Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

Miss Saigon? I hardly left

A couple of cheap tours took me to see sights beyond Ho Chi Minh City.

My first trip from Saigon was a half day excursion to The Cu Chi Tunnels.

 

First stop on these kinds of tours is always to a handicapped handicrafts place.

The art mostly seemed to be made of inlaid eggshells lacquers, not so appealing to vegans. But I did like that one of the artworks was of an ANA airliner. The Lockheed L1011 Tri-Star is rather an old aircraft, is this an indication of how long this painstaking work takes?

 

The tunnels were used during the war by Viet Cong guerrillas for hiding and living.

At the site we watched a video and then the guide showed us around.

The secret tunnel entrances were tiny. But then I guess the Viet Cong tended to be small people.

 

The self made weapons gallery had a fascinating display of booby traps. They were varied in design but all were constructed to create pain and suffering on the cheap.

They had names such as folding chair trap, clipping armpit trap and see saw trap.

 

There were guns you could pay to shoot.

I assume that the targets didn’t look like American soldiers but I did not partake in the practise to find out definitively.

A woman showed how rice paper is made. I think she probably made it look much easier than it actually is.

 

Inside the actual tunnels was very dark and cramped. Not a place for claustrophobics.

I ended up in the lead of a small group and unable to see the people ahead of me. I didn’t know where I was going and everyone behind me seemed to think that I should.

Perhaps because I had pulled out my headlamp and put it on?

They said we should keep going straight but then when I did, they took a side exit and I had to back up my ass up to follow them out.

 

 

Trip two was to the Mekong Delta.

The Swedish girls had done the 3 day trip and said that the last day you didn’t see anything very interesting and then it was a long drive back to HCMC. So I took their advice and booked the 2 day trip.

 

Most people on my bus that morning were doing the 1 day trip.

After the requisite lacquer shop stop we took a boat to various stops.

We had honey tea. Or other people did and I was the weird vegan who didn’t want to drink bee puke.

They also had snake wine. I don’t know how having a corpse in it is supposed to improve it in any way.

 

Next up was a fruit tasting which good. I would have preferred it if they had durian so I could impress everyone by being the freak who likes the world’s smelliest fruit.

But they didn’t have any durian so I was just at my usual freakiness level.

 

We visited a factory that made coconut candy. It is wrapped in rice paper that dissolves in your mouth. I got some durian flavoured candy.

Freakiness level thus slightly elevated.

 

We all wore traditional conical hats during a boat ride in the little Vietnamese boats along a canal.  I just put the Vietnamese hat on top of the hat I was already wearing which I guess is a little on the freak side.

 

 

On the way to the hotel in the biggest city in the Mekong Delta the guide had told me that I had to pay extra as I would have to stay in a room alone.

I was like what if I find someone to share with?

So he gave me his business card. I gave him the extra $5 he requested.

We get to the hotel, wade on in (the streets were flooded) and sure enough I find an American girl who is also travelling alone and we agree to share a room.

So I borrowed the phone of the guide at the hotel and call the guy about getting a refund.

I don’t know why he gave me his card if he didn’t mean it but he tried to argue that there were no refunds!

I got the other guide to speak to him and he did then repeated the message that there were no refunds.

I simply borrowed the phone again and called the guide once more.

It took a total of three separate calls but he eventually admitted defeat and I got my cash back.

 

The American girl and I went to the restaurant closest to the hotel since we didn’t want to swim.

The Quan 31 menu was very interesting.

It had a chicken section but then a separate section named Bird. This does make you wonder what type of bird it would be...

 Frog also featured but far more disturbing was the fact that the menu also included both snake and rat.

There was a snake cage lined up against one wall in the dining area. I guess the rats were just caught as they ran thru the kitchen...

We went with the much safer and saner choice of tofu and veggies with rice.

 

The next morning we boarded a boat and went to the floating market.

Along the way we passed a petrol station boat. The kind of thing I guess makes sense but I had never considered the need for it to exist before.

At the market most of the boats there were bigger than I expected. These would display their wares on a pole.

Smaller boats pulled alongside us to sell cold drinks and coffee.

Our boat stopped alongside a larger one so we could climb aboard and buy fresh pineapple.

 

We went to a rice paper place that had lots of animals. Rabbits, pigs and puppies.

I was impressed by an iPhone shaped rear-view mirror on a motorcycle.

Yes it is the small things that impress the freakish minded.

 

Our tour took us on a long walk along a muddy track thru a tropical fruit farm. I didn’t like slipping around and perhaps I am too much of a prissy princess but I thought that if they were regularly bringing tourists thru then they should do something about the path.

 

The trip back to Saigon was on the back seat of a bus that lacked something in the suspension department. Like any at all.

Every bump would send us flying up into the air.

We did stop for lunch and for what the guides called the happy room and everyone else knows as the toilet.

But then we continued bouncing our way back to Saigon.

Jobs, scams and nuclear fallout

So I was looking for a job in Brisbane and the best I have gotten is a scam mail.

Justin Brazenor wants to hire me to do billing management. Look at the website he made! Awww it’s just like a real one. 

I got a message from a job website that a job I had applied for was pulled for being fraudulent so I assume that’s why I got the email.

 

It smelt scammy to me from the moment I read it. But I was curious as to what exactly their angle was so I replied and it is so ridiculous that I am actually highly amused.

Apparently in order to get paid I need to obtain an ANZ Travel Card or Commonwealth Travel Money Card and fill in a form advising them of its number. Oh what a funny coincidence that these cards can be used just like a credit card and there is a minimum load of $200.

 

Let’s pretend it’s not scammy for a moment and consider using these cards.

They have a set up fee, then they are nice enough to let you load the first balance for free but after that it costs each time. Plus you have to pay a fee each time you withdrawal money from an ATM. And you are supposed to believe that this is the best way for them to pay you and then access your newly earned funds?

I don’t even think these cards are good deal for travel!

 

I would have liked to have baited this scam but unfortunately they had my name and rule number one of scam baiting is you don’t bait with your real name.

A quick Google and it seems the scammers are back to the usual money laundering Western Union scams so perhaps no one was dumb enough to fall for their card tricks.

 

 

 

I went for an assessment for a job (a real job!) getting bitched at by strangers for $25hr. While I am not that into the constant complaining I do need the cash.

Unfortunately the assessment consisted of a number of tests and they expected me to do maths. Without a calculator.

How silly, we have the technology so why waste valuable brain space remembering how to do long division? I can kick ass with a calculator but with a brain full of a cold virus and just a pen and paper to work with, not so much...

I wasn’t surprised when I didn’t get the job. But considering that there were 25 positions and 500 applicants I was just in the majority.

 

They offered feedback and perhaps I do have a bit of a masochist streak as I thought I would give it a go and let them tell me how much I suck.

Although I would really be impressed if they were that honest instead of the usual ‘due to the high number of applicants...’ that every rejection email claims.

The woman was actually very nice and did indeed say the usual stuff about it being an extremely competitive process blah blah blah.

I was not shocked to learn that I was rejected because my maths sucks. What did surprise me was when she said I was fine with the group discussion.

 

We had to do a variation on the lifeboat game. The one with a list of people and having to decide which people got the places in the fallout shelter to go on to repopulate the earth.

I tried to be good and didn’t share that no doubt humans were responsible for the earth’s terrible radioactive predicament in this scenario and thus really we should just let them all die off and give the planet a chance to recover.

I resisted the urge to get on my soapbox and lecture on the benefits of the voluntary human extinction movement.

 

Hey I have the out of the box thinking that wondered if we should offer to let the woman pregnant with triplets get an abortion and have a place in the shelter (there are only 8 spots and each baby counts). On second thought she wouldn’t have been a good choice as she did IVF to get pregnant and I got rather into the whole game and trying to select the best breeders.

If your dried up old ovaries were over reproducing age or didn’t have any useful skills you were out. If I thought you had any conditions that I suspected could be congenital and thus that would pass on to your offspring I questioned your place procreating in our future.

 

The power went to my head and I wanted to breed a screaming shitload of superior superbabies with the passion of the Nazi’s.

Well with the difference that I suggested that we pick a people from every ethnicity to create that great big melting pot in the future.

I even suggested in a more polite way that everyone in the shelter should be engaging in a nonstop orgy to ensure that babies were made between every possible couple as genetic diversity would make our survivors stronger.

Scarily I all but had a maniacal laugh as I tried to shape the future like a mad scientist.

All I can console myself with is the fact that the actual job had nothing at all to do with eugenics.

Santorum gets me frothy at the mouth (EW!)

What the hell is with America and their idiot politicians?

Take for example Santorum. That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

No wait I just mean Rick Santorum the festering boil on the backside of American politics, the biggest bag of batshit crazy since Michele Bachman.

 

Oh and on that subject, I think the real problem with Michele’s presidential campaign, well apart from her being a right wing whack job was her husband. The mincing Marcus. Yeah when you are campaigning to appeal to the homophobes of your country how can you not realise that they aren’t gonna want your closeted queen of a husband as their new first lady?

 

So anyway Santorum doesn’t just come from assholes, he is an asshole.

Someone needs to tell the frothy fucker that he is trying to be president in 2012 not 1812.

Seriously he wants to ban woman from fighting on the front lines because they are weak little things who should not be allowed out of the kitchen.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to repeal the woman’s right to vote. After all if he doesn’t think that they should have any control over their own bodies he certainly wouldn’t want them to worry their pretty little heads over something like deciding who will make all their reproductive decisions for them.

 

There is a Santorum support song called game on by two girls who I can’t really blame for not knowing better as they seem like the type who are the offspring of fundies. Probably raised in a Dugger style family where thinking is seen as bad and obeying your parents/god is number one above all else.

When the Duggars think supporting Santorum is the best thing since breeding and feeding em tatter tot casserole you know you are onto a bad thing.

 

So anyway these poor girls probably have no clue what life would be like for them if Santorum was president. Now I know that it would be terrifying and yet a little amusing to have a President Frothy and The Onion would certainly love how easy it makes their job.

But let’s take a quick glimpse into the horrifying possible future I call Frothyland. And I don’t mean the simple case like if either of these girls are gay they won’t get marriage equality, oh no any progress towards the legalising of gay marriage will be halted and missy you will get back in the kitchen, married to a man, barefoot and pregnant like you should be.

 No let’s take a deep and more terrifying look into Frothyland in which first of all there shall be of course the republican’s favourite thing of all, tax cuts.

This means less money for services such as streetlights and police. This is already happening.

Already women in America have a one in four chance of being raped.

Oh and in Frothyland birth control is banned. So the girls won’t be on the pill and after being brutally attacked they won’t be able to take the morning after pill either.

Thus the chances of being raped and the chances of that resulting in a pregnancy goes up like Santorum’s dick in a gay bathhouse. C’mon anyone that obsessed with what gay people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms has got to be repressing some inner urges...

Oh and here is a photo of him made up of gay porn because that shit is hilarious.

 

Right so sperm has met egg and thus a whole new person is instantly created whose life matters far more than the poor host/mother that this parasite is in.

Don’t get used to it little embryo. Your value to the right drops dramatically once you exit the birth canal.

So our little fetus is actually a gift from god. Now that’s a gift I would return but in Frothyland that is not allowed.

Oh yes you will look back fondly on the days when all a woman had to do to get an abortion was be raped again by a 10 inch shaming wand aka the transvaginal ultrasound wand.

 

Oh and don’t worry in Frothyland it could always be worse. After all if you had a medical condition that means it would be dangerous for you to be pregnant. You are just making that up to try and get out of having god’s gift, and there are no returns our favourite poop stain says. So no abortion for you!

Frothy thinks that you are a baby killing bitch, and how dare you think that you life is more important than that clump of cells inside you. They are a future baby and the fact that the parasite isn’t going to survive without its host is not something we think about when we have shit for brains.

So um nice knowing ya...

 

But let us hope for no such complications and so the little miracle is safely delivered. 

This is when another of Frothyland’s policies comes along to screw you once more.

See Santorum has stated that to get welfare you have to be able to prove who the father of your baby is. Good luck catching your rapist girls. Those police that are left probably aren’t gonna be able to cope with the workload.

This means you are on your own to pay for this little white elephant of a gift.

 

So in conclusion, yeah this is not a game you want to be on.

The beach from The Beach

I travelled to Koh Phi Phi with Norah my new friend from Krabi.  A good plan ma’am as we could split the cost of accommodation which tends to be pricy on this popular slice of paradise.

The islands are Phi Phi Don where the accommodations are and the smaller Phi Phi Leh where the tourists head on day trips.

 

We stayed in a cute little cabin that was out in the far end of the island past the ship shaped sunflower bar with its name written in wood.

Our spot was sunrise and our wooden hut had a one double bed and a net that was doing a very good Swiss cheese impression with more holes than a bad movie plot. Oh and there were lots of mosquitoes.

 

A whole extended family of bloodsuckers that saw me as their savoir from famine.

It seemed that I’d become a mobile feeding station for blood sucking insects. So Itchy!

For me it leads to those big questions on how bad a vegan I’d be if I slapped a mosquito that was biting me? Considering all it started it, I say no to bitey bugs!

Yes being itchy makes me a bit grumpy and possibly murderous.

I went outside to see a snake on a tree, looked down and my leg and 3 mosquitoes were feasting on my exposed flesh!

 

At night the beach is a loud party spot with fireshows and buckets of alcohol being drunk.

The noise carried to our thin walled camp so with that and the mozzies we didn’t feel like sticking around.

We changed to a different guesthouse that had two single beds, proper walls and stopped supporting the nutritional needs of every mozzie on the island.

 

The island has no cars and just paths to walk around. It seems like it would be better but it is not because it means that you share the path with bikes instead of being separate road and footpath. So every time you step out you are at risk of being run over by a clumsy cyclist.

Especially if you are distracted by something funny like this sign for droopy bananas.

 

In an unusual use for a bucket on this island I attempted to use one to make a sandcastle, my building skills were not good. I don’t think I got the right ratio of sand and water and when I tried to tip it out it just when flop. My poor collapsed castle.

Then it started to rain so I gave up. Maybe next time I will try a sand sculpture.

 

 

To see the smaller island we booked a half day trip on a long tail boat.

We went snorkelling which was fun as the water is crystal clear and the fish are tropically bright.

The main stop is to visit Maya Bay aka the beach from The Beach. That movie where Leonardo DiCaprio seeks a secret paradise.

Well word has got out on this place as it was packed with tourists.

The sand and surf was crowded and most sadly of all the water was full of plastic debris. The fact that it is still stunningly gorgeous just makes it all the sadder.

You can walk thru the interior of the island to the other side where the clear water is decorated by a cute blob of island.

 

There was a sign sadly surrounded by bags of rubbish, which pointed to the tsunami evacuation route. It is a poignant reminder that the Boxing Day 2004 tsunami had wiped out the islands.

Walking thru the main town (on Phi Phi Don) it is amazing to consider that it was devastated not so long ago and has been rebuilt.

The last stop was a beach where the local monkeys have become accustomed to tourists feeding them.

I watched as they jumped onto boats to amuse tourists who offered sweet treats. But kept well back myself as those beasts have fangs.

 

Norah and I went to dinner with a couple we met on the boat trip and I ended up in the ladies of a bar letting the wife take photos of my piercings.

Yes the ones below my neck. But I figured heck as they don’t have my face it doesn’t matter when they end up online.

 

The end result of this day was fabulous memories and bright red shoulders as I’d gotten sunburnt.

So I left the island with sunburn and a new sarong.

I bought the sarong as I loved the colours of it. I probably paid more because I didn’t see the one I had to have until I was on the island but I don’t care as I feel happy with my purchase every time I look at how pretty it is.

My sarong is so right.

Leaving Bangkok like a bat out of hell

I knew it was time to get the hell out of Bangkok as I was feeling rather unmotivated to do anything. The fact that the traffic is insane didn’t help to desist my desire to vegetate.

Also not helping was the fact that I had been ill. My theory is that it takes a few days for the foreign germs to build up in your system and then bang you a one sick puppy.

 

It was pretty pathetic, one pancake lasted me 3 meals. I got a vegan strawberry pancake from Ethos (I had previously had a vegan banana pancake which made me feel like a real backpacker since the path I was treading is known as the banana pancake trail) and it was good. But I could only eat half for breakfast. I ate a quarter that night for dinner and then I thought I put it in the fridge but it turned out to be the freezer so I ate the remaining frozen quarter for breakfast the next day.

So with the illness, lack of motivation and all the scamminess I just had to get the hell out of Bangkok.

 

I am not saying that all of Bangkok was bad.

There was some good stuff and I am not just talking about the time that I randomly came across the Porn Beauty Salon. I can only imagine what makeovers are performed here.

 

I had a pair of Pants that we slightly too long. Just long enough that I kept stepping on the ends of the legs and it bugged me. But lucky for me on the street there was a guy with a sewing machine. I was wearing the pants at the time so I got him to measure the right length on me. Then I zipped off the legs and handed them to him.

I wandered around the area while he removed the zips, shortened the legs and then sewed the zips back on.

I returned, rezipped and had perfect pants for under US$3.

 

I crossed the muddy old (Chao Phraya) river on a boat to visit Wat Arun. I confess I took one look at how steep the steps are and decided against attempting to climb it.

I saw the reclining Buddha at Wat Pho and got a massage. It is the home of a traditional Thai massage school. Thai massage can hurt a bit a times but overall it’s good. I should point out that this wasn’t the type of Thai massage that ends in a happy ending!

 

So anyway it sick of feeling sick and tired of being unmotivated to see the city I knew it was time to move on.

The way to go was definitely to head south and find me a tropical island paradise.

The idea was going to one of the islands in search of the perfect white sand beach with clear water that is the perfect shade of blue. I also wanted perfect palm trees to swing in a hammock from.

So with this idyllic image in my head I booked a bus out of Bangkok.

 

Like Rimmer in Better than Life  my subconscious mind that obviously hates me and apparently has some influence over my body took over. As just before I got on the bus I got the visit from aunt flo.

Yep the perfect time for heavy bleeding is right before a journey of unknown length where the bathroom options at the stops leave much to be desired (like toilet paper, running water and something better than a hole in the ground, oh and you get to pay for all this luxury too).

 

The backpacker buses that leave from Khao San Road are notorious for theft.

I guess they can be so cheap because they make up the rest of their profits by simply stealing them.

I was glad that I had a carry on sized pack and was able to take it up into the bus with me as people hide in the luggage compartment and then go thru the packs (locking them doesn’t help) as the bus drives thru the night and the passengers sleep obliviously above.

 

I actually found the bus to be quite comfortable. The seats had footrests and reclined far more than any airline seat I’d ever been in (but then I do always fly economy). They played a couple of movies and then the lights were dimmed.

The aircon is very cold but they provide blankets. A pillow would have been good but I had a jersey I bundle up under my head so I slept really well.

 

In the morning we disembarked our mighty coach (I got off with everything I go on with) and had to sit on the steps of a travel agency and wait for another bus. This time it was an old clunker and it took us to the port.

Then we waited at the ferry terminal until finally we boarded the Songserm ferry for the journey to the island of Koh Samui in the gulf of Siam.

By the time we arrived I was well past ready to relax in paradise.

Hong Kong to Bangkok and the world’s my oyster

I’d been to Hong Kong airport a few times by now. But this was the first time I‘d used the other terminal.

Terminal 2 it turns out is even better than terminal 1. And I now have a new love for Hong Kong airport.

First I enjoyed that it had a display regarding the future of the airport. I followed the runway decorated floor (with a cut out aircraft doing a low pass overhead) around and did a survey. As a reward I was given a free magnet.

 

Then little ole Plane Jane me discovered the aviation discovery area. It was awesome.

The area was quite dark so and my photos didn’t come out too well but you can get the idea of it.

There were displays set into the floor and covered in glass so they could be walked on.

There is a sky deck where you climb up to watch the aircraft. But you have to pay for that. There is also a fee for the flight simulator. But I heard that it is for kids only anyway.

The rest is free and includes videos and models that explain how aircraft operate. There is even a first class seat that can be tried out.

 

I was flying from Hong Kong to Bangkok with Royal Jordanian Airlines.

It was my first flight on an Airbus A330. I would like to try all the different airliners types (I’m fan of turbo fans). So far I haven’t been doing that well as I have only been on the most commonly used aircraft, The Boeings 737 747 777 and the Airbuses A320 and A380.

 

At check in they weighed my pack and it was 13kg. I’m sorry I can’t defend that really. But I will say that it did have my computer in it at the time.

They still let me carry it on. But attached a bright tag that said that it was heavy and could be denied by the flight attendants on board. I just don’t know what is to stop me from taking it off between check in and the gate?

 

On the way to the gate I was strangely fascinated by the moving walkway system. You could look down thru the glass panels that separated the two opposite directional travelators and see another set of these horizontal escalators below and the people using them.

 

On the plane I didn’t have any problems with the crew and just shoved my heavy bag up into the overhead locker myself.

 

The meal was lame and I have doubts about it being vegan. Part of it looked like it could have been custard or hamster pus. But I was too tired to eat anyway.

I was so tired so didn’t think I could follow a complex movie plot. So I put on a kid’s movie. The Rapunzel tale known as Tangled.

I still managed to wake up near the end with no idea what was happening!

 

My flight arrived at a late hour.

It was actually past midnight when I went thru immigration and I wondered if I would get stamped in on that day and thus have an extra day in Thailand. But no I was stamped as arriving the day before so I guess they go by when my flight actually touched down.

 

Due to the late hour I had no option but to get a taxi to the city.

Then I ended up wandering around at 1am looking for a place to stay. Not good start.

I was tired and it was dark.

Then it started to rain.

 

Really I should have booked a place to stay before I arrived as being lost alone in a strange city without much of a plan is not my best move.  Admittedly one I have done a time or two before. Oh well yet again I survived my stupidity and I did find a place to stay eventually.

 

I was in the Backpacker Central area aka Khao San Road. Many stalls sell stuff to the tourists and the many t-shirts being sold gave me an idea.

They should totally have one that says ‘Khao San Road, I see white people’.

 

Just a lil bit country

I must admit to wondering what kind of place I’d ended up in the day I went to the local Farmer's Market and saw not one but two separate people playing the accordion (no other instruments were seen being played). Had I randomly and accidentally entered The Polka Zone???

 

Although admittedly this was a one off and mostly my experience despite being in the northern Midwestern state of Wisconsin was of country music. I had always thought of this as more of a southern states thing. As the south is Dixie because it is below the Mason Dixon line (that bit that separates us from the bible belt) and I like The Dixie Chicks.

Rosie had her car radio set to play country music. So every time we were cruising around it was to songs by Brad Paisley, Tim McGraw and the like.

I ended up downloading some of their music and now every time I listen to it I am reminded of hanging out in America with Rosie.

I have great memories, like the time when diving around we’d often passed the same barn. I told Rosie we should give it a name and she came up with the perfect name: Barney!

 

She also liked blue collar comedians like Bill Engvall and the ventriloquist Jeff Dunham. My favourite character was José the Jalapeno on a Stick but Achmed the Dead Terrorist is pretty funny too.

What I do know is that I like it when Rosie gets drunk (she likes to get drunk and cook days) with her favourite alcohol named Captain which she says tastes like cake. She will talk southern and make me happy by quoting trash talkin turleen. 

 

 

 

But my real country experience was when we went up nort as they call it. I wondered if it was like down south but without the banjos...

I must admit that I’ve never seen Deliverance and I probably should have to complete my education in the way of the American wilderness dweller.

 

Before we left for some northern exposure I took the dog for a walk. She dragged me around the house and jumped in the car. She did not want to be left behind! She didn’t have to worry, she was coming with us.

 

I really liked this husky, as I would call her a hairball with a bark. Seriously when brushing her we would stop when she got sick of it, not when she ran out of hair. She would sing along to squeaky deaky and when she got it in to her head that I was taking her out she would follow me around until I walked her.

There was a crime when in a doggy ducknapping she came into my room and took Devil Duckie but we rescued my travel mascot before any harm was done.

 

The wolf (she looks like a wolf but she’s really a dork) had a fish toy and she would shake it so much it fell apart.

I sewed it up for her one day and she carefully watched me performing the operation wanting her fishy back.

My other crafting in the country was making an iPod cover for Rosie. I love the eco felt and the craft stores in America have a fine selection.

Rosie requested a super Mario cover as she has a Nintendo NES she likes to play.

We went with a controller on one side and a fire flower on the other.

 

 

Anyway back to the backwoods.

We set off me, Rosie, her 9yr old niece (let’s call her Daisy) and the dog.

We passed Port Washington and I was all hey that’s the place from Step by Step, because I am cool enough to remember lame 90’s sitcoms.

For lunch we stopped in Green Bay, I didn’t see much of it but I know that the football team is called the Packers and they wanted to bus kids from there to Rome Wisconsin in an episode of Picket Fences which was a good 90’s American show. I love how America is full of places from the TV shows of my youth.

 

Our final destination was a place called Sturgeon Bay in the weirdly named Door County. It is the bit of Wisconsin that sticks out into the lake so maybe it should be Thumb County? Although I think Michigan has claimed looking like a mitten status. Seriously, I didn’t make this up!

 

Rosie’s family’s shack is apparently worth 5 thousand dollars and the lake front land half a million!

After settling in we went for a walk along the pier which is concrete and by a lighthouse and canal.

We looked at the lake. It was rather cold that day and there were big waves. The lake is huge! I couldn’t see the other side. I guess they don’t call it a great lake for nothing.

 

With the weather cold and it getting dark we went back to the cabin and got a fire going.

We played games Monopoly, Game of Life, Skip Do and Clue then watched a DVD (Despicable Me).

For dinner I ate veggie burgers. Rosie and Daisy ate meaty stuff and then made the American camping classic known as s’mores. Daisy managed to burn her finger on the melted marshmallow that is put with chocolate between a couple of crackers.

 

When it was beddy byes time, I slept on a pull out sofa bed beside the fire.

During the night it got very hot from the fire so I opened the door to let in some cool air. Then the fire went out and I had to get up to close the door as the temperature inside dropped during the early hours.

 

We were only spending a single night so after breakfast we cleaned up the place and headed back.

We stopped for lunch in a place called Sheboygan. It’s just fun to say! Oh and it apparently has a spaceport, strange but true fact I looked up online just now.

 

I didn’t manage to make it to The American Club in Kohler which is somewhere nearby. Yes Kohler as in the bathroom fixtures. That’s where the factory is and the hotel which is listed in 1000 Places to See Before You Die and apparently has really nice bathrooms.

Shame we didn’t have the masses of cash needed to stay there.

 

And that concludes my account of my short venture into the backwoods of Wisconsin. It was a pleasant experience and I have not and don’t expect to suffer any future nightmares from it (I read the Deliverance wiki...)

 

Lastly I just want to add that my only other country thing was done safely back at Rosie’s house and was online.

It was hunting which is a very redneck thing to do, but being a vegan I found the perfect game Tofu Hunter.

I love killing wild tofu with high powered weapons, especially the trophy bucks!

Americana

So there I was in the mighty country known as the United States of America.

Yes the homeland of the seppo’s was being infiltrated by an undercover Kiwi.

I was in the great state of Wisconsin, what better place for a vegan than Americans dairyland? (Although I would have loved to find a magnet that said Wisconsin, come smell our dairy air).

I was near Milwaukee a place where the buses go to Lovers Lane (for group trips?) and the stadium collapsed during construction.

The city is where the TV show Happy Days was set and where Jeffery Dahmer did his serial killing (Rosie’s mom used to work in a building right by where his apartment was and showed me the spot).

The state is also where the onion began I was interested to see that you could get it in newspaper form there.

 

I was actually really into the whole small town Americana thing and I did my best to fit in.

During my first days as a Wild Kiwi in small town America I discovered that everyone loved my accent and I spotted a squirrel, two chipmunks and a crazy drunk neighbour in their natural habitat.

 

The area I was staying in despite technically being a city was so rural and surround by trees that there were deer that would just roam the streets and backyards. I would look around and be like this doesn’t look like a city, too much nature and not enough buildings.

The downside to this was that everything was spread out and I realised that it was true that America really is a country for cars. As I don’t drive and the public transport system was pretty lame I was kind of trapped at my friend’s house.

 

But it was nice there. I would walk her dog around the neighbourhood and marvel at how with the number of American flags of display there were surely more flags than people!

If I had to describe small town America by two items it would be flags and water towers.

 

I taped three shows on the DVR, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

It was cool as they were actually relevant. I mean the last two!

And oh I did laugh the day that Rosie’s mom called the tea party a bunch of tea baggers and Rosie had to explain to her exactly what tea bagging involves.

 

To really get into the American way of life I started couponing. I would cut out coupons from the Sunday papers and the good thing about being in America is the all the online stuff about coupons is actually relevant.

One of the tofu companies had a giveaway where if you sent in barcodes you could get shorts with extra firm written on the ass. It was suggested that if I wore them it would be false advertising. The cheek!

But back to me being the coupon queen, I was totally winning at extreme couponing. I shopped on double double daze coupon day at the grocery store. I even managed to get free products and I felt so American.

But deep down I tried not to dwell on thoughts about how I was probably better off in a country that was just cheaper without having to use coupons.

 

 

Religion is big in America and I was there for the (not) rapture.

We had a little yay The Rapture didn't get me celebration with Vegan nachos, virgin coladas and plans that didn’t quite happen to make some cookies as we all know that they are required for being on the dark side.

 

On the subject of food and especially close encounters of the vegan kind I have to say that America is pretty damn awesome.

They have a truly impressive selection of vegan products.

The vegan ice cream selection alone is almost enough to make me move there permanently.

Seriously they have alternatives made of rice, soy, almond or coconut milk and there are fancy flavours like cookie dough and chocolate fudge brownie. 

 

I made a vegan raspberry cheesecake (which Rosie renamed it 'soy cake'). I also made a tofu chocolate silk pie that was well received.

I tried a different state of vegan food with Hawaiian hotdogs. They are hotdogs in a bun with baked beans, bbq sauce and pineapple on top. Delicious.

The meltable joy of Daiya cheese is excellent and I drool remembering the twice baked stuffed jacket potatoes I created.

 

 

I was also there for the fourth of July (hey if I am going to fly for 14.5hrs to the other side of the world I’m going to stick around for awhile) and we went to watch the local Independence Day parade.

The parade was not unexpectedly very red white and blue small town America.

 Filled with local people on floats and walking the parade route. The funniest float was guys in huge top hats with faces on their bare bellies. There were also a lot of classic cars, marching bands and dogs in costumes.

 

It was a very hot day so I was glad that not only did they throw candy but also frozen ice sticks, I managed to get a big stash of these frozen ice lollies and used them to cool off. Every so often pulling a fresh one out from under our blanket and holding it against my neck.

 

Although instead of the free ice sticks I must admit I was more enamoured with the idea of eating a rocket pop.

They just seemed very American to me with their red white and blue colours.

But I discovered that I am retarded or they are more dangerous that bomb shaped coloured frozen ice would appear. Because alas as I ate one it the ice stuck to my lip and I had to squirt water from my water bottle to try and free myself.

In the end I declared them to be painful but tasty.

Singapore Swing

I had booked a budget flight to Singapore months before as I wasn’t sure if the airline wanted proof of an onward flight. They had checked on my way into the Philippines so it seemed pretty plausible they would check on the way out too.

 

They didn’t, but by the time my flight rolled around I needed to swing down there to do a visa run anyway.

So I flew down to Singapore from Kuala Lumpur on Air Asia.

The low cost terminal had wifi so I was fine with the wait. Even if I was a bit confused when they started boarding a different flight thru the same gate that my now delayed flight was supposed to be using.

I got a middle seat but figured that I had been pretty lucky in my travels so far and if I had to have a middle at least it was only on an hour long flight.

 

Changi is one of the best airports in the world.

I had heard about the swimming pool on the roof so went to have a look (just thru the doors, I didn’t take a dip) before I headed thru immigration.

Once past that formality I set off to find the next on my list if cool things to see at this airport. The slide.

 

Yes the airport has a slide for passengers to play on. It is fully enclosed metal and spirals down a couple of levels.

For a ticket to ride it you have to spend a certain amount in the airport shops. I did not try it out.

 

I needed to find somewhere to stay and the tourist information centre that uselessly couldn’t check availability, advised trying Chinatown.

So I caught the MRT and went to the first hostel I saw in Chinatown.

 

They didn’t have a bed that night but did for the following night. The girl was super nice and called around until she found me a place for the night.

I didn’t know that Singapore would be so popular and it took a few calls for her to find me a bed in this busy city.

 

I hopped back on the MRT and off I went to spend the night at a hostel with a very high top bunk, which of course was the only bed free. I slept in it thinking how when I am rich and can travel the world in luxury I will write a manifesto entitled No More Top Bunks!

 

Next morning I transferred to the other hostel and then set off walking to see some sights of Singapore.

Even thou this was Chinatown and not Little India, at the end of the street there was a Hindu temple. Sri Mariamman Temple is the oldest in Singapore.

Heading up South Bridge Road I found Boat Quay. This is an expensive drinking area where the historic shop houses have been converted into restaurants and bars.

I much preferred my cheap slurpee from a 7/11 (found in the back streets along with discovering that instead of Starbucks, Singapore has Shahbucks) that I drank while sitting taking in the area. One of my favourite features was a sculpture of a bird that was nicely rounded and rather wide like it was a buff bird.

Another awesome artwork was a sculpture of some boys jumping into the water. Which I thought was very well done.

 

Then it was onwards to the symbol of Singapore. That strange half cat and half fish beast, the Merlion.

While I was there it was the Merlion Hotel.

The transformation of the Merlion into a hotel room had been done as part of an art project by an artist named Tatzu Nishi whose name is spelt out in the tiles on the bathroom floor.

 

I had chatted to a guy managing the line and he convinced me that it was worth the wait in line plus the inconvenience of taking off my shoes to see it.

As I sat putting my shoes back on he came up and said that I must have liked it as I was the last one out.

This was actually because I had been chatting to a girl working inside about how I take devil duckie photos on my travels.

But it was also pretty interesting inside. I was amused that one of the little signs said that reminded the guests to draw their curtains advised that only the Merlion needs to see.

 

I must have been playing far too much Angry Birds (I am an official angry birds addict) as all I could see when I looked out at the view of the harbour was to imagine hooking up a slingshot to the Singapore Flyer and flinging an angry bird towards some green pigs sitting on the Marina Bay Sands.

 

The Marina Bay Sands is the hotel and casino that is made of three buildings with what looks like a boat lying across the tops. I didn’t go up but I met a guy who claimed that he had gone up to the viewing deck and managed to sneak in for a swim in the world’s longest and highest infinity pool. Yep it is 55 stories up and stretches out for 150m. Dubai eat your heart out!

I went to the Raffles Hotel, found The Long Bar and watched a bartender make a Singapore Sling.

Since I don’t drink, I wasn’t about to pay the outrageous sum they charge for this pretty pink drink. But I did purchase (from a street seller where such things are cheaper and less classy) a magnet of the Merlion drinking a Singapore sling.

Mission accomplished in seeing the creation of this concoction, I then headed to a nearby mall where there were many balloons decorating a forecourt. But that wasn’t what I came for.

 

My obsession with eagle creek packing cubes continues and I actually needed a new one. Yay for being able to justify purchasing things that make me absurdly happy.

I was happy to see the Singapore had some of the old patterns but unfortunately I was in the market for just a simple regular sized cube and the selection was not as diverse for that. But I got me one in the bark print which was better than a plain and boring solid colour.

 

Food is a big thing in Singapore.

I ate at a hawker centre as it was recommended but to be honest I didn’t think it was any different to the hawker food I had been eating in Malaysia.

I went for dinner at Deliveg and had the DFC which is their vegan version of KFC. It was good but needed to be a bit spicier.

 

This was just a quick trip to Singapore and so after two nights I left in the morning, catching the MRT to Little India to walk around there (I didn’t see any Chinese temples there to balance the Indian one in Chinatown). Then to the bus station I needed which was nearby.

 

The bus took me across to Johor Bahru bus station in Malaysia. From there I caught a bus to Kuala Lumpur.

The bus was actually pretty nice inside with large reclining seats. But I asked if I was assigned a seat and was told to just pick one. So I did. Then they made me move as the one I picked was one the side with two abreact seating and as I was travelling solo they made me sit in a single seat across the aisle. This was lame as the seat kept randomly reclining and the sun was on me.

 

This was the cheapest way to get from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur but it took awhile. We stopped for rest a break at a place that had many fish in ponds and a big fish fountain out front.

The bus arrived at the new bus terminal (that seems to be in the middle of nowhere) after dark and I then had to catch a train (that took forever and the first was so crowded I couldn’t get on and people would not move down to fill the gaps in the middle of the carriages. But the next train was only 5mins later and empty) into the city and a bus to the burbs.

 

The lasting impression I got of Singapore is that it is very clean and things just seem to work there.

A prime example is that you can even drink the tap water!

They say it is like Disneyland with the death penalty and it could be true, the guy on the money even looks like Walt Disney!

 

This post is brought to you by the letter F for fuck it!

So I thought I would update about what happened with the Finn after my little slice of heaven in Hel with him.

Because while Good girls go to heaven. I went to Helsinki.

So I could sum it up with in one word: Nothing.

But that isn’t much of a blog now is it?

 

So the Finn did email occasionally for a few months or so after I left Finland.

But in the end he was just like every other online guy and simply stopped replying to my emails.

Like a Nordic no dick he didn’t have the balls or common decency to say why or bye.

 

I wish I could say that it was a surprise but it is always this way.

I always know they are slipping away but I don’t know how to prevent it from happening. It just seems to be the unstoppable inevitable with hope slipping thru my fingers.

I really wish I didn’t have hope as I know it is stupidly unrealistic and it just leads to disappointment. But I am obviously desperate and dumb.

I have to remind myself that the freezing Finnish winter did not caused frostbite resulting in his fingers falling off.

He just didn’t want to email me.

 

So how did I scare him off?

It’s not like I said hey I really like this ring on the Helsinki map so how about it? (Although it was pretty and shiny).

I sent him an email of my brilliant suggestion, because I am full of good ideas:

“So I looked up the Schengen visa situation and apparently I can stay in the Schengen area for three months, but then I gotta be out for three months before I can return.
Therefore, in my little cash-is-irrelevant Schengen agreement compliant fantasy: I can travel around for three months and then you can tie me up and spank me like the naughty little girl I am until I have to go travel some more.

This shall be known as Vagabondage”

Well I thought it was good.

He seemed less enamoured with this plan.

 

I know that the fun finny fling has been flung. It was just a Finnish fantasy and the fine Finn fucking is finished. But I shall forever remember the fantastic time I had in Finland fondly.

I wish I could remember every single moment, as the memories need to sustain me forever.

Yeah so I realise that the idea of me having a romantic relationship is recognizably ridiculous

But I didn’t see why we couldn’t just be fabulous friends in the future.

Unfortunately even that was too much to ask.

 

So the thing is we emailed for about 5 months and met for 5 days. I guess you are wondering why am I so hung up on him.

What makes it hard to get over is that I know I most likely wont experience anything like this again.

He was everything I wanted in a man. He matched my interests and he was nice, smart, funny and attractive. Not forgetting rich and stupid enough to pay for a luxury hotel room for me.

I know I should have protested as a strong independent woman and not let him pay for things, but I liked having him take care of me and not having to think.

I am not saying he was perfect but I overlooked his faults (He didn’t have the looks of Brad Pitt, the bank account of Bill Gates or the dick of Dirk Diggler).

Why couldn’t he overlook mine?

 

I admit enjoying obsessing over this. Thinking that if things had been different he could have been the first guy I could have actually fallen in love with.

Not that I am stupid enough to do things like that. I have a strict policy that I will only fall for someone after they fall for me. Ha! as if right.

The fact is that I will sadly never know the wonders of loving or being loved by someone.

 

I just want to be able to look back fondly at my fabulous time in Finland. Instead of being invisible and ignored I was getting attention and it was something I adored. I felt attractive.

The memories are fantastic but they are mixed with the feeling of sadness that he rejected me.

At the time I knew that it would inevitably end but I didn’t want to think about the crushing disappointment that it would of course conclude with.

I just wanted to continue experiencing this wonderful happy time.

Now I just want to hear his cute little accent one more time. To look into his beautiful eyes, feel his arms around me again and kiss him.

And other such flights of fancy.

But it is never going to happen again.

 

So to sum it up in F’s:

The Finnish fling was a fantasy. It is finished and all I can do is look back on it fondly. It would be easier if I was frigid. I had hoped we could be friends but that faint fancy has flown now. I want to forever remember the frisky Finn foreplay but my memory is slowly fading.  

 

So in the end it was just the same old story. I liked him but he didn’t want me. Same shit different dude. I just really wanted him to be different.

Fuck it.