Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

The Lazy Girl’s Guide to Becoming an Olympic Athlete

With the Olympic Games coming to a close in Beijing I am sure there have been more than a few people out there fantasising about what it would be like to be participating.

Well I am here to let you know the easy way to get yourself there.

Why spend years sweating, gasping for air and with aching muscles you didn’t even know you had in the usually difficult quest to get there. Who wants to put up with exhausting training schedules, special diets and no time for a social life etc…

No there must be an better way and I am here to share the lazy way to achieve if not glory at least a good story you can tell to the grandkiddies.

That’s right I have a simple plan to get you into the games. You’ll get to walk in your countries spiffy uniform colours and hang out with all the hot fellow Olympians. Pick the right Olympics and you can be spending time in an exotic destination too.

So what the secret? Well as far as I can tell it’s to pick a sport that no one else in your country has any interest in, then sign yourself up and head off to go for gold, or not…

If your country seems to be in everything then just pick a country that doesn’t seem very sporty and move on in. if you do it right you could be the only representative of that country and thus you are then assured the honour of carrying your new flag.

Sure barring a convient outbreak of food poisoning in the competitors in of your particular competition you won’t be winning any medals. But then I figure that most athletes there don’t so you will be in good company.

Olympic Athlete will look good on your resume whether you came first or very very last (no need to mention where you placed on it really).

Plus you could even end up having a movie made about you like the Jamaican bobsledders!

Even if you don’t manage to sell the move rights you could become branded a loveable loser and have everyone clapping and cheering for you. This happened to Eric the Eel at the Sydney games.

The guy would have a hard time making it across a bathtub but he got the crowd on his side and probably more media attention than the winners (can you remember who won? I can’t). Whoever won may have a medal but Eric was a darling of the crowd and is still remembered fondly.

I used to think that his place could have gone to more deserving athlete who at least had more than a snowballs chance in hell of winning. But now that is not the Olympic spirit is it. No the spirit is to have as many countries coming together in a celebration of sport or something like that. Lovely ideals which any aspiring Olympian can exploit.

So stop dreaming and start scheming!

Surprise! Kids don’t = happiness

An interesting (well to a childfree wench like me) story was in the news recently. The results of some scientific scrutiny agreed with my viewpoint on the subject so I was nodding my head along as I read it and feeling like a smug barren bitch.

The research showed that while pregnancy did make people happier the pleasure plummeted once the baby arrived.

Makes sense as then reality sets in and you realise you have a spewing, shitting, screaming and sleep depriving sprog that you can’t return.

Hilarious how the survey compared having kids to buying designer socks, coz yeah random! And I love it.

I wonder how many people would return their brats if they could. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money and body back…

It reminded me of the old friend who emailed me about being knocked up and puking constantly. I guess I should come up with a name for her. Maybe Minnie just because I am currently reading a book with a character with this name and I am too lazy to come up with anything better.

Ok so I haven’t heard from Minnie since that email. I imagine she is still having a close personal relationship with her toilet bowl…

In the last email Minnie said that she said that she was looking forward to the year off work as a pooping crying baby wasn’t much of an incentive. Comments like that remind me why I was friends with her in the first place! :)

Back to the news article it also said that money can make you happier but you get to a point where it doesn’t make you any happier. I agree think that my point of financial joy is around $30 million and after that I won’t feel any more joy for more cash. I will have enough to do all the things on my lists (lots of things to be joyful about in my life as not to be like the brilliant quote that when you have one source of joy, it's bound to be your greatest).

So any extra cash after that I could just spend on socks…

Plus I think all this information fits with my idea perfectly.

The one about getting pregnant (and thus happier), then getting the baby bonus and selling the kid on the blackmarket. So then once the baby bliss is gone the money joy is there to take its place. See I knew I was smart!

I speaka de English

So I went to the travel agent to look for some lovely photos of Europe to put up at work. I didn’t manage to find any suitable ones as I got distracted.

Yeah it happens a lot, but it was by a brochure they had on working holidays and volunteering so totally worth it.

It was the only one they had and it has a little on the UK working holiday I want to do.

But it also mentions teaching English as a second language overseas. Now I used to sit in class back when I was an innocent little schoolgirl (shut up I so was!) and think man I am so glad I am not a teacher I don’t wanna do that. But now I think well maybe it wouldn’t be that bad.

Of course there is the fact that when people ask me if I speak any other languages I point out that I have enough trouble with English.

Seriously I think my problem is that I learn too many words from reading them and that doesn’t tell you the correct way to pronounce them so I guess and sometimes I get it wrong. Then people laugh at me and I feel bad. But then again the students probably won’t know enough to know when I am wrong.  I would probably only be teaching the simple words anyway so I don’t need to be a freakin professor of linguistics. Sure I am not a cunning linguist but I will presume that I can handle it. I at least know better than engrish (and hope to spot more) So it’s all good.

I have not made any plans on what to do after Europe and now I am thinking well that’s what I could do after the UK thing. Be cool to add another country to the list of those I have lived in.

Of course I would have to be careful about which country I chose to go to.

I wouldn’t want to end up in a country full of fuckwits like that poor teacher in Sudan.

Ok maybe that was a little harsh but really if Muslims want to stop being known as violent idiots they defiantly have to step up their game plan and stop with the lets kill someone for a stupid reason thing.

Now teddy bears may be a bit naff but to chuck someone in jail because they named it after your god? Good lord it is an understatement to say it’s an overreaction.

I do have to wonder what the teacher did to piss off the person who dobbed her in so much. You would think that a nice person would simply take her aside and explain why it is not done in their culture.

So there must have been some underlying hate there.

Also since the class chose the name shouldn’t they all be killed too?

Ah well I am not surprised that religion and common sense just don’t go together.

Gee I wonder what else they could do

So I read this in the news.

Yes a Japanese government website crashed because so many people tried to take up an offer of a half-price McDonald's hamburger in exchange for pledging to fight global warming.

Um hello? I guess you just can’t underestimate the idiocy of others.

Ok maybe I am being a little harsh. We are fighting the billion dollar marketing machines of evil corporations after all.

Yeah everyone is lying to the general public. Even celebrities in their pustaches. Yes there is pus  in the milk people.

But it just amazes me that other people don’t realise that one of the biggest causes of global warming is meat! 

These people would do far more to save the planet if they stopped eating McDonalds.

Yes it true. It’s the real inconvenient truth for most people.

If only the public realised that going veg will not only be saving the lives of so many animals. it can save your life and the planet too.