From Istanbul I flew to Amsterdam where I met up with Chuck for some sightseeing and a suck session. Indeed I travelled to The Netherlands mostly to get to his neither regions.
Yes Paris, London and Amsterdam we are quite international.
He paid for a five star hotel room, quite a way to end a backpacking trip (lavish luxury baby) and made me contribute by giving him the amount I would have paid for a hostel bed.
It was an airport hotel and had a free shuttle between the hotel and the airport (it wasn’t that close).
We took a train into the city. Onboard I was chatting to a woman sitting near us and telling her about my travels, she asked what my favourite place had been etc.
After we got off Chuck was all why did you talk to her? It doesn’t matter what random strangers say!
Alas he will never win Miss Congeniality.
We went to the red light district is something else! I don’t know how those women can just stand in the windows like that! Apparently they have the red lights as it is the most flattering and most also have UV lights so their bikini’s glow.
Chuck insisted that we go to a sex show and that was quite an experience. For those who have never had the pleasure, this is how it goes down:
-When we walked in there was a girl onstage smoking a cigar in a very unconventional manner.
-There was a circular stage that popped up and rotated around. There was a couple on it having sex. It was quite coordinated how they change positions to the music cues.
-Then a girl came on, stripped and had two glass dildos (One for each hole, as she demonstrated).
-The stage popped up with another couple, the guy impressively managed to go from soft to stiff in one rotation.
-Then a girl came on, stripped and pulled out large beads to the popping sound on the music track.
-Lastly was a lesbian show that spun slowly around in sapphic satisfaction.
After this Chuck wanted to drink at a pub and exclaim loudly ‘how about that lesbian show’ repeatedly.
We found a pub with beer so ice cold that the dispenser was frozen. Chuck liked this.
We could see a whore in the window across the canal and we named her ass girl as she would stand in the window in the same position shaking her ASSets. Every so often the curtains would close as she got a customer.
We unfortunately missed the last shuttle between the airport and the hotel (they stopped running around 11pm) and we had to get a taxi back.
The next day we did a little tour of the Jordaan district starting from Dam Square. I recommend that everyone visit Amsterdam! It is so fucking fabulous everyone has to totally love it! The whole city is just amazingly beautiful.
The canals are gorgeous with boats and flowers and everything. It was a beautiful sunny day so there were lots of tall blonde Dutch people sunning themselves by the canals and riding bikes across the picturesque bridges and along paths beside the pretty old houses including a really skinny one.
We saw Anne Frank House but didn’t go in. I haven’t read the book yet so I want to return after I have read her diary (the dirty version of course). We did see a church that I was informed is in the book. It is called the Westerkerk which
means western church.
We followed the Rick Steves walk and even went looking for the signs that people put on their letterboxes so say if they want junk mail. A better sign that we found near the train
station was a man with a machine gun added on.
The city has public urinals. This one is an older style so has more privacy and was located right near the
homomonument. I don’t know if that is respectful or not.
We walked to Leidseplein Square, on the way we passed some decorated elephants. Chuck was all they aren’t really authentic Amsterdam and I was like well I like them and I am gonna take a photo.
We returned to the red light district and Chuck resumed drinking at the same pub.
So he was pretty drunk by the time we went back to the airport and the shuttle had stopped running for the night.
I had reminded him of the time but we had been having an awesome time with a mother/daughter Dutch pair. It was pretty funny Chuck said something about sex isn’t supposed to hurt and the mother goes well sometimes it is… while her daughter just stared at her.
So anyway yet again missed the shuttle and we had a fight
When we got to the airport as Chuck was being a drunken jerk. So I was annoyed and made annoyed noises and Chuck chucked a tanty. He was like everyone here can hear you and if you are gonna be like that you can get your own taxi. I was like ‘well I can walk!’
He was just being an ass and I wasn’t putting up with it or apologising!
Chuck had actually been annoying me all day.
In the morning at the airport I had gone to buy the train tickets while he went to buy himself a drink. When he returned he didn’t believe we had the right tickets and went back to the window. I hadn’t fucked up. He had been trying to use his ticket from yesterday.
I got some falafel for lunch and suggested he might want to look around for something he wanted to eat. Instead he got a shwarma wrap at the same place and blamed me when he didn’t like it. I refused to take any responsibility for it!
He then bought some fries in a cone with mayonnaise as the Dutch like them (note the logo could use the urinal!). He then bitched that he never ate that shit (yeah right!) as he is the one that thinks Atkins is awesome.
While walking around the city taking photos Chuck was being an very critical about my photography skills and even bitched when I asked him to take my photo, Calling me a tourist (um yeah and you are too buddy).
It made me sad that he is not a fun travelling companion who would have been willing to take amusing photos like silly poses with the giant clogs probably put there for just such a purpose.
So anyway Chuck left me there, abandoned alone at Schiphol Airport. I started walking and quickly realised that it was a pretty stupid idea (long way, dark, no footpath and I didn’t know the correct route).
I went back to the airport and sat outside in a sulk.
An airport worker came to talk to me and just like the review in the budget traveller guide to sleeping in airports claimed. The staff really are less about not letting you sleep there and more about wanting to sleep with you!
I declined and my new plan since I didn’t want to spent twenty Euros on a taxi was to hang out in the terminal until the shuttle started again at 6am.
I saw a jet engine inside the terminal and it actually looked pretty cosy so I decided to try and take a nap in it.
So I climbed in and ended up having a little sleep in the engine nacelle of a DC10. Yes tucked up next to the turbofan.
Another traveller walking past took a photo of me as I lay in there. It wasn’t as comfortable as this looks. But it is officially the strangest place I have ever slept (keep reading for the close second).
When I got back to the hotel at 6.15am I got into bed fully dressed and really hoping that I smelt bad just to annoy Chuck who was still in bed all snug and smugly warm.
The conversation went like this:
Chuck started it by asking if I had been at the airport.
‘What do you care’?
‘I asked didn’t I?’
So I said ‘yes’.
He asked why I was there
So I just said that I liked airports!
A bit later he asked if I was ok now
I replied that I wasn't dead on the side of the road.
Later I reached over to touch him (why deny myself just coz he is an ass?!) and he thought that I was gonna hurt him!
When we were up I asked if he had been worried about me and he wouldn't answer, so I asked if he hated me and he was like its irrelevant, that I was crazy and he wasn’t gonna play into it by telling me his feelings!
He is so infuriating sometimes.
I know that I should just be grateful he lets me play with him. I have such few opportunities I need to take what I can.
But I admit that it did annoy me that he absolutely refuses to return the favor.
He saw a photo of my friend Rosie and said that he wanted to do it to her for a long time. I know he probably just wanted to screw with me and I should ignore it but it really annoyed me.
He doesn’t even know Rosie but he is willing to do things for her he won’t do for me?
It makes me feel that don’t deserve it because I am not pretty like Rosie and it does seem rather callous of him to remind me of my situation in such a way.
Chuck left as planned and I spent a night at a hostel in the red light district.
Yes back in the red light district, a seedy place for sordid, sleazy and scandalous shenanigans.
I went to the sex museum, smoked a joint and slept in a porn video booth at the back of a sex shop (seriously!).
I also made €50.
I should probably explain that one.
No services were provided!
I was chatting to a guy on the street, no wait does that sound bad? A gentleman invited me to accompany his male companion to an exotic show of an adult nature (the one I had in fact already seen and described above) in exchange for the fifty Euros.
I was asking exactly what I would have to do and pointing out the slim profit margin if I had to pay to get into the show (hey even if I wasn’t gonna do it I can still argue about it). He was saying that he would pay for me to get into the show as well when his friend wanted to keep moving. So he goes here you can just keep this and handed me the money and walked off!
I flew back to London on an early morning Easyjet flight and feeling a little sad that my trip was ending.
But I met someone sadder.
Schiphol Airport had a nice panorama terrace to view the planes. I met a guy who was spending all day up there and he was all I’m not a spotter I’m a photographer. He takes a photo of a plane and then quickly writes down the registration. Yes I can see the big difference…
I know I should just be grateful that I can play with her. I have so few opportunities that I do what I can.
Posted by: roman blinds | Wednesday, 09 February 2011 at 04:30 PM