Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

A Paris rendezvous

So Chucks nagging eventually got to me and I ordered the book he recommend (Rick Steve’s London). When I sent Chuck an email telling him about my adventures in London and how I had given in to his pestering and bought the book he sent me a very surprising email.

Good! If u order the France book, I'll pay u for it IF u are motivated to come to Paris next week, I will be there and I speak French and will visit about 2-3 days, I will be there anyway so u can crash at my hotel for free if u want. Prob have to take train.

I was shocked! It’s so amazing, impulsive and exciting, Paris! Just the sound of it is thrilling!

So yeah it didn’t take me long to decide to go, when else would a girl like me get the chance to meet a man in Paris? Who would have ever thought an incel like me would be doing this? So the international booty call was on!

It was only four days after receiving the email that I was on a Eurostar train en route for a root in Paris France.

I arrived in the early afternoon at the gare du nord (north train station) and from there I caught the metro. I didn’t think it was as easy at the London tube as you have to find out the name of the place at the end of the line and then follow the signs for that. I had to change trains too. And hey it was all in French a language I don’t speak. But I made it easily to my stop École Militaire.

I had printed out a map but didn’t come out of the metro station exactly where I expected to. But I easily found Rue Cler (a pretty little market stall lined street), and it was just a short stroll along it to the hotel.

Chuck was already there and sitting in the reception area as our room wasn’t yet ready. So we sat and chatted and he showed me his laptop (not that impressive).

Then we went up in the smallest elevator ever (so teeny tiny we had to squeeze in) to our room. The room was small but adorably cute as it was decorated in a charming country theme and I could see the Eiffel Tower out the window, it was just like in the movies!

Once inside the room Chuck told me the first rule of Paris, pee before you leave the hotel room. So I did and we set off on the quick little walk through quaint Parisian streets to the Eiffel Tower. It was cold and the visibility wasn’t good so we didn’t go up the tower, we just walked along the Champ de Mars and under the tower.

We then went back to the hotel. Oh yeah this would be the juicy scandalous stuff you have all been waiting for!

I was uncertain about how much I should share here but has the Big Banana pointed out this blog isn’t censored so why not just stick to being my usual oversharing self. So this was when I saw my first dick in ten years. I must admit I was rather nervous. But I sucked it up and sucked him off.

But I touched, I tasted, I liked.

He came, I swallowed, and I conquered.

I reconsidered my opinion of the laptop when Chuck and I were able to watch TV on it. Chuck has a DVR set up in one country and can watch TV shows anywhere he is in the world by accessing it through the internet. We watched Jon Stewart, The Colbert Report and American Idol.

Day 2 after breakfast (new knowledge of the day: tear bits off the baguette don’t just bite it) we caught the #69 bus (yes that is really its number!). I did wonder why a guy was pointed at me on the bus. But just went and sat at the back watching Paris go by. It wasn’t until the bus ride back that I found out that I was supposed to put my ticket into a machine on the bus. Oops.

We went to Notre Dame first. Chuck had downloaded an audio tour from the Rick Steve’s website onto his blackberry.  So we tried to follow it around the church. But it wasn’t easy to listen to it that way.

We were following the tour in the Rick Steve’s France book (notice a theme, we a Rick’s bitches now people). We went to the next island and Chuck had a very expensive berhillion ice cream. I swear he moaned more about how good it was than when I was licking him that morning!

We strolled around the Latin Quarter, saw St Michael’s Square and went past St Chapelle but didn’t go in as Chuck had been before and said you need a bright sunny day to really get your money’s worth of seeing the stained glass windows.

At the Louvre, which is freaking huge! I saw the Venus de Milo and the Mona Lisa. Plus lots of other art too. Amazing the fabulous things I have seen since I started travelling!

We then returned to the hotel where despite the fact that Chuck didn’t want to see my bits I blew him again. I know that it is not a coincidence that after seeing me without clothes, Chucky didn’t want to play.

Of course he was nice enough not to put it that way and just said that he had changed his mind about having sex with me because he wanted to be a nice guy. He thinks it would fuck me up in the head (like I’m not already) and would result in a dramarama of fiasco.

I don’t really disagree, as I have said that if I ever had sex again then I wanted it to be with someone special. So I feel like I am still sticking with that stupid little dream. Yes I can still be classed as an incel but hey why would I want to give up that oh so glamorous lifestyle?!

People have disagreed that I should go down on Chuck when he won’t return the favour, but it’s not like anyone is willing to do that with me and I like sucking him off. So it seems stupid to not do something I find to be fun just because of what others think.

I will admit that I do wonder if I just like doing it so much as it is like when you are starving any food will taste great and ten years is quite a fucking famine.

And I know that nothing will happen with Chuck, hell he is quite shallow and I am quite unattractive for a start. But it doesn’t matter as he is just a practise penis so that in the unlikely event of a proper performance being required I will be ready with the skills necessary.

Anyway back to recapping Day 2 and after dinner in a nice restaurant we went for a walk to see the Eiffel Tower at night. It is an awesome sight and I didn’t know that it sparkles on the hour. So it surprised me as I was walking away from it and turned back around to look at it again saw it flashing and was like hey that’s not how it looked a moment ago.

Day 3 we walked to the Champs Elysee. Strolled past the expensive shops and saw the Arc de Triomphe. We then caught the metro and briefly visited the Jardin de Tuileries. From there we walked past the Place Vendome with the Ritz hotel and the opera house to a place that shows the movie A Paris Story.

While I learnt much about the history of Paris, I was falling asleep during the movie which I blame on Chuck. He kept snoring the night before, I would nudge him when he did and in the morning he was like well you could have let me sleep so at least one of us got some rest. Oh he thinks he is so funny!

He can be annoying, I call him Chuck as in I have an ego bigger than Chuck Yeager because seriously he thinks he is always right and knows everything. He is tells me he is awesome and if he tells me about how awesome Atkins is one more time I’m going to chuck. Because yes Chuck thinks my veganism is silly but his idea of a good way of eating is Atkins! Now I know that he is allergic to some raw fruit so I can see how the idea that plants are out to get him could develop. But seriously he has such fucked up ideas about what constitutes a healthy dietary plan.

He was nice enough to order my food for me in French (I ate a lot of salads). But I am sure that he was saying to the waiter yeah she’s a total freak…

Anyway after the film we went back to the hotel to say au revoir. Chuck had a plane to catch but I had some time before my train so I went back to the Eiffel Tower and finally went up it.

I went to the top level first. Wow the lift seems to take ages to get there, up and up and up. I looked out over Paris and then went down to the lower level for a look from there. It was cool and very cold!

When I was finished I walked along the Champ de Mars towards École Militaire and retraced my metro journey back to the gare du nord to catch my eurostar train back to London.

As we said goodbye Chuck had said that I should hate him. But I don’t. Really if I think about it the only emotion I can muster is sadness. Sad because I have had a taste of it and don’t know when I will again. What I mean is that it was nice to have someone to see a new place with and even better to share a bed with a man. To have but a brief glimpse of some of what normal people get to experience.

Even thought it wasn’t all lovey dovey it was nice to spend time with him. It’s the nearest I’ll ever get to being with a man anyway. This is a pretty bloody depressing thought I know. But I will console myself with the thought of how many people get to do it in Paris? People dream of that and I have been so at least that’s something.

And that’s my blow by blow account (Ha! See what I did there?) of Paris. And yeah I know way too much info here but that’s the way I blog now people.

 

More London Adventures

So the guy I met, who needs a name fuck it I’m calling him Chuck.

Anyway Chuck is a guidebook bitch, totally obsessed. I usually don’t even bother with a book but he has a favourite and he wanted me to buy it. I tried to ignore him and he continued nagging me to see more of London He and yeah he has a point. So I borrowed Giselle’s timeout London guide and hit the town.

First up I went to Covent Garden and walked to Leicester Square at night. The timeout book told me the V&A was open late that night but it was wrong. So much for guidebooks. Bad guidebook bad!

I returned to Leicester Square/Covent Garden the next day. There was a travel bookstore between them where Chuck would cream his pants!

I wandered around Covent Garden looking at the stuff that was now open.

The London Transport Museum cost £10 and I wasn't sure it would be interesting enough to be worth it for me so I just looked around the gift shop which was fun. They had kids clothes with the angel tube sign and a stuffed dog with barking. A rubber duck that had a tube design and said Mind the Quack. There was even underground Ernie which seems like they are going for a Thomas the Tank/Postman Pat kind of thing. They even had tube sign ice cube trays! So much amusement but I didn't buy anything.

I left and caught the tube to south Kensington and went to the science museum. It was pretty cool. My favourite area was the flight section with a 747 cross section. When I was tired of walking around the museum I picked up some snacks at whole foods then I was off to the theatre.

I had gotten a cheap ticket from Leicester square. The show was the brilliant musical Avenue Q. its fantastic, what’s not to love about puppets singing that the internet is for porn!

 

The next day I went with a group of people from the hostel to The Natural History Museum. It’s huge and I only saw one section before everyone was all museumed out. The group split up then and I went to Harrods. I didn’t find the Diana shrine but I looked at expensive stuff (the food halls are cool) before going home empty handed. Perhaps I would have been more inclined to spend blindly if they still sold elephants…

 

Next up was Greenwich, I caught the DLR to Cutty Sark Station. I couldn’t see the actual Cutty Sark as it is being restored after a fire but I walked around the area and up to The Royal Observatory. Checked out the museum and in a great personal moment I stood on The Prime Meridian. I was one with the time! One day I hope to stand on the other side of the line which is the International Date Line, I hear there is a good spot in Fiji.

I went back down the hill to The National Maritime Museum. I really liked the display they had on cruise ships that included models of some ships. Cruising is still on my to do list despite my being prone to sea sickness.

 

The last museum in this list is The National Portrait Gallery. I actually only looked at the portraits on the lower floor that is dedicated to contemporary people. I couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to see the older ones and after the contemporary’s I realised that I just wasn’t enjoying myself anymore and went home.

Where have all the internet psycho killers gone?

I survived meeting a man from the internet.

Yes after chatting to him online for about eight years we finally met as for the first time both of us happened to be in the same city at the same time.

We met one cold winter morning at The British Museum in London.

A good place to meet as it has security cameras. Not that he tried to kill me at all. He actually seemed quite normal. Even more ordinary than I expected.

It is funny how I had like an image of what I thought he would be like in real life in my head and then trying to match that with what he was like when I met him. Of course when I tried to put this into words, I was unable to eloquently express my thoughts and it just came out as “um you’re not as tall as I expected”.

He had told me that his best feature was his amazingly gorgeous eyes. So I was like show me your eyes. He did fluttering his eyelashes at me prettily but it wasn’t enough to sway my opinion and I simply stated that they weren’t as bright as I expected them to be.

We looked around the museum. I must admit I was more oh that’s nice when we saw the Rosetta Stone until he got all excited explaining about how it was used to translate the hieroglyphics and then I got how very cool it actually is.

He was tired so we sat down to rest and since I obviously didn’t want him to think I was too normal I pulled out my devil duckie and made him hold it while I took a photo. He was a nice guy and played along with my evil rubber duck whims.

When we got bored with the museum we wandered the streets of London until I resorted to Plan B and took him on the tube to the new Westfield mall. I figured it was warm and dry at least. The sad thing is that I realised later that I had him in a freaking mall, in a weakened jetlagged condition and I did not take advantage of it to overpower him and seize control of his credit card. I could have gotten me the new computer that I needed. Oh hello pretty ones! Be my dear little laptop, small, speedy and possibly pink.

We didn’t spend long in the mall as He decided that he was done pretty quick and wanted to go back to his hotel to rest. As he had said his eyeballs felt like they were going to explode and he couldn’t see straight, I kindly offered to see him safely back to his hotel (plus truthfully I was enjoying his company and didn’t want the get-together to end). But he said he was fine and so we said goodbye at the tube station where he proclaimed it to have been a slice. This confused me having never heard such an expression before, when I did not comprehend this he explained it was a slice of pie. I think that is a good thing.

So later we emailed about my quest for a new computer.

He emailed me with his opinion on netbooks vs. notebooks:

You should not buy a cheapo web only laptop, just get a basic Dell or whatever.

 

So I asked the important question:

Hey baby

Ok so let’s talk size

How many magnificent inches do you have

For the screen of your laptop?

Still trying to decide what I want....

 

Mine is quite large....17 inches. But you don't need that many inches to be happy.

It must be a pain to carry that around with you

 

A normal 5-6 inches does so, don't you think 17 inches is way too much? Though the trick just fine, and lets you get good and close, you'd probably prefer the visual aspect of a 10-13 inches.

I am at the dell site. They have 13 and 15 inches

How important is 2 inches?

 

If it's the only 2 inches you get, it matters a lot.......but as long as you've got the first 4-5 inches, the rest is either a bonus or just too much, you can really only use so much and after that it will strain you too much, despite all the hype.......hence the overwhelming satisfaction with the basic/normal size units vs. the special cases they show you in the media.....but you'll notice nobody is interested in the smaller ones, just not enough for most users.

Actually netbooks are the fastest growing market segment in computers

So it seems that the smaller ones are enough for most users

 

Yes, get a basic Dell with a 10-12 incher, that will satisfy you for sure. Don't need anything fancy, but make sure you get at least 100GB hard drive and at least 3-5GB RAM. But be careful not to get too much RAM with a 12 incher.

 

 

They are VERY limited in capability and speed and memory, but super mobile. Up to you, everyone has their own needs and preferences, but you know you are designed to adjust to whatever size you choose and after the first few seconds, you can probably not even tell how big it is anyways, so get whatever you like, the choice is yours and as long as you don't go too small, you'll be just fine! Remember, 1/2 of them are BELOW average, too.

Too bad I can't show you mine, maybe it would help you compare and choose the right size?

 

Why didn't you offer to take me back to your hotel and show me when you had the chance?

I didn't know you were so interested in seeing my inches

I offered to go back to your hotel with you!

You should have realised that it wasn't just because you were so jetlagged I thought you might collapse on the way. But also a ploy to get into your room to see what laptop you have

 

Ah, yes, I remember that now, but at the time my slow and tired brain did not read between the lines. Of course, had you been more clear, I bet I would have gladly let you explore the device as much as your curiosity wished to. I'm here to help!

13 inches should be fine with you. Geez, that's almost 3 times more inches than mine, I think!

I though you said you had 17 inches

Typical man always stretching the truth

 

Well, I'm not sure how many inches mine is cause it's a wide one, like HDTV shape.

 

Well, well, aren't you in a funky inches mood today, too, where did this come from? Oh, yeah, it was even before I came to LON, as you attempted to get the invite back to the hotel that's right....Oh, you must have been so disappointed! Sorry!

Are we rewriting history now?

I was merely concerned for your safety when you told me you couldn't see out of your pretty little weak eyes

 

Well as I have previously blogged, I ended up getting a blue Dell Inspiron 13 and as for seeing his inches. Well that’s a story for another post…