a religious argument he was saying that thing "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing”. I totally won when I pointed out that god does nothing.

We got along fine but he cracked me up one day when He walked past my room, looked in the open door and just said “atheist!”

I also amused myself muchly one night as his being a good little Christian boy meant that Rosie had to break him in.  While she did this I was chatting to Dannyboy on Skype in the next room so I played I just had sex and every sperm is sacred for him. 

 

 

I went along with the getting Rosie’s ex idea although I have to admit that while there are many things I like about the United States there are two things that stop me from wanting to become a citizen.

The first is the lack of a decent national healthcare system.

I mean WTF? The USA is supposed to be the richest country in the world and they can’t even take care of their citizens? I think that proper healthcare is a need not just a want and a pretty big need too. I know that things like the NHS aren’t perfect but at least the people have something.

 

The second thing is that the USA has a citizenship based taxation system.

Apparently the Philippines used to have this but changed their law not so long ago. So now it is just Eritrea that has a 2% tax to fund their dictatorship and the USA.

What this means is that even if you don’t live in the county you have to pay tax.

Seriously what the hell would I be getting for my money?

And yes they do have a foreign earned exclusion and it is about $95000 per year but what if I did get rich? I don’t want to pay money to a country I am not even living in.

Plus I would still have to go to the trouble of filling out a tax return each year.

I prefer my citizenships to be in countries with fair and logical territorial taxation systems. This means it is based on living in the country and thus I can convince myself, benefiting from my tax dollars at work. Or even better I could travel around and pay taxes to no one.

 

 

So anyway Rosie set up a play dates for me and her ex which I thought was cute.

Ok so I have a plant theme going at the moment, no point changing it so what shall I call the ex? Thorn? Ick way too soap opera. Let’s go with Basil.

 

Basil’s a nice guy and he’s into flying and so he took me to Oshkosh for a day.

On the way there I saw that EAA had been written in the sky. This is because the full name of the show is the Experimental Aircraft Association AirVenture.

The skywriting was on a beautiful blue sky and it was luckily the weather was fine and it hadn’t been raining otherwise the event would be known as sploshkosh.

 

As we were buying tickets the lady selling them asked if we were married.

So I turned to Basil and said “you are going to marry me right?”

She thought this was so funny that she gave us the spouse discount.

 

Oshkosh is huge and the control tower is the busiest in the world for the week that it runs each year.

I was very happy to go the day we did as it was the only one that had the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner making an appearance.

So the first thing we did upon entering was go and find her.

There she was big, sleek and painted blue. And there was the line to go inside her. It just kept going and going so ridiculously long that we quickly realised that it wasn’t gonna happen for us. Very sad but there were so many other things to see!

 

I had forgotten to bring my hat but no problem. We went to the AOPA tent and I was given a free blue baseball cap with AOPA printed on the front in white.

Across from that tent, we visited the new flying car. This is a vehicle that can drive on the highway and then take off. This was the first new one since the 1950s and the old one was just outside.

 

Walking down to the vintage aircraft area, Devil Duckie was confronted with Devil Dog on a blue plane.

Later I spotted a pretty pink flowery plane but I didn’t see any life-sized Barbie doll walking around who I assume it belonged to.

In the Honda tent (they make aircraft too) we watched a demonstration of Asimo a humanoid robot. Asimo the amazing android could climb stairs and when he ran both feet were off the ground.

 

Soon it was time to watch the air show (they have one each day). On the way I managed to acquire a free airship, of the stress relief squeezy toy variety.

We found a spot and sat down, it was very hot sitting on the grass and although I was wearing my new hat I also felt the need to try and use my umbrella to shade me from the searing sun.

 

The air show was opened with parachutists. One had a huge flag attached to him.

The show had a harrier jet, privately owned and just plain awesome.

This is the British fighter jump jet that can do vertical takeoff and landing and hover in the air. Probably it’s most famous as ‘that plane from the movie true lies’.

 

There were lots of old fighters flying in formation and synchronised bombing.

It concluded with a wall of fire on the runway and Basil took a perfectly timed photo of it for me.

 

The 787 came out to depart and I liked looking at the contrast between the first real airliner the Douglas DC3 (it was the first aircraft that could make a profit just from passengers) and the newest airliner.

It has been so many years between the development of the ‘gooney bird’, this happy model was named Duggy and Boeings new plastic fantastic jet, so called as it is made of composites. She’s also known as the 7 Late 7 due to the many delays in production.

 

It was a fabulous day as Oshkosh is so awesome. I would love to go back in the future and stay for the entire week.

It just makes my geeky little heart happy!

This post is brought to you by the letter F for fuck it!

So I thought I would update about what happened with the Finn after my little slice of heaven in Hel with him.

Because while Good girls go to heaven. I went to Helsinki.

So I could sum it up with in one word: Nothing.

But that isn’t much of a blog now is it?

 

So the Finn did email occasionally for a few months or so after I left Finland.

But in the end he was just like every other online guy and simply stopped replying to my emails.

Like a Nordic no dick he didn’t have the balls or common decency to say why or bye.

 

I wish I could say that it was a surprise but it is always this way.

I always know they are slipping away but I don’t know how to prevent it from happening. It just seems to be the unstoppable inevitable with hope slipping thru my fingers.

I really wish I didn’t have hope as I know it is stupidly unrealistic and it just leads to disappointment. But I am obviously desperate and dumb.

I have to remind myself that the freezing Finnish winter did not caused frostbite resulting in his fingers falling off.

He just didn’t want to email me.

 

So how did I scare him off?

It’s not like I said hey I really like this ring on the Helsinki map so how about it? (Although it was pretty and shiny).

I sent him an email of my brilliant suggestion, because I am full of good ideas:

“So I looked up the Schengen visa situation and apparently I can stay in the Schengen area for three months, but then I gotta be out for three months before I can return.
Therefore, in my little cash-is-irrelevant Schengen agreement compliant fantasy: I can travel around for three months and then you can tie me up and spank me like the naughty little girl I am until I have to go travel some more.

This shall be known as Vagabondage”

Well I thought it was good.

He seemed less enamoured with this plan.

 

I know that the fun finny fling has been flung. It was just a Finnish fantasy and the fine Finn fucking is finished. But I shall forever remember the fantastic time I had in Finland fondly.

I wish I could remember every single moment, as the memories need to sustain me forever.

Yeah so I realise that the idea of me having a romantic relationship is recognizably ridiculous

But I didn’t see why we couldn’t just be fabulous friends in the future.

Unfortunately even that was too much to ask.

 

So the thing is we emailed for about 5 months and met for 5 days. I guess you are wondering why am I so hung up on him.

What makes it hard to get over is that I know I most likely wont experience anything like this again.

He was everything I wanted in a man. He matched my interests and he was nice, smart, funny and attractive. Not forgetting rich and stupid enough to pay for a luxury hotel room for me.

I know I should have protested as a strong independent woman and not let him pay for things, but I liked having him take care of me and not having to think.

I am not saying he was perfect but I overlooked his faults (He didn’t have the looks of Brad Pitt, the bank account of Bill Gates or the dick of Dirk Diggler).

Why couldn’t he overlook mine?

 

I admit enjoying obsessing over this. Thinking that if things had been different he could have been the first guy I could have actually fallen in love with.

Not that I am stupid enough to do things like that. I have a strict policy that I will only fall for someone after they fall for me. Ha! as if right.

The fact is that I will sadly never know the wonders of loving or being loved by someone.

 

I just want to be able to look back fondly at my fabulous time in Finland. Instead of being invisible and ignored I was getting attention and it was something I adored. I felt attractive.

The memories are fantastic but they are mixed with the feeling of sadness that he rejected me.

At the time I knew that it would inevitably end but I didn’t want to think about the crushing disappointment that it would of course conclude with.

I just wanted to continue experiencing this wonderful happy time.

Now I just want to hear his cute little accent one more time. To look into his beautiful eyes, feel his arms around me again and kiss him.

And other such flights of fancy.

But it is never going to happen again.

 

So to sum it up in F’s:

The Finnish fling was a fantasy. It is finished and all I can do is look back on it fondly. It would be easier if I was frigid. I had hoped we could be friends but that faint fancy has flown now. I want to forever remember the frisky Finn foreplay but my memory is slowly fading.  

 

So in the end it was just the same old story. I liked him but he didn’t want me. Same shit different dude. I just really wanted him to be different.

Fuck it.

Finland: a cold country with a hot man

As I previously mentioned I went from the lowest cabin on a Baltic ferry to a super luxury hotel room in Helsinki.

It was like backwards world, instead of staying at a squalid backpackers I was in a luxury fancy hotel room.

 

Also different in this parallel dimension world that Finland must be, was that usually I repel men but here I was and The Finn was kissing me all over the city without seeming to worry if anyone would see him. In the beginning I oddly felt quite nervous about kissing him (I think because I really liked him) but managed to relax (and enjoy oh so much) as the days went on.

 

He would kiss as we stood on every platform waiting for the metro, at every sheltered stop as we waited for trams.

Not only that but he said wonderful things too!

As we stood at the back of the boat (sheltering from the rain that had begun to fall) returning from Soumenlinna Island, he whispered “I think I like you” in my ear.

As we kissed in my hotel room that night he told me that I was beautiful.

He even managed to say this with a straight face!

 

I wasn’t used to his gentlemanly behaviour. He would hold an umbrella over my head and open doors for me.

One night at dinner I was resting my hand on the table and felt something. I looked down to see that he had put his hand over mine!

He had been holding my hand whenever we walked but I still wasn’t expecting that. It was just so new to have this attention and it astounded me.

He didn’t just hold my hand either. He would rub and squeeze it as well. Maybe these things are normal for other people but it was amazing to me.

 

So while this was wonderful, by my third day in Helsinki I was getting rather antsy to move this up a notch...on my bedpost.

Time was ticking and the closest I had gotten to actually seducing The Finn was when he came back to my hotel room on the first night. Being a gentleman he attempted to say goodbye at the hotel entrance. Being a tramp I was all ‘Aren’t you coming up?’ He replied ‘Only if you want me to’. As if I wouldn’t want him to!

 

Up in the room I looked at him and said ‘what shall we do now?’

He replied ‘have a philosophical discussion?’

And then instantly we were in each other’s arms kissing.

 

I was super hot when he wrapped my hair around his hand as we lay on the bed and used it to hold my head while he kissed me.

And I shall reveal that he was not put off by my piercings and he saw them all.

But then he left to go and walk his dogs.

 

Yes he claimed not to have had sex for five years (anyone else got a first episode of Friends flashback?) but he had not taken the first chance he got.

I guess he is not the slut I am. Or at least doesn’t have my problem of having to take any chances available before anyone changes their mind.

 

So there I was on the third day more than ready to get into his pants.

Something had to be done and I was going to do it.

A plan was hatched and it went off perfectly.

I went to breakfast late so when he came to meet me I wasn’t ready and we had to go up to the room for me to complete getting ready.

 

Of course when we got up there clothing was taken off instead of put on (no I wasn’t at breakfast naked, it’s a cold country, and you need to add more layers before going out) and we found a use for those vegan banana flavoured condoms I just happened to have with me...

 

So after this he suggested that we go to his house and I could meet his dogs.

His home was warm and cosy and his dogs were very cute.

We took my laundry and put it on to wash while we ate the delicious vegan food he’d cooked for lunch.

 

We put my clothes in the drying cupboard thing those strange Scandinavians use and we took the dogs for a walk.

He dressed me in his warm clothes, and it started to snow as we walked through the forest. Seriously it was such a romantic walk setting. There were even planes flying overhead. Which are probably not most people’s idea of an ideal walk but I am not most people.

Another plus was that The Finns bitches seemed to like me too, even after I accidentally retracted the leash on one of them.

 

After walking the dogs he suggested a ‘nap’ well he did sleep in my arms briefly and he snored. But I decided to let him live as I liked him.

When he woke up he proved that this was a wise choice. The man knows what he is doing is all I’m saying!

Then to top it off he folded my laundry!

I told him that he will make someone a good wife someday.

 

When he dropped me back at the hotel and I decided to go find food alone. I made sure to make use of the transport card he had given me that was valid for the duration of my stay in Helsinki.  Since it was Finland it probably wasn’t cheap so I felt I should get his money’s worth.

 

I used it on the metro and it wasn’t too complicated as there is only one line (Although it is forked).

But I discovered the hard way that in Finland you need to weigh bananas, put a sticker on them and then take them to the checkout.

I am used to supermarket checkouts that weight them for you so I got there and the woman was all in Finnish you did it wrong. She realised I was at a loss to understand and left the checkout to weigh them herself.

I should point out that it’s not like I never tried to use the language at all. I had a waitress laugh at me when I tried to say thank you in Finnish and my kiitos came out all wrong. The shame.

 

Moving on to the touristy sights I saw in Finland.

Admittedly there aren’t that many.

At a market by the harbour The Finn bought me a magnet. I was gonna look around and not buy the first one I saw but he decided he was going to buy this wooden one for me. He had a Finnish conversation with the seller and told me that it had been handmade by the guy selling it.

 

Nearby was a church. We passed this church (Uspenski Cathedral) while I played with The Finn’s new phone. He pointed out that and I was more interested in seeing his iPhone4 than this great Helsinki landmark. I sheepishly handed back his phone and took a photo.

 

Senate Square not only had the even more famous church, The Lutheran Cathedral but it was also full of Buddy Bears.

No not Jaime Oliver’s latest badly named baby. These are large fibreglass bears that have each been decorated by an artist from about 140 different countries. I examined each one although I must admit I was a little perplexed looking that the North Korean one as it said the Democratic Republic of Korea or some such lie. The Finn said it was North Korea and I was like ‘Ah I was confused as it says democratic not dictatorship’. Why can’t evil just say its evil?

 

The Finn took me via tram and a walk to see the Sibelius Monument.

As we waited for a tram he patted me on the head. I was like do you think I am a dog. And he said and I quote exactly “I like you but not as much as dogs”. Seriously what the heck does he even mean by that? Interpreting it is the kind of thing you obsess over later...

 

Anyway the Sibelius Monument is literally a bunch of metal pipes stuck together in the middle of a park. Apparently the metallic head of the famous Finnish composter was added to the site later after everyone saw the pipes and were all WTF?

 

Running out of places to show me in Helsinki The Finn asked if I wanted to go to shoe store.

I said ok as I am female and it is shoes.

Turned out that the store was more of a vegan products store and I was super excited because they sold Cliff Builder’s Bars.

The Finn ended up being the one who bought shoes and I got him to buy some Builders Bars too.

He asked if I wanted to buy anything and I just said ‘nah I’ll just steal one of yours’.

Hey if I am gonna be a whore (as Chuck constantly told me I was since I told him about the hotel room) might as well go all out.

I smiled sweetly and he handed over a bar.

 

Afterwards in the hotel room he asked me if I wanted another bar.

I was like ‘As payment for services just received???’

He laughed and suggested he could set up a payment plan.

I could live with that!

 

The days passed all too quickly in a delightfully blissful happy daze. I felt I should be pinching myself constantly as this much happiness usually doesn’t happen to a girl like me.

And then sadly and far too fast it was my final day in Finland.

 

After checking out of the hotel The Finn took me to his house again.

He asked if he could cook me lunch. Seriously like I would say no, he can be my personal vegan chef anytime!

As he cooked I was sitting on the couch playing with his dogs and I asked who wanted a hug. He came up behind me, wrapped his arms around me and said ‘I do’.

It was just the sweetest thing ever.

 

As we began the meal I asked him if he would fuck me when we finished eating and he said yes.

So I ate a couple more bites and said ‘I’m done!’

 

After some vanilla fun, he asked if he could tie me up (He is a Dom but we never did anything kinkier than a little spanking). I am sad that I didn’t get to try it (my other big regret is that I never did find out if vegans really do taste better, if only to get the t-shirt...).

But we literally had to get out of bed so I could go catch a plane.

In hindsight I should have just missed my flight. After all I am pretty sure that the number of flights I have taken is greater than the number of times I have had sex.

 

On the drive to the airport he said that he would like to visit Australia and I said I’d like to return to Finland. I guess these things are always said when two people leave each other this way. But how many people mean them as much as I did?

 

At the airport we had a big goodbye scene, after hugging and kissing for not nearly long enough he watched me go through security while waving and blowing kisses.

I tried not to cry as I really didn’t want to leave.

Finland was fucking fantastic.

Great gear guide

With my destinations decided now I had to work out what to take. I came to the conclusion that packing for a trip of indeterminate time and variable conditions required new stuff.

Yay a valid excuse for shopping!

 

I decided that my 65litre Mont Astro pack would still meet my needs as I needed the space to pack warm clothes for Scandinavia. Plus it had room for a few more travel must haves.

So my spendy splurge resulted in this new travel gear or as my friend who loves to carry a huge pack with every imaginable travel gadget calls them: toys!

 

Name: Kathmandu shirt

How the purchase was justified: I actually got this before I went to Mexico but it is coming with me on this trip too.

Why it rocks: light and quick drying with built in protection against the sun and insect bites.

Possible improvements: as it can be a bit hot mesh air vents would help keep you cooler.

Chance of saving your life: Low. When I took it to Mexico I knew that it would protect me from insects and the sun but if a drug lord wanted to cut out my heart it would be of no help at all.

 

Name: Sprayway women’s morph 100 zippered fleece

How the purchase was justified: full Zip fronts are better for adjusting temperature and I had another top that wasn’t as warm but will fit on top. Layers are not just for cakes, onions and ogres, for travelling in changeable climates it’s the way to go.

Why it rocks: light, packable and warm

Strange stuff: Does anyone else think that Sprayway sounds like a pest control company?

Possible improvements: Not sure if the outside stitching makes me look like I have it on inside out.

Chance of saving your life: High. Warmth is with you even if the earth enters another ice age.

 

 

Name: Zip off travel trousers

How the purchase was justified: Yeah ok so they are total tourist and I don’t wear shorts a lot (I spare the world the glare from my pasty white legs). But I got zip offs as my theory is that when you are doing laundry in the sink it is easier to manage 3 separate pieces rather than a large one.

Why it rocks: comfortable and quick drying.

Possible improvements: I bought cheap ones so durability is an issue, I find myself sewing the seams every so often.

Chance of saving your life: Low. If a terrorist was targeting tourists, these won’t hide you, but a more likely threat is being taken out by the fashion police.

 

Name: Healthy Back Bag

How the purchase was justified: I think that it looks less touristy than a backpack (to balance out those trousers). Mine is medium microfiber so looks more upmarket than the nylon.

Why it rocks: More easily accessible than a backpack since you don’t have to take it off to get stuff out. Plus more security in crowds as you can hold it in front of you.

Possible improvements:  Adding the type of zips designed to be locked together.

Chance of saving your life: Medium. Um well it is supposed to keep your back strong, that’s gotta help if you need to maybe fight ninjas or something.

 

Name: Hammock Bliss Sleep Sack

How the purchase was justified: Scandinavian hostels charge you to rent bedding (and with Scandinavian prices it would pay for itself in no time).

Why it rocks: There are not many options if you don’t want cotton or silk. I thought that cotton would be bulky and slow to dry when washed and silk is not vegan. It took a bit of searching to find a nonsilk sack. This one made out of parachute nylon. I love that it is light, compact and bright purple.

Possible improvements: The carry bag can be used as a pillow cover but it is too small to be really useful (I just packed a satin pillowcase in with the sack and it fits fine). Getting in would be easier if it had a zip down the side.

Chance of saving your life: Medium. Rogue germs in dodgy hostels need I say more?

 

Name: Salux washcloth

How the purchase was justified: Instead of a big scrubbing brush to clean your back (and everywhere else) this is great for travelling.

Why it rocks: Very compact but the shape is great for holding each end and scrubbing your back. It is made of a rough nylon (but not hard enough to hurt) for exfoliating your skin and dries quickly

Possible improvements: I guess it could have a loop for hanging it up.

Chance of saving your life: Medium. If accidentally exposed to those pesky rogue germs you can scrub em off...

 

Name: Eagle Creek packing cubes and pack it caddy toiletry bag.

How the purchase was justified: My previous larger toiletry bag was worn out so needed replacing and I must admit to becoming a bit of an Eagle Creek enthusiast.

Why it rocks: The pack it caddy is the perfect size and layout for my toiletry needs.

I got a double sided cube for my underwear as I like that you can separate clean and dirty. Mine is Merlin purple and it does seem like magic how much you can cram into it.

I went with a green half tube cube for organising electronics bits and pieces. I love how these cubes keep everything compact, tidy and easy to find in my bag.

Possible improvements: Bring on more colour options especially the patterns.

Chance of saving your life: Low. Well I guess you could pack em full of explosives and hurl them at any approaching pirate ships...

 

Name: P38 Can Opener

How the purchase was justified: cheap, compact and handy for a travelling vegan.

Why it rocks: If you are having trouble finding suitable food, now you can go to a supermarket and by canned beans, mushrooms, fruit and veg.

Possible improvements: Ok I admit that I suck at using it. So anything that makes it easier for me to get the hang of it would be wonderful.

Strange stuff: I got this idea from Tynan who has an awesome packing list. But he only owns one pair of pants which is a bit too hardcore for me!

Chance saving your life: High. Ok so there’s not much ability to inflict damage with the sharp end. But during a zombie apocalypse if you find a can of brains you can open it to distract the zombies from your fresh one...

 

 

Name: Left Handed Sporks

How the purchase was justified: Goes well with the can opener for consuming canned and other foods.

Why it rocks: All your knife, fork and spoon needs are met in one utensil.

Possible improvements: A great tragedy befell me when my first Spork the pretty transparent blue one broke on my trip to Mexico. I arrived at the hotel and discovered it had snapped in half while in my bag. So I replaced it with two left handed sporks which suit a southpaw like me.

It would be better if they more durable but I’m planning to get a Spork Case to protect them.

Chance of saving your life: High. Cut with knife, stab with fork, and gouge out eyeballs with spoon.

 

Name: Cliff Builder’s Bars

How the purchase was justified: Always good to carry a back up vegan snack.

Why it rocks: they have 20g of protein per bar and are delicious. Like the best candy bar ever.

Possible improvements: Well they probably aren’t too healthy. Unfortunately can be hard to find.

Chance of saving your life: High. Even if you can’t find a can of brains, no zombie could resist this tasty treat.

 

 

Name: Universal adapter with USB

How the purchase was justified: I needed an anywhere to anywhere adapter that would also charge my gadgets via USB.

Why it rocks: compact and cheap

Possible improvements: The night before I left on my trip I plugged it in to charge my iPod and there was a flash and the USB stopped working. I haven’t seen any reviews online of this type of adapter that will last so at least mine was cheap. If only they could improve the quality!

Chance of saving your life: Low. More likely to end it via electrocution...

 

Name: Petzl TacTikka Plus headlamp

How the purchase was justified: It was time to retire my mini maglite as headlamps better for looking like a miner (next fancy dress costume sorted!) and more convenient as they enable hands free illumination.

Why it rocks: This headlamp has a flippy filter for red light which doesn’t take away your night vision. Red is also not as bright for when you need light in a hostel room but don’t want to disturb your dorm mates.

Possible improvements: Filters for other funky colours could be fun.

Chance of saving your life: High. It can be used for spotting Bogeymen and other beasties that hide under beds, or more realistically not breaking your neck climbing down from a hostel top bunk.

 

Name: Dr Bronner’s soap

How the purchase was justified: I prefer this soap in bar form as it is better to go as liquid free as you can when travelling and I just prefer how easy it is to get lots of lovely lather with a bar.

Why it rocks: sweet scented versatile vegan soap.

Strange stuff: I love that it was developed by an escaped mental patient. There was even a documentary (that I haven’t watched yet) made about him.

Possible improvements: Better price and availability

Chance of saving your life: Medium. With at least 18 uses there must be some way.

Where from here?

With my two years up and thus my working holiday visa expiring I had no choice but to prepare myself for leaving lovely London. Time to say ‘Goodbye UK, it was fun while it lasted’.

 

Yes I really did enjoy my time in England. I had a job I didn’t hate, good flat and great friends. I love the endless variety of options and things to do in the cosmopolitan metropolis (I may not have taken advantage of enough of them but I like that there were there).

I was sad to be leaving London, but also excited at the prospect of what adventures lay ahead of me.

 

Thus some thought had to be put into planning which travel options would be the best use of the money I had been faithfully saving from my job.

When you want to see everywhere and have limited funds big decisions must be made.

 

Neither my bank balance nor my death wish, were large enough for my new favourite grand travel plan:

I want to travel to all the countries with names ending in stan with a Stan from Southpark doll. This tour would be called Stan sees stans.

For those of you into trivia the countries are Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan.

I was chatting to a friend about it and asked ‘can you name all the stans?’

His answer: ‘Iranistan’.

Close but not quite.

 

Now if money was no object and I was mega rich I quite like the idea of travelling around in a million dollar vehicle. Behold the beauty (on the inside) of the Unicat TerraCross.

It was on Snopes as a garbage truck (what people guessed it was from its outside looks) that had been converted to a camper.  But it is custom made and very nice indeed inside. Check out the hidden luxury of one of these babies in this video.

Seriously how cool would it be to drive around the world in one of these!

It would be like touring the world in a luxury home. You don’t have to worry about what to pack. Just take it all with you. Forget worrying about packing the kitchen sink. It has one, hell it can even come with a boat included!

Now sure I can’t actually drive the thing. But if I could afford this then I could afford to hire a chauffeur/butler/housekeeper/chef/mechanic/manservant (all in one, it’s not that big!).

Ok so I do see some downsides to this vehicle.

Not too eco-friendly, I bet you would pay a sum equal to the debt of a small third world country each time you had to fill er up at the petrol station.

Plus the design seems to have the bathroom and kitchen close enough to give me flashbacks to my time in a scummy London hostel...

 

So back to being more realistic my plans were forming around the fact that I wanted to return back Downunder via Asia.

This is because I flew to London via the USA and I wanted to complete the full circle of the globe.

Plus Asia is cheap and there is lots I haven’t seen there yet.

 

Actually my first idea was when I was doing the medical trial. I could travel around Central America for 6 months then return back to the UK briefly for my six month follow up appointment before heading home.

 

Then I considered a tour of Europe as I should see some more of Europe while I am here.

Where the hell is matt? The guy, who made my all time favourite YouTube video, recommends saving Europe for when you are older as it is an easy destination (Plus you need the saving time as it is the most expensive).

But honestly I kind of would like to do one of those Top Deck or Contiki race around Europe bus tours (Even if I end up with the famous contiki cough).  With a trip like that I could have more of a taste of Europe and see what places I wanted to return to for more in depth touristing later.

I’ve read Rule number 5: no sex on the bus and it seems like they would be a fun experience and something you can only do when young (due to the 18 to 30something age limit).

 

I had a look at the longest camping tours offer by both companies and they cost around £2650 for the tour alone (add extra food, entertainment, sightseeing and souvenirs expenses and ouch!).

A major issue was also that as they involve camping they are done during the summer. So the last tours for both departed well before the date Her Majesty had declared that I must be officially out of her hair.

 

With both the Central America and Europe options I was hoping that there would be enough money left in my savings for a short stopover somewhere in Southeast Asia.

 

In the end I didn’t go for these options because I really wanted to stay in the UK until my visa expired. I paid enough for it, I should get my money’s worth. Plus you know I liked being there.

Another major plus to working until end of visa was that it meant that I’d be saving up more money before setting off to see some more of Planet Earth.

 

Thus I went mostly with the option of staying maximum allowed time in UK and then a more extensive travel itinerary around Southeast Asia.

As well as the usual backpacker route of the Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos loop, I want to see Komodo Dragons in Indonesia, Orangutans in Borneo and Sultans in Brunei.

I don’t know if I’ll have enough to do all of that but we shall see how it goes.

 

As well as Asia I did add in some Europe as it was just across the channel and simply begging me to pop over and visit.

My London flat was an international mix and I had a Swedish flatmate who returned home to her land of massages and meatballs and invited me to visit. She also suggested that I could visit the other nearby countries while I was in the neighbourhood.

Thus the idea just went from there and before I could say ‘Sweet ass of Jesus have you seen the prices?!’ I’d booked me a little Scandinavian sojourn.

Actually think it is a good choice to visit Scandinavia while my money is in British pounds as it makes the exchange rate look much better.

 

Another ex-flatmate influenced my next choice of country too.

Why yes my plan is to travel the world crashing on the couches of friends, to become a certified couch crasher whose mission is to travel the world and crash on as many couches as possible in a world couch domination tour! (I think this goal will be more easily achieved if I’d actually join couchsurfing, something I haven’t done due to not having a couch of my own to offer).

So anyway the plan came to include a little more Europe as he’s Italian and Italy has always been high on my list of places I wanted to see so that was an easy decision.

 

I booked my trip as far as Hong Kong and Chuck’s apartment where instead of a couch he offered a folding camping bed. He had a little job for me to do there and I don’t mean one that started with blow...

So I would go do that and then find my way from there to exploring Southeast Asia.

 

Emirates had the cheapest flight to Hong Kong, so a stopover in the UAE could be had on the way.

I had wanted to visit Dubai ever since I had seen the aquarium in the big mall leaking on the news.

The fact is that Dubai is bankrupt and I doubt that they are going to be able to keep up with the maintenance required for all their big fancy building projects. So I wanted to see the place before it crumbled!

 

So that’s how the planning went down.

Next is packing and then it’s Showtime:

Tickets?! Passport?! Money?! Panic!!!

Lassie seeks Nessie

Scotland is in the United Kingdom hint: head north

Deciding that I really needed to see more of the UK I booked a trip to Scotland for New Years. It comprised of some scenic Scottish sightseeing and then Hogmanay in Edinburgh.

 

Scotland requires clothes

Warm clothes are essential in the cold of a Scottish winter. I don’t know how they survive with just a kilt and nothing underneath. I very much needed my thermal underwear.

In a brilliant bit of timing designed to annoying me, the washing machine broke and I had to hand wash stuff in the bath and dry it on the heater before I could pack. Damn you devious appliances!

But I wasn’t going to let the evil machine stop me and I still set out to Scotland on time.

 

Scotland is but a bus ride away from London

I caught a night bus to Edinburgh and I was mostly able to sleep on it.

At a rest stop in the middle of the night I was impressed by the giant coffee cup planters they had for sale. I later convinced Courgette that we needed one for our aloe vera plant at work.

 

Scotland is full of (bloody Aussie) tourists

Arrived in Edinburgh at 8am and I managed to walk in the cold from the bus station to the tour office only getting slightly lost on the way. It started to rain as well of course.

But found my tour and the group of us predominately made up of Aussies set off on a small blue bus thru the snow.

 

Scotland has redheads.

We were told that we were going to meet the wild and sexy red haired Hamish, which I correctly guessed was a bull.

He was a prime example of highland cattle to be exact.

Hamish was very friendly and some people paid for veggies to feed him.

 

Scotland knows the English didn’t fuck around when it came to traitors

The bus driver/tour guide seemed to be a nice entertaining guy (although his jokes could be very bad, real groaners). But I was pretty traumatised when he described in great detail William Wallace’s execution and exactly how he was tortured and killed by the English for treason. Seriously I nearly puked!

The monument to the Braveheart guy was up a hill covered in a lot of snow.

 

Scotland had a lot of snow.

We stopped by the side of the road for a snowball fight.

A bunch of people went down into the field but I am smarter and stayed up by the bus throwing the snowballs down upon them.

Well until I got too cold and went back to huddle for warmth in the bus.

At another spot I was impressed by the snowy icy crystals. They are just so satisfyingly crunchy to stomp on.

In Glen Coe we spotted a mouse in the snow, poor wee mite. Although it was probably more worried about the bunch of tourists that surrounded it going ‘awww look at the poor widdle thing’. ‘It’s so tiny and must be so cold’, ‘I shall love him and cuddle him and call him George’, ‘I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy’

 

Scotland frowns upon taking hospitality before killing

In the snow in Glen Coe we were told the story of the Campbells and the McDonalds.  The Campbells took hospitality from the McDonalds and then murdered them. To this day the Campbells disliked and are not allowed in some places. It wasn’t just the murder that they were hated for but the fact they took hospitality first…

 

Scotland supports ‘show us your tits!’

Spend the night on the Isle of Skye. Where we were told the story of Saucy Mary apparently a buxom wench who wasn’t afraid to show her busty body and advised that we shouldn’t be shy about flashing our own boobies.

 

Scotland was also full of ice.

Early the next morning we set out to see the Isle of Skye. First stop was a frozen waterfall. It was very cold near it. There were also a whole bunch of icicles and I encouraged a guy to get one. “Its not a national treasure, break it off!”

 

We visited a graveyard. The ground was so icy inside that I started slipping when I was standing still. I was like since I am risking death without even moving I shouldn’t go any further unless I want to stay in here forever…

Nearby there was a display of old style houses and equipment like a farmer would have in an old time fairy tale.

 

Scotland has a lot of fairy stories.

The guide would tell us lots of fairy stories such as at kilt rock where he had a story about giants and Irelands causeway.

We also stopped to take photos after a story about giants turned to rocks by fairies. There was a rainbow.

At another place we walked across a bridge and got another fairy story. This time about a girl who fell and smashed her face and put it in the river water for seven seconds to regain her beauty. The guide then stuck his face in the water and encouraged us to do the same. Some people actually did it!

I can report that none of them looked any prettier after the frosty beauty dunk. Well not unless being hypothermic smurf blue is considered the height of attractiveness now.

 

Scotland is rather cold in winter

Yes I did choose to visit this land of kilts and castles in the middle of winter so the fact that it was bloody freezing was not actually a surprise. But still I don’t want you to miss the fact that it was colder than a witch’s tit.

During a lunch break in Portree. I ate vegan food I’d bought at a supermarket under a sign directing to Dunvegan as the bus had buggered off somewhere. When it came back I told the driver that I thought I had frostbite.

Oh and this newspaper backs me up, see I told you it was cold!

 

Scotland has a lot of castles.

We saw many a castle up in the frozen north. Surrounded by water and snow they were gorgeous chocolate box images.

But most people didn’t live in castles and after stopping to look at yet another one we went to find out how the common folk lived

 

Scotland has some weapons you don’t want to fuck with and people lived with animals you hoped they didn’t want to fuck…

The show was in Fort Augustus and a guy talked about how the highlanders lived. In crowded smelly houses with all their animals apparently…

He also brought out their big brutal weapons to show how they were used and demonstrated how to wear a kilt.

Those kilts with nothing underneath must surely keep the temperature of their low enough to ensure amazing fertility.

 

Scotland has men who was try to impregnate you from beyond the grave

We visited Dunkeld Cathedral with a story of some bad rapist guy. The legend is that if you touch his tomb you will get pregnant. I didn’t even find his tomb. Thus my womb continues to be blessedly barre n.

I did manage to keep off the grass as the sign requested, easy since it was covered in so much snow.

In the town was a shop called Going Pottie. I am sure the guide would appreciate that.

 

Scotland has guides who are rather into over sharing

Sure it is good to get informed from your tour guide, but was a bit much info when he went into far too much detail about his toilet habits or jobbie as the Scots call it.

He tried to pry scandalous gossip from us too by asking if there had been any DSL that is Deep Scottish Love. He said we needed some cross bus pollination.

It was probably too cold for any highland flings. I certainly wasn’t taking off my thermal underwear for anyone unless they were majorly hot (literally!) and hung like a horse or since this is Scotland perhaps we should say hung like a lake monster…

 

Scotland is the home of Nessie.

In an impressive effort at the hostel near Loch Ness someone had made a Nessie Snowmonster.

At the famous Loch I tried to lure out Nessie using my devil duckie as bait.

The tour guide had a different idea on how to attract Nessie.

Both the devil duck and the haka failed to bring the monster from the deep.

But the search for tacky souvenirs was more fruitful.

 

Scotland has lots of tackiNessie

The gift shops in Scotland did not disappoint. They were a places nay a palaces of supreme tackiness.

With products in stock ranging from the world’s smallest bottles of whisky to “musical” bagpipes air freshener there was a large selection to browse.

We had a bit of a competition over the tackiest item. In the tide of all things tartan and tacky I think something that said ‘up yer kilt’ was the official winner.

But I think it should have gone to something inspired by Mr or Ms Loch Nessie. (The chocolate cow pat is just gross).

Oh there was a monster mixture of Nessie items to choose from such as soft toys that said Happy Ness. Plus you could clothe yourself from Nessie slippers to Nessie hats.

A group of guys all got tartan Viking hats and it was cute when they all fell asleep on the bus together wearing them.

Those horny hats were also pretty helpful in identifying them when I was looking for anyone I knew while walking the streets on Edinburgh with a flaming torch.

 

Scotland lets you play with fire

I took part in the torchlight procession on the crowded sub-zero slippery streets of Edinburgh. Fire and ice and melted wax. I managed to lose everyone I knew in the swarm of people.

Later I noticed that the burning torch I’d held had left a brown mark on my hand that smelt smoky.

Also that one of the many burning embers that were flying around must have hit me as there was a hole melted in my jacket.

 

Scotland has interesting vending machines

The bathroom of hostel in Edinburgh had a very interesting vending machine. It sold a variety of adult novelty items.

Yes it was a vibrator vending machine.

Although I must admit that I would have thought that they would go with offering inflatable sheep rather than blow up piggy…

Not quite as bad as I have heard Japanese ones are. One of my major things I want to do in Japan (besides sleeping in a capsule hotel) is to just check out the dodgy things they have in vending machines. One day…

But back to Scotland, the saying is that all Scottish food is based on a dare. But I found something edible.

 

Scotland has good food (yes really!)

It was near Cockburn Street (yes I declare it must be pronounced as cock burn) on which there was - an up hill walk to - The Baked Potato Shop. Home of the hottest tattie in town.

Huge yummy spuds with veg fillings. I tried the haggis (kind of nutty) and also liked the hummus filling.

 

Scotland is as good a place as any to have a fit

I met up with my friend the big gay Hunnybunny.

We went up to the Edinburgh castle where he called me the worst photographer in the world and I pointed out that it is hard to take good photos when it is so freezing cold and windy that your fingers are numb.

We retreated inside to warm up and see the royal family stuff including their crown jewels.

So then Hunnybunny and I were in The Great Hall, I was talking to him and he didn’t seem to understand what I was saying. I thought I was just me badly explaining my point. But then he stumbled backwards, fell over and started convulsing!

 

Scotland has free medical care (a really good place to have a fit then)

An ambulance was called.

After his seizure Hunnybunny stayed still on the floor and seemed to be sleeping.

When the paramedics arrived they asked me if Hunnybunny was diabetic or epileptic.

I said no.

Turns out he was epileptic, he had just never told me as he hadn’t had a fit since he was a kid.

He didn’t know what month it was when asked and was vague about his epileptic history. So it was decided that he needed to go to hospital to be checked out.

The paramedics asked if I wanted to come saying that the hospital was about three miles out.

I said yes, that friends didn’t leave friends alone in hospital, in a strange city, in a confused state. They said that some would!

So anyway we went by ambulance to the hospital and I sat in the waiting room for forty minutes until he came out.

My Hunnybunny was totally back to normal.

We caught a bus back to the city. I was pleased to note that even the bus seats were tartan.

 

Scotland has germs

I think I caught The Sickness in the bacteria breeding ground zero/virus factory know as the Royal Infirmary.

I was toughing it out, telling myself it was just a cold or something. But then I went walking up the hill by the hostel to find food.

Came back to the hostel and ended up puking. I think it must have been the plague, or Ebola.

Well whatever it was that shit made me feel like crap.

I was sad that I had to stay in bed at the hostel while others went on a walking tour and to some firelight thing. They came back to tell me it was lame but I am sure they were just being nice.

 

Scotland has a big street party to see in the New Year

I did drag myself out of bed for the New Year. After all it was likely that everyone else would be puking anyway (yay for New Year’s drinking) and my fever should help keep me warm!

Luckily the street party was very close to the hostel and I managed to talk my way in at the closest point rather than walking around to the official entrance.

I went late, froze my ass off, saw the fireworks, heard Auld Lang Syne and went back to bed.

 

Scotland has trains with free wifi.

I caught a train back to London. I’d sent Hunnybunny a text message asking if he was ready to catch his bus. Turns out no he wasn’t.

He‘d slept in and missed it.

I ended up using the train’s free wifi to book him another ticket.

Silly Hunnybunny made sure he caught that bus and I made it safely back to London on the warm cosy train.

Turkey time

I travelled to Turkey with a Korean guy from my hostel in Aleppo who was heading in the same direction.

I didn’t think we would be going together as we had bought our tickets from different companies but it turned out to be the same bus.

We took 3 buses that day starting at 5am and changing buses in Antakya and Kayseri.

 

Buses in Turkey are nice, they have an attendant just for the job of giving out individual sealed cups of water, cake (non vegan) and drinks. You don’t have to settle for boring orange and apple juice here they have fruit juices in exotic flavours like cherry, peach and apricot.

I spilt cherry juice all over myself.

 

I eventually arrived tired and stained in Goreme Cappadocia at just the perfect time of day.

It was early evening, the temperature and light were just right and the town was quite lovely.

I got off the bus in this adorable village, walking on cobblestones and surrounded by fairy chimneys and was like you have got to be kidding me! It’s just too perfect.

 

The fairy chimneys are rocks that have been shaped by erosion into cones. You don’t have to have my dirty mind to see that some look more like penises.

The ones in the town have been carved into homes and hotels.

But as a backpacker of course I stayed in a cheap hostel not the expensive fancy fairy chimney hotel.

 

I went for a walk the next day with the Korean guy.

We passed a couple of camels, one that I hope was just having a rest.

We found the open air museum but didn’t go in as the Korean said he doesn’t do churches.

So we headed towards the valleys.

We ate lunch (bread we had bought earlier) sitting in a cave we found.

 

Our walk was heading towards the rose valley. We passed spay painted signs that always said it was 2km away no matter how far we walked.

My favourite sight was the rock shaped like mounds of soft ice cream. I told the Korean guy what it looked like to me and he said it made him hungry.

 

We eventually found the edge of the rose valley, I am sure it was more than 2km away. Since the whole walking that day was about 6 hrs. But this included the slow sore-footed walk back to Goreme.

 

Joining a day tour to see some of the further away sights seemed like a good idea so I signed up for the green tour (I am supposed to be a green goddess after all).

 

There was me, a couple of Aussies and a whole heap of Asian tourists.

I was amused to see that one Korean girl had a camera even older than mine. I still love my Sony W5 despite how boxy it is compared to newer models. This girl had a W1!

Two others produced a W7 and W70. I wowed them all describing how I had seen that the latest model (I guess it would be W7000 or so by now) is available in a fetching shade of green.

 

Anyway so about the tour.

We went down the 8 levels in the Derinkuyu Yeralti Sehri underground city. It was built for people to hide in (could fit up to 50000) and the work that would have gone into it is amazing. I liked that there are stone doors that can be rolled into place and even a place to stomp grapes for wine (they thought of everything!).

In the ladies toilets I found this sign advising me not to throw the paper to the closet, right I will try to remember that!

 

The Ihlara Valley has the Agacalti church which was decorated with frescos that have seen better days.

We walked along the valley to where we stopped for lunch.

 

The tables were set up around and in the river. I sat at a table on a little island in the stream.

I got up to look for fishies and when I went to sit down again I fell on my ass.

My bag was over the back of the chair and the weight of it plus the uneven ground must have caused the chair to fall back as I went to sit. Straight down I went onto the muddy ground. Graceful!

 

After lunch was the visit to Selime Monastery and its Cathedral.

This is a large rock formation with a church that was carved inside it by monks in the 13^th century.

You can climb up and around the whole thing, which we did. It is impressive.

 

On the way back we stopped overlooking Pigeon Valley where they had natural Viagra for sale, according to the jar if you take it you can do it 5 times in one night!

They missed the chance to market it in a two pack with something to soothe the soreness!

In the area was an evil eye tree. The evil eye amulets are common in Turkey and know as Nazars. They are supposed to protect you from getting the evil eye.

So perhaps they can shield you if you maybe sold someone some dodgy snake oil that did not improve their performance or potency and they came back to give you a really dirty look…

 

Last stop was the customary kickback one. This time it was to try and get us to by jewellery at an onyx shop.

 

While in Cappadocia I would have loved to have done a hot air balloon ride. Eggy had told me how she had seen it on TV and put it on her bucket list.

But unfortunately it was really expensive and just not in my budget.

Shame as gliding silently over the gorgeous rock formations would have been spectacular!

 

The man with the Sunni disposition

The Pole and I travelled north to Aleppo which is famous for its covered souks and olive oil soap.

We had caught a bus and the Lonely Liar claimed the bus station was conveniently located… But another bus and we were in the city centre.

Then walking along the busy street to the hostel that was listed in his polish guidebook but not my LP guidebook, I lost The Pole. He was as usual walking in ahead of me and in the usual scenario I lost him.

 

All I knew was the name of the hostel and had a vague idea that the place was in the popular hostel/hotel area.

So being rather used to this situation by now I just asked random strangers on the street where the hostel area was and then found the place.

I walked up the stairs inside and there was The Pole sitting and waiting with a local Muslim guy.

 

I must admit that I am not usually attracted to Middle Eastern men but I looked up and it was Hello exception to that rule!

He had approached The Pole as he wanted to practise his English on tourists and had very nicely led my poor lost friend to the hostel.

I later thanked The Pole for bringing me a man.

 

He was a very devout Muslim and prayed five times a day. I tried to show an interest and asked what side he was on. There are two and he was Sunni the other is Shiite. Personally I believe both versions are Shiite without the extra i and the e.

 

Despite this obvious and unfortunate Allah delusion that the poor man was suffering badly from, I liked him, he was rather attractive, nice and funny. This made me willing to look past the affliction and try to have my wicked way with him.

Plus I really liked the fact that he was the opposite of Larry the Jewish guy I had bedded. Even their names were just different translations of the same old name. Just that one was Hebrew and the other Arabic. So I shall call this ‘my Mohammed is different’ Mo.

I liked the idea of balancing my Jew with a Muslim. I am an equal opportunities whore. Well any opportunity I get and we know they are few and far between.

 

Usually when I am attracted to a man, I know that he will not reciprocate my feelings. But I remembered that apparently I am such a sexy siren in Syria so I pretty much just assumed that Mo would like me back, and strangely he did. Well kinda in the fuck up way as my life tends to be.

 

He was a really lovely helpful guy and went with us to see the covered souks and helped us bargain. I bought a scarf as I liked the pattern but when I put it on and said ‘hey don’t I look like a good Muslim woman now!’ he just laughed and said that since I was wearing a short sleeved t-shirt it was like wearing a pair of glasses with only one lens.

 

We played tourist at the Ummayad Mosque.  This is The Great Mosque of Aleppo and contains a shine to Zechariah, father of John the Baptist.

After looking around The Pole wanted to go back to the hostel to rest and I stayed with Mo. It was hot, like literally.

Rugs were put out for the big prayer time and Mo went to the men’s section f0r another round of telling Allah he is awesome.

So I went over to sit near the woman’s section. I was then herded inside. I was just gonna sit in a corner alone until it was over but some girls made friends with me. We didn’t have a common language to chat in but they helped me readjust my scarf and I was given a petticoat as my trousers showed my ankles and was thus the clothing of an evil western she devil.

I already had the robe that foreign temptress women have to wear. So many layers, in a room with so many women, in a hot country. Then when doing the Muslim praying you are up and down like a whore’s knickers. So sweaty in the city!

 

Afterwards Mo and I walked and talked, we held hands but he was worried about getting into trouble (PDA’s may be a crime here, and not just against discretion).

Mo actually claimed to be a virgin (and I am inclined to believe him based on what happened later) but this did not stop him from suggesting that we get a hotel room together, this was the day we met mind you and I was like well no rush, we can get to know each other more first. ..

I am so stupid.

He would later say thank god I turned him down as it was a sign to stick to his beliefs! (Oh bloody hell!).

What I now know is that if I am going to slut my way around the world then I have gotta do it quickly before they have a chance to change their minds. I should have learnt this with Chuck but I am obviously a slow learner.

 

So Mo’s purity remained intact and we spent a day going to see the citadel. It is on a hill and is a very impressive and rather huge castle (one of the oldest and biggest in the world) in the centre of Aleppo.

The most remarkable part is the entrance with its huge stone bridge.

We wandered all over from down in the prison to up in the tower.

Up top there is a good view of the city, one could claim to be king of the castle while viewing it.

While sitting in a shady spot up the top I sat next to Mo and ran my hand up his leg as we talked. He said he was happy.

So this set the scene for later.

 

The Pole wanted to go and see a park so I said well you go do that and Mo can stay in the hostel room with me (it was a private room).

He the drift of my carnal intentions and this caused him to freak the fuck right out. He said he did not want to make sex as he would burn in hell, prayed five times and then ran away!

 

When he came back he put his arm around me and said that he really liked me.

I told him I was not pleased that he had chosen his god over me. As really he rejected had me in favour of his imaginary friend!

He just held me and said next time… as if I would have a chance to deflower him soon.

 

Then later he said he wanted to do nothing with me and I felt sad. You would think that I would be used to the constant rejection by now and just feel nothing.

When Mo then claimed that I was only interested in sex I tried to explain to him that being unattractive as I am, sex was all I could get as no one would ever love me. But his English wasn’t good enough to understand me and telling him this just made me cry.

Mo then pretty much told me that if I converted to Islam he would marry me.

But he wasn’t too keen on the idea of converting to veganism for me.

 

Later he evidently changed his mind on this as he requested that I help him find a good little Muslim girl to be his wife. Previously when I had suggested to Mo that he could pray twice later he said ‘it is like when you are thirsty, you can’t drink twice later’.

So when he asked for my assistance in this matter I said ‘it is like when you are thirsty and have a drink in your hand, do you give it to someone else?’

 

So the most that happened was that we walked around holding hands, he touch my leg and put his arm around me. I felt up his leg, his rock hard abs (he works out) and kissed him on the cheek.

But since he just wanted to find a good little Muslim wife and start breeding and I am a childfree atheist. This should be viewed more as a lucky escape than as the one that got away.

It is disappointing that I never got the chance to pop Mo’s fine fine cherry. But whatever it’s his loss after all it’s not like Allah is gonna suck his dick!

Although I must admit that The pole’s request that I smoke his pole was a lame consolation…