Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

High Hong Kong

So once again I found myself back in Hong Kong a place where you can get a cat with your magazines (Insert your own Chinese food joke here).

I was back just for one night so I decided to spend it in the backpacking centre known as TST because no backpacker can pronounce Tsim Sha Tsui.

 

I went to an infamous building that was big, old, full of backpackers and probably a fire risk.

It’s called Chung King Mansions and has lots of cheap guesthouses.

Found a place where I got my own room with ensuite and wifi included.

Being curious I wanted to see what was out the window. I do these things so you don’t have to and I don’t recommend it as behind window number one was an internal shaft that was dank and dirty.

 

Set off for the one day I had to hang out in Hong Kong ready to learn something about the place.

At Chuck’s suggestion I went to the Hong Kong Museum of History. He had good advice as it was worth the hk$10 (about US$1.30) entrance fee.

There was everything from the geological periods in the creation of Hong Kong to the recreation of old fashioned street scenes.

Real water and a fake backdrop were used for a display of boats in the harbour.

My personal favourite was towers of buns. They were from a festival where people would climb them. But I believe the practise was abandoned for being too dangerous. I do wonder where the idea that climbing a huge pile of pastry was a good idea started.

 

After my education in Hong Kong history I headed to Tung Chung on the MTR to catch the cable car up the hill.

Ngong ping 360 has 2 types of gondolas normal and the not for any acrophobics Crystal Cabin glass bottom version.

Not a fan of heights (or paying a premium) I went with the normal capsule.

 

Reading up on the operation now I am pretty shocked at the safety record. The service is currently closed due to a technical fault and it has been shut down numerous times in the past.

Including a time when a cable car fell off the wire!

 

This reminds me of how my parents always told me a story about how we nearly ended up in a similar situation in Singapore. There is a cable car to Sentosa Island and according to the parentals we were going to go on it one night but ended up going the night before.

The night we were going to go a ship sailed under the wires but it was too tall, hit the wires and caused some cars to fall into the sea.

For a while I thought that this was just a fanciful story. Then one day I googled it and it turns out its true!

Well the bit about the accident. I of course can’t prove or disprove the story that we were supposed to be on it at that time.

 

Anyway back to Ngong Ping 360 and their atrocious safety record. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know anything about this while I was riding it.

So all I thought was wow the view of the airport is amazing.

 

At the top of the hill I first headed to the Po Lin Monastery as they have a vegetarian restaurant and I was hungry.

The system works whereby you buy a ticket for the number in your party (in my case that would be 1, devil duckie is cheap to feed) and then take it to the restaurant.

I decided to splash out on the luxury set meal. The best bit was the tofu with lemon sauce and I had so much food I couldn’t finish it.

 

The other main attraction is the Tian Tan Buddha which is very big and made of bronze. It is up 260 steps. But with a full belly I had even less inclination than usual to exert myself to see a religious artefact that as Chuck put it “is all fake anyway”.

Although I think he just means that it was built recently as opposed to some ancient relics that were built to just as fake deities but have some history.

 

Walking back to the cable car station there were animals wandering around. Sacred cows perhaps?

And what was that? Was it a bird? A plane? Spiderman? No it was a display of cable cars from around the world.

 

An Ice cream man display wanted to be shot not sat on.

It made me wish I had a gun with me (in a major oversight on my part I never picked one up in the USA. I should have got one in my cornflakes box right?) Then I could have aimed and fired and been all “what it said I could shoot him!”

 

There was a display of weapons but they were not of the shooting variety.

But it did seem a bit violent isn’t Buddhism supposed to be peaceful?

I am not sure but there was a book that could have help me.

In the gift shop, always a good place to look for wacky things did not disappoint, is where I could have picked up a copy of Buddhism for dummies.

Or the very cute MTR styled office accessories.

Seriously who wouldn’t love a subway train stapler? Or a turnstile tape dispenser? Ticket machine notepaper or penholder, the gift for the person who has everything.

Americana

So there I was in the mighty country known as the United States of America.

Yes the homeland of the seppo’s was being infiltrated by an undercover Kiwi.

I was in the great state of Wisconsin, what better place for a vegan than Americans dairyland? (Although I would have loved to find a magnet that said Wisconsin, come smell our dairy air).

I was near Milwaukee a place where the buses go to Lovers Lane (for group trips?) and the stadium collapsed during construction.

The city is where the TV show Happy Days was set and where Jeffery Dahmer did his serial killing (Rosie’s mom used to work in a building right by where his apartment was and showed me the spot).

The state is also where the onion began I was interested to see that you could get it in newspaper form there.

 

I was actually really into the whole small town Americana thing and I did my best to fit in.

During my first days as a Wild Kiwi in small town America I discovered that everyone loved my accent and I spotted a squirrel, two chipmunks and a crazy drunk neighbour in their natural habitat.

 

The area I was staying in despite technically being a city was so rural and surround by trees that there were deer that would just roam the streets and backyards. I would look around and be like this doesn’t look like a city, too much nature and not enough buildings.

The downside to this was that everything was spread out and I realised that it was true that America really is a country for cars. As I don’t drive and the public transport system was pretty lame I was kind of trapped at my friend’s house.

 

But it was nice there. I would walk her dog around the neighbourhood and marvel at how with the number of American flags of display there were surely more flags than people!

If I had to describe small town America by two items it would be flags and water towers.

 

I taped three shows on the DVR, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

It was cool as they were actually relevant. I mean the last two!

And oh I did laugh the day that Rosie’s mom called the tea party a bunch of tea baggers and Rosie had to explain to her exactly what tea bagging involves.

 

To really get into the American way of life I started couponing. I would cut out coupons from the Sunday papers and the good thing about being in America is the all the online stuff about coupons is actually relevant.

One of the tofu companies had a giveaway where if you sent in barcodes you could get shorts with extra firm written on the ass. It was suggested that if I wore them it would be false advertising. The cheek!

But back to me being the coupon queen, I was totally winning at extreme couponing. I shopped on double double daze coupon day at the grocery store. I even managed to get free products and I felt so American.

But deep down I tried not to dwell on thoughts about how I was probably better off in a country that was just cheaper without having to use coupons.

 

 

Religion is big in America and I was there for the (not) rapture.

We had a little yay The Rapture didn't get me celebration with Vegan nachos, virgin coladas and plans that didn’t quite happen to make some cookies as we all know that they are required for being on the dark side.

 

On the subject of food and especially close encounters of the vegan kind I have to say that America is pretty damn awesome.

They have a truly impressive selection of vegan products.

The vegan ice cream selection alone is almost enough to make me move there permanently.

Seriously they have alternatives made of rice, soy, almond or coconut milk and there are fancy flavours like cookie dough and chocolate fudge brownie. 

 

I made a vegan raspberry cheesecake (which Rosie renamed it 'soy cake'). I also made a tofu chocolate silk pie that was well received.

I tried a different state of vegan food with Hawaiian hotdogs. They are hotdogs in a bun with baked beans, bbq sauce and pineapple on top. Delicious.

The meltable joy of Daiya cheese is excellent and I drool remembering the twice baked stuffed jacket potatoes I created.

 

 

I was also there for the fourth of July (hey if I am going to fly for 14.5hrs to the other side of the world I’m going to stick around for awhile) and we went to watch the local Independence Day parade.

The parade was not unexpectedly very red white and blue small town America.

 Filled with local people on floats and walking the parade route. The funniest float was guys in huge top hats with faces on their bare bellies. There were also a lot of classic cars, marching bands and dogs in costumes.

 

It was a very hot day so I was glad that not only did they throw candy but also frozen ice sticks, I managed to get a big stash of these frozen ice lollies and used them to cool off. Every so often pulling a fresh one out from under our blanket and holding it against my neck.

 

Although instead of the free ice sticks I must admit I was more enamoured with the idea of eating a rocket pop.

They just seemed very American to me with their red white and blue colours.

But I discovered that I am retarded or they are more dangerous that bomb shaped coloured frozen ice would appear. Because alas as I ate one it the ice stuck to my lip and I had to squirt water from my water bottle to try and free myself.

In the end I declared them to be painful but tasty.

Chinese New Year Cake Wreck

I experienced my first Chinese New Year in Malaysia.

When I had heard of CNY previously I had always thought of the Chinese dragon dance. While I didn’t see that, I was glad that I got to see a lion dance performance at the mall. The show has two acrobatic guys wearing the lion costume as they go up on a frame and jump around to the accompanying drum beats.

 

The Chinese version of Happy New Year is Gong Xi Fai Cai. This means wishing you a prosperous New Year. It actually literally translates to wishing you enlarge your wealth.

And I did.

One of the best bits of CNY for me was the monetary gifts.

I love that I get paid to be an old maid.

Single ladies like me get given the little red packets called ang pow. The cash in mine added up to 191RM.  Yes who knew that being an incel was so lucrative.

I am so staying a spinster!

 

The red packets are decorated with rabbits as we were welcoming in the year of the rabbit.

Yes ladies get yourself a new toy to celebrate as it is the year for your battery operated bunny to shine or buzz...

Back to more innocent items.

Also to show the bunny year there were Chinese steamed buns (Pau) shaped like bunny rabbits.

I was impressed and inspired.

 

I decided to go all out and celebrate with cake.

One day of the Chinese New Year is supposed to be everyone’s birthday so I made a vegan chocolate flying spaghetti monster birthday cake.

Well that was what it was supposed to be. Due to the fact that I ran out of sugar while making the vanilla frosting it was too runny to make good noodles. So it turned out more of a cake wreck.

For those wondering, this monster creation is made of four small chocolate cakes glued together with chocolate frosting. I made marzipan for the eyestalks and the eyeballs are longans.

 

Hmm I just think of my FSM failure as like when I was in Italy and I would look at all the old paintings of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus and try to pick which child looked the least like you would expect of a Jewish infant born in the Middle East.

Thus this Pastafarian dessert is just a different interpretation of the spagdeity…

 

It turned out to be a tasty treat but so sweet that I classed it as death by sugar. I feared that the cake could be a bit Typhoid Mary too as I came down with a cold around the time I made it.

But no one else got sick and while I thought that I should take it easy, I realised that since my life is one long holiday if I took it any easier I would be in a coma.

Doing Dubai

Stopping over in Dubai was the midpoint of the portion of my journey from Italy to Hong Kong that I liked to call Spaghetti to Noodles.

Well at least that’s what I labelled it as in my TripIt.

 

On boarding my first Emirates flight I was disappointed to discover that they had done the old airplane switcharoo on me.

It was scheduled to be an Airbus A330 but they had changed the aircraft

to a Boeing 777.

I have a thing about trying all the different types of airliners. But I’m not doing too well at it. I wish I flew more and on a greater variety of jets. I have never been on an A330 but have been on quite a few A320s, 737s and 777s.

 

Despite the newer aircraft type the in-flight entertainment system didn’t work, even after being reset.

So after eating the vegan special meal provided and entertaining myself by reading the in-flight magazine, wondering about the aftershave for sale named cockpit. (For those who want to smell like a pit full of cocks? Would it burn if you put it on you cockpit??) I mostly tried to sleep on the flight.

 

I arrived in Dubai early in the morning. The airport is spacious, modern and huge!

The new metro system has a station at the airport but I found out that the metro wasn’t working because it was Friday, the Muslim weekend and day of prayer.

This is just ridiculous. How can Dubai be an international city when it is held back by religious nonsense?

I mean England is Christian but they don’t shut down the London tube every Sunday!

 

So anyway I got a taxi to my hotel. I had booked the cheapest room I could find online as sadly my budget didn’t quite stretch to a penthouse suite at the Burj Al Arab (I didn’t even wanna pay the fee to cross the bridge onto it).

 

Dubai does have a backpacker’s hostel. But the reviews I read online were bad so I decided I was better off at the hotel which was also near a metro stop (FYI the hostel will be when they finish building the green line).

 

At my hotel I was pleasantly surprised that the staff were nice enough to let me check in despite it being quite early.

I had originally planned to just drop off my bag and go exploring, but I was really tired (I did not get much sleep on the five hour flight) and just wanted to sleep so this worked out well.

 

After some much needed rest I went out to see Dubai.

And by Dubai I mean a big mall.

I went to the Mall of the Emirates aka the one with the ski slope. Yes Ski Dubai is a large indoor ski slope that is attached to the mall. I didn’t go in, I just wanted to look at it and it’s viewable from big windows in the mall.

 

I was excited to be back in the Middle East as I love the food. I hadn’t eaten so I found a restaurant in the mall that had fuul that delicious fava bean dish I hadn’t had in so long.

Oh I was sad to be leaving Italy’s marinara pizza and soy gelato but Middle Eastern food is also delicious.

Mmmm fuul, falafel, hummus and Baba ghanoush I wanted all my favourites!

 

In the morning I caught a bus from my hotel to The Gold Souk. The interesting thing about the buses is that they have section for women and children at the front.

The buses (and metro) use a silver travel card for payment but you have to remember to tap both when you get on and when you get off.

 

 

The first thing I had to do was go to a bank to change my money to smaller notes since the ATMs give out Dirham’s (AED) in big banknotes that no one has change for.

The wait was long.

When I got to the counter the guy was like ‘Oh you could have just come up to the counter if you only needed to change money’.

Yeah that would have been helpful to know about forty minutes ago!

 

The Gold Souk and the nearby Spice Souk are historic markets and to be honest I found them to be not quite as exciting as I hoped.

I didn’t buy any gold or spices but wandering the back alleys I did see an interesting and random Mr Hand for an Upper Body.

I also discovered that not all fake apple phones are as realistic as others. The sales guy of the dodgy electronics shop I had wandered into really wanted me to buy one. I just wanted to take a photo.

And get directions to the metro station.

 

Walking around looking for the metro station I found the Deira Creek area.

It looked quite nice. A sunset boat ride on the river would be spectacular but I was too early and really wanted that metro station...

 

When I finally found the metro I took photos to show Courgette that it actually existed.

This was because when I was planning my trip at my job with no work, my boss Courgette who has been to Dubai twice kept telling me there wasn’t a metro.

There is of course, it is just very new and wasn’t built when she was there.

 

I took the metro to the Dubai Mall.

This is the vast mall with the big drippy aquarium inside. It wasn’t leaking when I was there but the news when it did had spurred me to visit Dubai before it totally fell apart.

 

The mall is one of the largest in the world. It is so big that if you want to find a store they just tell you what zone it is in. I made friends with one of the information desk workers so I watched him directing people this way.

Another indication of the size of the mall is the fact that there are thirteen separate information desks!

Also inside there is an ice skating rink, Waterfall and Candylicious the world’s largest sweet shop.

 

Outside it has the world’s largest dancing fountain next to the world’s tallest building, The Burj Khalifa. I didn’t go up as you can’t even go to the top, the viewing area is only halfway up. Of course that is still bloody high up in a building that may be dodgy...

 

I sat outside when I discovered the free wifi and found out that the fountain has different displays set to varying music every 30mins.

The wifi wasn’t very good.

So back near my hotel I went looking for an internet cafe to check email since it wasn’t working on my iPod.

 

I went out an exit of the metro station, didn’t find what I wanted so went back down to go out the exit I knew.

The metro station had just closed but the escalators were still working. A security guard who was heading up motioned at me to go back up. I was just like “seriously you think I am going to walk up the downward travelling escalator???”

I just continued down and then went up at the exit I wanted.

 

I found an internet cafe across the road from my hotel and the guy wanted to charge me more for using my own laptop rather than the cafe’s desktops. Oh no, that would not fly!

I pointed out the stupidity of this policy until the guy gave in and let me pay the lower rate.

 

Next day catching a bus I went to see the Burj Al Arab. This is claimed to be the world’s only seven star hotel. I just looked at it from the beginning of the bridge.

I have heard that it is really tacky inside. Like the trumpartment.

 

Back at the bus stop, waiting for a bus a Swedish family told me they had been at the nearby free beach so I went to check it out.

The water did look inviting but I didn’t go swimming as I didn’t have my togs with me.

This turned out to be lucky as later I read about The dark side of Dubai and eww!

Also I had no idea about the slave thing. I knew that Saudi Arabia pulled shit like that but I thought that Dubai was a bit more civilized.

Sadly it seems not so I do feel bad about enjoying my trip so much when the place was built with so much misery.

 

So anyway back at the bus stop I got a bus and the driver let me off just before the bus turned away from the road we were on as it was as close as it went to The Palm.

I then walked at least a kilometre beside the road until I got to the monorail station.

Unsurprisingly the place was deserted. But I am sure it will be popular when they finally link it to the metro system (they plan to link it to the red line).

 

The monorail goes out five kilometres along the trunk of the manmade island, Palm Jumeirah. There were only a couple of other passengers and a guard on the train.

The monorail has 4 stops but only two are open. Gateway station where I boarded and Atlantis Aquaventure where I disembarked. This is the end of the line and the location of the Atlantis the Palm Hotel.

 

I do not support the Atlantis Hotels as they abuse animals.

I know lots of people think it is funny to hear about the shark on the waterslide but it fucking died! And I am sure it suffered a lot first.

The Dubai Atlantis has a waterpark, aquarium and a dolphin bay filled with dolphins kidnapped from the wild so that rich tourists can swim with them.

 

The reason I was at the evil hotel was that from here I knew there was a free shuttle bus to the Dubai Mall and thus the metro system.

Unfortunately it wasn’t easy to locate as the employees are idiots.

I asked how to get to the shuttle and the first employee had no idea. The next sent me inside. There someone else told me to go back outside...

 I got pretty annoyed about being sent back and forth by these fuckwits.

I think it was caused by there being a shortcut through the hotel to the bus. But you had to pay to enter and I certainly wasn’t giving them any money.

When I figured out how to walk around outside it wasn’t even very far.

 

I got to the bus just in time and managed to get a seat despite the crowd.

At the mall I hung out until it was time to return to my hotel to pick up my pack and catch the last metro to the airport.

I spent the time chatting to my new info friend and eating falafel for dinner. This was awesome as the guys there told me which was the best deal (buy my drink elsewhere and they even went to get it for me) and gave me free extra falafel. 

I had forgotten how popular I can be in the Middle East!

 

I really did like being back in the Mideast and Dubai is fun.

But it is really Middle East lite!

Sure it has all the Middle Eastern stuff such as the souks, but then it has the big modern malls full of American and British shops.

Oh and indoor ski slopes, ice skating rinks, dancing fountains and the world’s tallest building...

Dubai is really like the Vegas of the Middle East!

Popeland

The day started in Rome at with Courgette pretending to have her hand bitten off in The Mouth of Truth.

Very Roman Holiday!

But despite me telling her to watch it before she came to Rome, the uneducated in Audrey Hepburn awesomeness Courgette still hasn’t seen the movie yet.

 

After leaving the church where The Mouth of Truth is located we passed some kind of military display thing.

I took photos because the building behind the field they had it all set up in looked pretty nice.

Plus due to the fact it looked to be some kind of airforce thing, they had an airship!

Well it looked more like a giant balloon than an actual airship but that is mere details, besides the airplanes and helicopters looked real enough.

But we didn’t have time to go invade investigate as we were off to another country.

 

In fact it was the world's smallest state (with the world’s biggest church), Vatican City.

With a boundary only 3.2 km around, the enclosed land area is smaller than some shopping malls and of course much less useful.

This is where the head of the Catholic Church lives his celibate life, telling his followers what they can and can’t do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

 

Just before we started the papal-palooza a guide gave Courgette €1!

It was because we were chatting to him (there are a lot of tour touts in the area around the border) and she said that if she had an €1 for every arch she saw...

 

Another guide asked me if I was going to the museum. So I said ‘no’. He questioned this and I confessed by saying ‘yeah I am going I just lied because I don’t want a guide’. Sometimes my blatant honesty amuses me.

 

So thus unguided we entered The City State of Scared Sperm.

Pope BeneDickhead either wasn’t home or saw me coming and hid. Probably for the best as I would have told Joe the Rat just what I think of his policies.

 

On the main square (Saint Peter’s Square, which is actually an oval) is St Peter’s Basilica.

The Cathedral has a Michelangelo sculpture just inside the entrance. The artwork called The Pieta and is the body of Jesus being held by his virgin (well actually she had probably had her cherry popped by then) mother. Mary must have had a very good plastic surgeon or perhaps her son hooked her up with a direct line to getting her prayers answered as she looks awfully young...

 

At first the church doesn’t look like it is the biggest ever since it is all in proportion.

But it is so huge that that I managed to lose Courgette in it.

Good thing my UK mobile phone was fine with me roaming in Rome (or the country inside it) and I just sent her a text message on where to meet me.

 

We then had to walk around the wall outside the delusional nation to the Vatican Museum.

This place was actually pretty great.

It wasn’t covered by the Roma pass (I guess they argue it is not technically in Rome...) and I don’t like my money going to support the cover up of paedophile priests. But apart from that it is totally worth visiting.

Outside in a courtyard I liked that they had some random giant ball, a rotating sphere that slowly spun around showing the patterns on each half.

 

Inside the shape of the museum is mostly two long corridors with the Sistine Chapel at the end.

These passageways were long and gorgeously decorated. Even the ceilings were intricately covered in paintings and gold embellishments.

I particularly liked the area where the walls were lined with maps.

 

Michelangelo’s masterpiece The Sistine Chapel didn’t look like I expected. I am not sure what I actually imagined it to be, but that wasn’t it.

But we found a seat along the wall and sat craning our necks to view the ceiling while listening to a podcast explanation of what we were looking at.

I did end up getting magnet of The Creation of Adam, although I prefer the version with my spaghetti saviour.

 

We had accidentally taken the shortcut to the Sistine Chapel so we ended up back there again when we followed the longer path to see the Raphael area.

 

Leaving the country of religious fuckwittery, Courgette  wanted to catch a tram I was like ok it looks like fun so we can just for a little bit and then get the metro.

This did not quite go as planned.

 

We didn’t know exactly where we were supposed to get off and went a little far. On the plus side I now know the location of the Borghese Gallery that I’ve read is good (this is will be on the list to see for next time).

Thus we ended up running across a park, asking strangers for directions to the metro station while worrying about missing our flights!

 

When we got back to the main Termini train station. I went to pick up my pack (Courgette had a tiny bag she carried around with her, I was impressed until I found out she didn’t have everything she needed and borrowed my stuff) and Courgette went to buy the train tickets.

We met at a falafel place and got some food to eat on the way to the airport.

 

The Fiumicino International Airport train is called the Leonardo Express and leaves from almost half a kilometre down the platform. Seriously Platform 25 is a 400m walk from the main station.

So we got on the train to catch our breath, combined with deep breaths of relief that we were now good with our arrival time at the airport.

 

It was awesome how we had coordinated so that our flights left at the same time (but from different terminals).

What was not so great was how I almost missed my flight due to Italian airport inefficiency.

 

It was seriously the worst long slow security line I have ever encountered (and I have been to the USA).

Finally I got through that and found there was then a line for passport control.

My flight was at last call for boarding when I finally got to the gate.

 

Courgette was returning to London on an easyjet flight that left a little after mine and I was off to Dubai on Emirates. So as she was getting ready to catch her no frills flight, I was sitting on my plane texting to tell her how they were now handing out hot towels...

 

As happy as I was to be on my full service flight, I didn’t really want to depart.

I saw what I wanted to see in Vatican City but I really did not get enough of Italy.

I didn’t want to leave the country it is definitely one of my favourites.

I don’t know when I will return to this delicious historical nation, but hope it is soon. Ciao bella.

Touched by Apple, Played with by play.com

So I finally got myself an iPod.

My pretty bestowed on me by the gods of Cupertino is a 3^rd generation 32GB iPod touch to be exact.

I joined the iPod generation and became Steve Job’s bitch only a decade after they first came out. Yeah I’m not much of an early adopter.

And since the 4^th generation has come out I don’t know how I can even show my apple fangirl face anymore with this out of fashion obsolete piece of technology.

Ok seriously I still love this thing. It is a great gadget!

 

It was Hunnybunny who first put the idea of getting an iPod touch into my head. He was drooling over them and I began to think I would like one too. Not just to make him jealous I swear!

So then I got a bonus at work that just happened to be exactly enough to cover the cost and decided that it could be my birthday pressie to myself.

 

I looked at them in the Regent Street London Apple store but ended up getting Chuck to buy it from the Hong Kong online Apple store (he gets a discount) and bring it to me. I saved £50 that way (would have been even more if the stupid exchange rate hadn’t changed).

 

As it came from an Apple store I could get free engraving and admittedly I rather obsessed about the possibilities.

I found a bunch of funny suggestions online such as:

Made by some sort of Fruit Company

Apple mind control device

10000 stolen songs inside

I’m a bad apple

 

My favourite idea was to quote to Bender from Futurama’s ‘Bite my shiny metal ass’.

But Apple wouldn’t let me have that. Inappropriate message text it claimed. There is censorship in the permitted engravings. The deity of the Apple cult has decreed that we must not use the ass (I guess it is a lot like the Christians who I used to torment when they came knocking on my door…). 

 

I considered a variation posterior/behind??? But it just wasn’t the same.

I ended up going with a song from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

‘Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty’.

It’s an iPod so a song is appropriate (no matter how inappropriate the lyrics) and it was an iPod touch so a song about touching and getting dirty. Perfect!

 

I now needed to protect my new baby.

I had seen iPod/iPhone covers online I thought were cool. But I realised that I could just make then myself.

Being an eco conscious vegan I had heard about felt made from recycled plastic bottles. I my brief search with Mr Google for stockists in England didn’t find any. So I just bought some coloured sheets of synthetic felt from eBay.

I was overjoyed when it arrived and turned out to be the Kunin Ecospun felt I had wanted.

 

I got the ideas of what I wanted to make online and just adapted them.

I didn’t know how to embroider so I read up on how to do it on the internet and even watched YouTube videos on how to backstitch. Thanks to the internets I was now able to make the covers.

I made the game boy cover first and then with that experience it was easier to make the iSketch Etch A Sketch and the classic iPod covers.

 

The iPod touch turns out to be perfect for travelling. There are apps that are helpful for travel plus games to play, books to read and music or podcasts to listen to when bored. Awesome how much assistance and entertainment can fit in one little shiny shiny tech toy.

 

Here is a list of my top ten favourite apps:

Angry birds and angry birds seasons - I am an official angry birds addict. This Israeli peace process parody video is hilarious.  

Plants vs. zombies - the zombies are coming! I think it has a good vegan message on the power of plants.

Flight control – play air traffic controller, drinking problem encouraged with a refreshing beverage offered when you get a high score.

Aargon – who knew reflecting laser beams could be so fun or addictive?

Trip it – you can put all your travel plans in one place and give your trips fun names. 

Stanza, iBooks and Kindle - you can mix it up with your choice of eBook reader.  

Lastminute.com Spanish - it will show you the translation and also has audio for those essential phrases such as “I’ll show you my white bits if you show me yours” 

Xe - I love that you can set a bunch of different currencies to compare and it works offline, resetting the correct values when you have wifi. You can pull it out, look at the rate and then say wow that is so expensive! While the vendor in some third world country wonders if the device you are viewing it on cost more than they make in a year…

VegOut – in the beginning this wasn’t too good on the iPod touch as it didn’t work without wifi. Luckily they listened to feedback and updated it so you can now set favourites that can be looked at offline when you are out and about and hungry.

Vegan soundboard - because sometimes it is just too much effort to say all those pretentious vegan phrases yourself.

 

Really the only bad thing about this little beauty is that it doesn’t fit the iGoatse case I coveted.

Mine has a black and white rebel touch skeleton (Yes a case and a cover to keep my precious safe).

I had problems with play.com getting it.

I placed my order online and it was not in stock but advised it usually shipped in ten days.

Yeah ten days my ass! On what planet? Venus???

 

When I called I was told that if I cancelled my order and reordered the same item, then it should clear any glitches in the system and I would receive the item. Oh how they liked to play with me as I just got the same result as the first time. No case was coming my way.

When I emailed to ask for an update on availability with an answer that wasn’t just keep waiting. They replied to keep waiting!

 

I understand that a company can run out of items but what annoys me is that the item has always remained for sale on the website stating that it is usually dispatched within 10 days.

If you do not have the item I think that it should be removed it from sale, then advise those that have ordered it that you are just screwing with them and offer an acceptable alternative.

To just be kept hanging on for months is very frustrating.

I vented my frustration by writing emails:

 

Dear customer support team

In regards to our correspondence I am left with the feeling that your standards of service leave much to be desired.

I see that that you new chief executive John Perkins said: "Play.com has established itself as one of the top online retailing brands in the UK and Europe by putting the customer at the center of everything it does. There are few companies that are so committed to the customer, and I am looking forward to building on the company's success so far and leading the talented Play.com team."

I do not feel that you response has shown a commitment to customer service that Mr Perkins would be proud of.

I would like to tell him about my experience myself, could you please provide me with his email address?

If you are unable to do this, could you forward my email to him as I would love to receive Mr Perkins response to my complaints about the fact that:

1) An item was advertised for sale with a usual shipping time of ten days when I have still not received it after 2 months

2) When I asked not to be left hanging on about when I would receive the item the first email response I got told me to just keep waiting.

3) After realising I would probably never receive my preferred item, when I asked for a very small discount on an alternative for the inconvenience and disappointment that the company has caused me I was denied this small token of customer service.

I have given your company many opportunities to put it right and now I do not feel that the company is as committed to customers like me as Mr Perkins thinks it should be.

 

Yeah unsurprisingly Mr Perkins did not deign to offer me his excuses on what a total liars he and his company are.

Thus I got to write one final email:

 

Dear customer support team

I have now cancelled my order.

Quoting your legal status in the matter does nothing to help when the problem is not with the legality of what your company did but how you handled it to make the situation better for the customer.

I am very displeased with the customer service experience I have had and I don’t feel that my custom was valued at all.

It is a shame that your company does not realise that it’s easier to keep loyal customers than gain new customers.

Now I shall now commence telling everyone about my bad experience with play.com as the old saying is that one happy customer tells 3 friends (on average), one unhappy customer tells 10.

You should also remember that behind every complaint hide another 99 people who didn’t feel like hanging around to tell you the very same thing. So listening to one person’s problems has the potential to fix a lot.

Please take a moment to consider this before you hit the delete button on this email.

 

Yeah I am sure they just deleted it, but it felt so good to send it.

 

P.S I ordered the SwitchEasy case on eBay and it arrived the next day.

London life lite!

Since a lot has happened and my blog is so dreadfully behind I thought I would brief you with a condensed update of some of the more interesting things I have been up to in London.

Some is in chronological order and some is just random like my life.

 

- I loved that in London you never knew what you might see when you went out. I saw this jolly banana by the Leicester Square tube station.

 

-A member of the Joseph Smith cult showed me his secret special Mormon underwear (they were not briefs). They were being worn at the time so I don’t think that he should have been flashing his shit around town like that, they might lose their magical powers…

I so should have bought and been wearing the t-shirt I saw that said too stupid to understand science? Try religion!

 

-Got tested to see if my STDs were like Angelina Jolie's kids, got one from every country…

The results came back clear, and they confirmed I am without child (wait can I count kids as a sexually transmitted disease too?). So yay for slutting my way around the world with no negative consequences!

 

- I was given a new ducky. This one was a policeman duck to keep Devil Duckie in line. I took both to the natural history museum.

 

- Got a job doing sales and realised that I suck at selling stuff. I lasted 4 days and it was really a case of will I get fired first or quit? Turns out the trick is just to suck at your job and you get reassigned to one more suitable to your talents. I got moved to another area and an awesome job where I got paid to do nothing but surf the net all day. The job I had been training for my whole life!

 

-I had an awesome boss I shall call Courgette (I am about due for another veggie name and this sounds feminine right?).

So one day she had a new diary and was all excited as this made her very happy. Courgette even invited me to touch this new book of hers. She was like stroke it feel how nice it is.
I did and I even added in some pleasure noises and told her I wanted to rub it over my body.
Courgette then admitted that she has a bit of a stationary fetish.
So I said that I was thinking of getting a fetish myself. I just couldn’t decide between sadism and stationary.
So she recommended that I combine them.
I was all like ‘ooh paper cuts!’

-I did do some paper craft to keep myself busy while at work and gave them to my co-workers who seemed to appreciate them. I made a Hello Kitty for Courgette as she is more than slightly obsessed with Hello Kitty (I think she should have a Hello Kitty wedding, or if she doesn’t find a man to marry in such a cute ceremony then get a Hello Kitty vibrator and call it Hello Clitty!), Johnny Depp (for a co-worker who thinks she is married to him), Steve Jobs, an iPad, Homer Simpson and a toy story alien.

 

-Moved to a big share flat that was walking distance from work. When I was explaining to my co-worker how I lived in one of those houses that are all stuck together in a row she was a bit confused being British and goes do you mean a terrace house?

I showed my sister on Google stalker vision aka street view and she was like do you live on Coronation Street?

-The landlord was a bit of a slumlord and when the boiler broke we had to survive without heating and hot water for almost a couple of weeks. In the middle of a very cold London winter.

But that first long hot shower after 10 days was so good!

I was all sorry baby wipes you were there when I needed you. But even when I pretended to be an astronaut I was just not that into you, my heart belongs to hot water!

 

-There were lot of people crammed into that house, most were cool but there was one sucky flatmate. He was the self appointed master of passive aggressive notes. One day I wrote on one of this notes that if he was gonna write passive aggressive notes he should at least learn how to spell peoples names properly.

English not being his first language, (well not really his second either since he didn’t seem too keen on learning it despite that supposedly being his reason to come to England) he did not understand what I had written and he came into my room to threaten me and punch the wall as he had concluded that the passive meant I was discriminating against him for being gay!

1) Ewww more info than I ever needed to know about him! And 2) how can I discriminate when I didn’t even know he was gay?!

 

-I saw a squirrel in our backyard, it even came up to the open kitchen door one day. Another day I walked out the front door and a squirrel came up and put its little paws on my leg. So freaking cute.

But I do suffer from squirrel squealing syndrome where I must shout “squirrel!!!” if I see one. It is apparently not socially acceptable and I should start a support group or something.

 

-My bedroom overlooked the backyard. This was good except for the time that one flatmate got locked out and decided that the best way to get in would be to throw things at the window until I woke up and came down to let him in.

Chuck has also woken me up in the middle of the night. He phoned me from Eastern Europe to tell me that I should take out my piercings, shave my pussy and travel. I am not making this up! He then gave me a pop quiz on European city locations. He was of course very drunk when he did this and later did not remember any of it at all.

 

-While I have a little game of guessing what the TSB stands for in Lloyds TSB (Total Sucky Bastards is the cleanest version). Others went as far as getting stickers printed to show their blatant contempt for Barclays bank. A most impressive effort.

 

-I started a new Christmas tradition of having a bubble bath (with lush products) and making vegan tacos. I think I have hit on a winner.

I am still amazed at how little snow can shut down London. It happens every year people, make a plan!

I will admit that I hate when the snow gets all slushy, and then freezes into ice. Oh the number of times I slipped on my ass…

 

- I invested in a pair of vegan boots. I would wear them to work even though they were a bit combative. Courgette didn’t care, she was just all ‘where did you get veggie docs???’

One day I wore them with a floral skirt and my fashionista co-worker was not impressed. I just replied that the flower-pattern said I was feminine while the steel toes said but don’t fuck with me!

 

-Work paid for a trip to Thorpe Park (yeah I know I needed that break from doing nothing) where I discovered that while I am a wussy when it comes to the normal big scary rollercoasters like Colossus and Saw. I don’t mind the inside backwards ones, it was called No Way Out and was way out fun.

 

-I blew off watching hula hooping to blow my nose. They were trying to set a record for most people hula hooping at once. While I seemed to be setting a record for most number of colds caught.

 

-In doing my bit for animal rights I went on a protest march and I even got to carry a sign. There was a small child that someone gave a loudhailer to and he was actually rather into using it. I wish I had taken video of the kid in action as he was awesome!

 

-Attended my very first pantomime a budget basement one that was totally gay. I mean that literally as it was called Sinderfella and the not so young Sindy was a transvestite. It was lots of fun! I took my gay friend Hunnybunny and he loved it too.

 

-Hunnybunny left London and the day before departure decided he needed to actually see some of the city so I told him we could do any touristy thing he wanted, he chose one of those big bus tours.

Sure I saw lots of London landmarks but a rarer view was seeing that there was a spider inside the audio controls. Spidey was still alive in there and probably rather happy to have found a warm spot on an open top bus.

The best bit of our day was the river cruise. If you are gonna do one touristy thing in London that’s the one.

I loved that I saw tourists with a Rick Steves London guidebook. But shock horror, I am so behind as theirs was a newer version than mine.

 

- On our big day of seeing the sights Hunnybunny was wearing a wedding ring. He had gotten very drunk the night before and had some kind of gay wedding. The ring was certainly rather gay. Happy in a plastic fantastic kinda way.

 

-In the Middle East I got asked a lot why I was single. So I was getting used to being invisible again in London. But I did meet yet another internet freak and this one was a vegan atheist who liked duckies. 

He was just like me and I didn’t realise how annoying I am!

But seriously he asked me to be his girlfriend. No one has ever asked me that before so I did have to seriously consider it.

I know that I need to lower my standards, but the question is how much? I concluded that if a man makes me feel all stabby I just can’t be with him, no matter how desperate I am.  Very likely it would end in tears and/or grievous bodily harm.

Yes I may regret this missed opportunity as I probably won’t get another.

 

-During a visit to Kew Gardens I scared myself silly on the treetop walkway. Yes I know I should have known better with my fear of heights, but seriously who designs these things with a mesh floor so that with every step it flexes frighteningly and freaks me the fuck right out???

My favourite exhibits were the giant lily pads in the Waterlily House and the seed pods sculptured from willow branches.

 

-Had a work party on a boat cruising along the Thames on an old Mississippi paddle steamer. A party where all your co-workers are getting drunk is great for blackmail photos. Also as I totally predicted they played the song I’m on a boat.

 

-My boss from my job in Australia stopped over on a round the world trip. We went to the changing of the guard in the pouring rain. Didn’t see much changing of the guard (seriously they carry waterproof music but all we got was a few drum beats) but did see a wide selection of umbrellas. Hey at least he got to see the real (wet) England.

 

-Much eating of yummy vegan food was done. The best cake is at Inspiral in Camden (they have a cake that is like a giant peanut butter cup that I think might have to go on my death row last dinner list) and the best ice cream remains the knickerbocker glory at Pogo in Hackney.

But the best budget way to eat your way to a sugar high and crash into a cake coma is at cake swap at the SSOV shop VX.

I even attended a vegan faire which is just one of the most awesome things ever. All vegan, all the time and with free food samples.

 

-Lastly war has been declared on the supermarket self checkout.

This is because the stupid self checkout is always going 'unexpected item in the bagging area'

Now if a bloody whale appeared out of nowhere, decided it didn’t like the cruel supermarket cashierless world and proceeded to smash itself to pieces over the bagging area that would be rather unexpected. But how is a bag not be expected in the Bagging area???

Euston we have a problem

I’m a girl that loves the tube!

The London underground that is.

Sure it can be hot, crowded and expensive. But it’s just so easy!

 

Unlike the bus you don’t have to worry about knowing which is your stop. They are clearly named. Although some are named better than others.

Everyone new arrival must giggle at the end of the Piccadilly line being called Cockfosters (I so want to go there with a can of fosters and take dodgy photos).

 

I enjoyed the very British way they remind you to mind the gap between the train and the platform.

Before I moved to London I had heard of the game Mornington Crescent and I would think of it every time I passed the station (even though it is not even a real game).

 

I never had any terror on the train. Tedium on long journeys was a greater risk. To counter it, I liked how people left the free papers onboard or I’d try pulling out a book to read.

But then sometimes this would result in that queasy feeling. Yes Euston we have problem and it is that I tend to get motion sickness

Luckily I never hurled chunks on the train. 

 

Other problems were encountered too. I have tried to catch the tube when it was so crowded I couldn’t get on until the third train came along (and then someone pulled the emergency alarm).

 

In the world of London transport the world is your oyster card. Giselle gave me one when I arrived at Heathrow and I used it to take the Piccadilly line into the city.

One day I couldn’t find it, lost or sticky fingers at the hostel?

I had registered it online so I called them up but they couldn’t tell me if it had been used.

I did get the amount on it thou so loaded it on a new card and put it in a nifty new purple holder I got free at a travel show. Then I got handed a shiny silver one free outside a tube station one day.

I do like the holders with the tube map on them.

 

The tube map is a design classic. Oh how I love thee.

When I went to the transport museum gift shop I was impressed by how many different and varied things they could stick it on.

But you don’t have to go to a specialized place.

There are tube souvenirs for sale all over the city and my favorite is the socks with a tube map printed on them. Yes tube socks! I totally want them.

My award for tackiest souvenir (always a coveted prize) goes to the mind the gap G-string.

 

Alternative versions of the tube map have been made.

I like this one that show how much is actually underground.

Or this one that shows the real route of the lines.

The points of interest map that changes the station names to what is located there.

But the best ones are just funny like this or wonderfully rude. 

There are a few that change the names to different themes like The Undergrub map which changes the names to food items.

You are not supposed to talk to or even make eye contact with anyone on the tube. It was just an unwritten rule that everyone followed but some wag online made these signs.

 

Real ads can remind you that there is probably no god. Always a good thing to remember when packing in a carriage that is speeding along a tunnel deep underground with strangers who may have explosives in their backpacks.

 

But the best fake ad is this underground undertaker one from fail blog.

 

I set a personal a goal to travel on every underground line. The only one I have left to try is the Waterloo and City Line which is the shortest one.

I’m not quite as keen as some who go to every station.

 

I heard that there is a challenge in New York City when people ride the subway thru every station, not sure if it has been done without pants…

Here the Brits, well ok probably more the Aussies (on Australia day I saw so many people dressed up on the tube) do a circle line pub crawl. Although this has probably been made more less fun since drinking got banned on board (I guess there is still the monopoly board pub crawl…). 

Istanbul not Constantinople

I arrived in Istanbul early in the morning not so fresh from a night bus journey, and went looking for the hostel that had been recommended to me by the Aussie chick I met in Byblos/Aleppo.

I found the street of hostels and a local guy helped me find the right one. He said that after I had checked in I should come and see him at the hotel where he worked for breakfast.

So I did.

He said just go eat and told me what to say if I was challenged on being there. I wasn’t, and I helped myself to the buffet breakfast. Stolen brekkie does taste all the sweeter. Plus the free food was served up on the roof top terrace of the hotel and so I had a fabulous view of the Bosporus.

 

A good start to the day and food in Istanbul but I was disappointed at the lack of falafel in the city.

I first tried this food of the gods at a Turkish restaurant in NZ and my love of it made me want to visit Turkey. All the Turkish places in NZ have falafel on the menu and it set up some false expectations in me on its availability. Thus it was strange to me when I finally got here to find that they don’t actually have a lot of falafel in Turkey!

 

I remember way back when I was a university student in NZ at a gathering of a couple of my flatmates and their friends. An agreement had been made to meet at the Blue Mosque in Istanbul some years in what was then the future, I don’t think anyone made it to that meeting.

But here I was now!

I didn’t think that it was that blue on the outside. But inside it is supported inside by four huge columns, has pretty windows and a beautifully patterned dome.

 

The mosque of Suleiman the magnificent was being renovated when I visited so I only saw a small area. But as I was sitting on the carpet inside head covered in a scarf and all, I realised I was wearing alcohol print socks. That’s got to be wrong right?

 

One night I was admiring the sign strung up between the minarets of a mosque (it’s called Mahya and done during Ramadan) when I spotted a cat I thought could be a kitler. Yes that’s a cat that looks like Hitler.

 

I was looking forward to seeing the Grand Bazaar but it wasn’t as busy or dirty as I expected. Having seen a few around the Middle East I wasn’t so easily impressed anymore. It was so big and clean it was like a mall.

Although I did see an interesting chess set for sale.

The Spice Bazaar was much more like I was expecting but it was smaller.

 

The Topkapi Palace is huge and had four courts. In the second I was disappointed that the kitchen wasn’t open as I had a sudden desire to see the huge pots and pans.

The third court had a treasury full of shiny things. But it was there were so many people that it was hard to study the treasures.

I really wanted to take a photo of a gorgeous model of The Dome of the Rock since I had really liked the real thing in Jerusalem. But photos weren’t allowed and there was a security guard watching me.

The fourth court had a great view of the water and some lovely tiled pavilions. One was designated for royal circumcisions!

The future sultan’s schlong meets the scalpel for sensitive skin separation in such a pretty summer pavilion.

 

I went back to the second court and paid the extra to see the harem, which is where the family lived and of course the place where the sultan kept his concubines.

It was big, rather maze like and elaborately tiled.

 

An Aussie chick I met in the restaurant she worked at in Goreme recommended that I go and say hi to a guy named Hussein in an Istanbul carpet shop. She even drew me a map of how to find the place.

I went to there but he was away.

The shop is the one from the book In Turkey I am Beautiful.

I hadn’t heard of the book before but an employee showed me the book and I read the bit about him.

He was Bull Ant and I can attest to the fact that he is just like he is described in the book!

As per his reputation he took me down to the shop’s basement. He was hoping to try his magic on the carpets down there.

Yeah I don’t think so buddy! I was not interested in his ‘Turkish delight’!

The only thing extending was my camera lens as I just took a photo of him holding the book.

 

The whole time I was in Istanbul I kept singing Istanbul (not Constantinople). I would even tell my friends that I was in Istanbul not Constantinople, so if you want to meet me in Constantinople I will be waiting in Istanbul.

When I was in the Aya Sofia I was very happy to hear that a guy who walked past me was singing the same song.

I thought to myself ‘yay I am not the only one with it stuck in my head’!

Syrian insanity

Two tales to make you wonder how the heck this crazy kiwi chick has some how survived Syria.

One story is when I went to look at soap and ended up locked in an insane asylum.

The other is what happened when I disregarded all the safely rules for a solo female traveller and let a strange man take me home to his village.

 

 

The first adventure began with a visit to a soap factory as Aleppo is famous for the olive oil soap that is produced there.

I popped my head in the open door and a guy who didn’t speak English took me up to see the soap. I did see a big vat too which is where I’d guess they actually make the soap. But it was the wrong time of year to see the production of the soap (since it is made from olive oil it is naturally done after the olive harvest).

So I went upstairs and saw the many stacks of soap and workers loading them into sacks.

The guy didn’t try to sell me any soap so I just left.

I bought some of the soap later in the market and I got given some too. It is really good stuff. The best is aged for years and it is dark on the outside. The block is sawn in half and inside it is green.

 

Across the road from the soap factory is Bimaristan Arghan, the old insane asylum.

The door was locked when I walked over there so I sat outside and waited until the keeper of the keys showed up and let me in.

I explored the old insane asylum. There are small passageways one of which lead to an octagonal courtyard with the cells off it where the patients had been locked up long ago.

I wandered around imagining what it would have been like years ago when the mad wails of the mentally unstable/criminal ally insane would have echoed thru the halls.

 

When I went to leave I found that I could not as the caretaker guy had gone out again and I was trapped. Yes I was locked in an insane asylum. It was bound to happen one day…

 

The man’s wife and kids were locked in with me. So I sat with the caretaker’s family. She was very nice and didn’t seem to mind me being there. We tried to talk but couldn’t as they didn’t speak English but did they did manage a bonjour.

 

I was looking at some books on Syria that the girl was trying to show me when one of the little kids (a boy aged around 2 or 3 I’d guess) found a bottle of Windex and proceeded to spray it at me.

He kept spraying me and there was no escape as the door was locked.

Luckily the kids became distracted from cleaning me by jumping into the central pool in the main courtyard with their clothes on.

 

The caretaker came back and was surprised I was there.

He must have realised that I am clearly totally sane as he let me out.

And thus I survive and escaped being locking in an insane asylum.

 

 

 

Drama two began as I was walking down the street in Aleppo when he fell into step beside me and started a conversation.

He was a young Syrian guy who wanted to practise his English. I was ok with assisting him in that worthy pursuit.

So we hung out in the city, he wanted to buy some pants or trousers (I couldn’t work out if he was learning British or American English) and I went with him to the store. It was all very innocent.

 

But he wanted more.

He wanted me to visit his village. I of course declined the many invitations.

But the boy has persistence I will give him that. He pleaded with me and even got his friend who had lived in the states and spoke better English to talk to me on the phone and tell me I wouldn’t wake up in a bath full of ice missing a kidney…

And eventually I gave in to the begging of The Syrian.

So I went on a train to his home town.

 

It was about a 30 min train ride and then when we got there we got off the train on the wrong side (opposite side to the platform), walked across the tracks and then thru a hole in the fence and along a dusty road.

The Syrian pointed out the school that he taught at along the way.

 

His house was behind a plain looking gate and had a nice courtyard with a fountain under grapevines.  There was a painting on the wall to show that his mother had been on the hajj (pilgrimage to Mecca).

He lived (and by the looks of it shared a room) with his mother. His brother who lived close by came over to say hello/see the tourist.

I sat by the fountain in the shade of the grapevines and was amused that The Syrian kept changing his outfit and parading around...

 

It was Ramadan so we waited until the sun went down and then broke fast. His American friend came over to join us and it was all great until I asked about the exact time of the train back to the city.

The news was then broken to me by The American saying there weren’t any trains until morning, that actually there weren’t anymore trains that night and I was stuck there!

I had told the Syrian that I didn’t want to stay the night and he had reassured me that there were return trains every 4 hours and I would be able to get one at around 9pm.

This naturally totally pissed me off!!

 

Mainly as my system wasn’t completely recovered from my little bout of sickness and I had noticed that they only had a squat toilet (with no loo paper of course).

Yeah it is funny that was what was most worrying to me about being trapped in a village with strangers.

But I am a princess and I wanted my throne!

 

So in a bad mood I marched off into the dark night.

As his mommy had told him to The Syrian followed me as I stomped to the train station to check about trains. I was in a bad mood, snarky in the darky.

At the station I found the station master who was a nice guy.

He said that there was a train that wasn’t supposed to stop at this station but he would see what he could do.

Thus it was arranged for the station master to try and stop a train that was not scheduled to stop at this station.

 

We waited at the station and the Syrian kept saying sorry.

I felt a bit guilty about being a bitch to the Syrian so I gave him my contact details.

When the train approached the station I helped by standing on the platform and sticking out my thumb.

The stationmaster was successful and nice new train new fast train that was travelling between Damascus and Aleppo made an unscheduled stop in middle of nowhere so I could get on.

They didn’t charge me for the trip either!

The guard asked me for my ticket and I said I didn’t have one. He asked if I got on at the little station and I said yes. He just said you are welcome.

So my escape included a free ride on the fancy train. Bonus!

 

So what happened next? Well with my contact details The Syrian Stalker as I began to refer to him made many phone calls. Often of the ring once then hang up variety which at least were easy to ignore.

He also added me to his online messenger.

I’d figured out what he wanted and so was not at all surprised when he asked me to marry him. Also unsurprisingly this was simply because he wanted to go to my homeland. He did offer me money to wed him for citizenship. Well he said it could be for studing. I think he meant studying and it was quite the Freudian slip…

Anyway he considers my bride price to be 46,000 Syrian pounds. I was flattered until I realised this is only US$1000.