Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

Miss Saigon? I hardly left

A couple of cheap tours took me to see sights beyond Ho Chi Minh City.

My first trip from Saigon was a half day excursion to The Cu Chi Tunnels.

 

First stop on these kinds of tours is always to a handicapped handicrafts place.

The art mostly seemed to be made of inlaid eggshells lacquers, not so appealing to vegans. But I did like that one of the artworks was of an ANA airliner. The Lockheed L1011 Tri-Star is rather an old aircraft, is this an indication of how long this painstaking work takes?

 

The tunnels were used during the war by Viet Cong guerrillas for hiding and living.

At the site we watched a video and then the guide showed us around.

The secret tunnel entrances were tiny. But then I guess the Viet Cong tended to be small people.

 

The self made weapons gallery had a fascinating display of booby traps. They were varied in design but all were constructed to create pain and suffering on the cheap.

They had names such as folding chair trap, clipping armpit trap and see saw trap.

 

There were guns you could pay to shoot.

I assume that the targets didn’t look like American soldiers but I did not partake in the practise to find out definitively.

A woman showed how rice paper is made. I think she probably made it look much easier than it actually is.

 

Inside the actual tunnels was very dark and cramped. Not a place for claustrophobics.

I ended up in the lead of a small group and unable to see the people ahead of me. I didn’t know where I was going and everyone behind me seemed to think that I should.

Perhaps because I had pulled out my headlamp and put it on?

They said we should keep going straight but then when I did, they took a side exit and I had to back up my ass up to follow them out.

 

 

Trip two was to the Mekong Delta.

The Swedish girls had done the 3 day trip and said that the last day you didn’t see anything very interesting and then it was a long drive back to HCMC. So I took their advice and booked the 2 day trip.

 

Most people on my bus that morning were doing the 1 day trip.

After the requisite lacquer shop stop we took a boat to various stops.

We had honey tea. Or other people did and I was the weird vegan who didn’t want to drink bee puke.

They also had snake wine. I don’t know how having a corpse in it is supposed to improve it in any way.

 

Next up was a fruit tasting which good. I would have preferred it if they had durian so I could impress everyone by being the freak who likes the world’s smelliest fruit.

But they didn’t have any durian so I was just at my usual freakiness level.

 

We visited a factory that made coconut candy. It is wrapped in rice paper that dissolves in your mouth. I got some durian flavoured candy.

Freakiness level thus slightly elevated.

 

We all wore traditional conical hats during a boat ride in the little Vietnamese boats along a canal.  I just put the Vietnamese hat on top of the hat I was already wearing which I guess is a little on the freak side.

 

 

On the way to the hotel in the biggest city in the Mekong Delta the guide had told me that I had to pay extra as I would have to stay in a room alone.

I was like what if I find someone to share with?

So he gave me his business card. I gave him the extra $5 he requested.

We get to the hotel, wade on in (the streets were flooded) and sure enough I find an American girl who is also travelling alone and we agree to share a room.

So I borrowed the phone of the guide at the hotel and call the guy about getting a refund.

I don’t know why he gave me his card if he didn’t mean it but he tried to argue that there were no refunds!

I got the other guide to speak to him and he did then repeated the message that there were no refunds.

I simply borrowed the phone again and called the guide once more.

It took a total of three separate calls but he eventually admitted defeat and I got my cash back.

 

The American girl and I went to the restaurant closest to the hotel since we didn’t want to swim.

The Quan 31 menu was very interesting.

It had a chicken section but then a separate section named Bird. This does make you wonder what type of bird it would be...

 Frog also featured but far more disturbing was the fact that the menu also included both snake and rat.

There was a snake cage lined up against one wall in the dining area. I guess the rats were just caught as they ran thru the kitchen...

We went with the much safer and saner choice of tofu and veggies with rice.

 

The next morning we boarded a boat and went to the floating market.

Along the way we passed a petrol station boat. The kind of thing I guess makes sense but I had never considered the need for it to exist before.

At the market most of the boats there were bigger than I expected. These would display their wares on a pole.

Smaller boats pulled alongside us to sell cold drinks and coffee.

Our boat stopped alongside a larger one so we could climb aboard and buy fresh pineapple.

 

We went to a rice paper place that had lots of animals. Rabbits, pigs and puppies.

I was impressed by an iPhone shaped rear-view mirror on a motorcycle.

Yes it is the small things that impress the freakish minded.

 

Our tour took us on a long walk along a muddy track thru a tropical fruit farm. I didn’t like slipping around and perhaps I am too much of a prissy princess but I thought that if they were regularly bringing tourists thru then they should do something about the path.

 

The trip back to Saigon was on the back seat of a bus that lacked something in the suspension department. Like any at all.

Every bump would send us flying up into the air.

We did stop for lunch and for what the guides called the happy room and everyone else knows as the toilet.

But then we continued bouncing our way back to Saigon.

Good morning Vietnam!

My first stop in the vibrant country of Vietnam was the capital Ho Chi Minh City which was formerly known as Saigon and the central area is still commonly called that.

On arrival I went to look at a hostel that the girl who’d sat next to me on the bus had booked into. But it was pretty spendy and up five flights of stairs.

 

So I kept looking and while doing so a local guy on the street really pissed me off.

He kept trying to get me to go with him to a hotel he obviously got commission from. When I saw some people from my bus and went to go over to them he actually stopped me from talking to them! He really got me mad and I just turned around and yelled in his face that he should fuck off.

Not one of my best tourist moments but it was effective and felt great.

 

The hostel I ended up in was a great place that was half the price and half the number of stairs as the previous place.

Had a nap and when I woke for a moment I had no idea where I was!

 

My foremost mission was to change money. I went with a Swedish girl (She I shall name Janet) from my dorm that I ended up hanging out with a lot. The transaction was carried out at a jewellery store with a good rate and when I swapped my dollars to dong (funniest currency name ever) I instantly became a multi millionaire!

 

With such riches to spend I considered buying a pack raincover but they didn’t seem to fit. The litres of Vietnamese bags are somehow much smaller than the rest of the world.

The place is overrun with fake products of brands like The North Face and Crumpler.

 

I did buy a donut shaped cord winder at one of those shops full of cute little things. Well worth it as I was sick of having to untangle my headphones every time I used them.

At Ben Thanh Market I bought a couple of bead bracelets.

One was jade and the other sandstone.

Later another bracelet seller on the street told me that my new beads were plastic.

So I proceeded to pout and say that made me sad.

She got mad and called me a baby which I thought was hilarious.

 

The War Remnants Museum used to have the most excellent name of "The House for Displaying War Crimes of American Imperialism and the Puppet Government (of South Vietnam)." Later it was known by the lesser moniker of The Museum of American War Crimes then the War Crimes Museum.

I impressed Janet by being able to recognise a couple of the aircraft outside, a Chinook and a Cessna.

Inside I didn’t expect the many photos displayed to be so horrifically graphic.

 

The most fascinating exhibit to me was the pickled babies.

They had a set of conjoined twins I referred to as the two headed baby.

But I did think that there are lots of cases of conjoined twins in the world and they aren’t all due to the exposure to Agent Orange. So how did we know that it caused this set?

 

It became a running joke with Janet as she was known to have unprotected sex with random men. So I told her that she was going to have a two headed baby. I really wasn’t impressed with her behaviour. Dammit Janet! She was young and dumb and full of strangers cum. I even pointed out how strange it was that she took anti malarials but malaria was less likely to be fatal than AIDS.

 

 

Janet had made friends with a couple of other Swedish girls so I hung out with this blonde brigade.

We went to a temple that they liked the look of in their guidebook.

The taxi meter was rigged. And came to 200000 dong. We should have argued but just split the cost 4 ways and it wasn’t that bad.

Sometimes you have to realise that an extra dollar isn’t the end of the world I guess.

 

Another trick of the taxi drivers is to not have change. I did consider later the option of teaching them a lesson by getting and making a big slow effort of finding somewhere to change money for me...

 

In the end The Jade Emperor Pagoda wasn’t that interesting after visiting so many temples on my trip.  But outside it had tons of terrific turtles.

 

 

When Janet and I set about finding the Reunification Palace we managed to walk right around the block before finding the entrance. Seriously if we had just walked straight we would have found it in seconds.

The government building is a blast from the past. The decor is just as it was years ago when it was invaded.

 

The city was full of great little Vietnamese moments.

Such as having to sit on the footpath, our big western butts squeezed onto tiny plastic seats when we bought a drink.

Or when crossing thru the park how we became an attraction to the many students who wanted to practise their English.

 

The major experience and test of travel in Vietnam is being able to cross the road.

The number of motorbikes is astounding and at first you think that being able to get to the other side intact is impossible.

But the trick is to just confidently walk out and the traffic goes around you.

So you eventually you realise that it is actually the easiest place in the world to cross the road.

The Phnom Penh psychopath test

I arrived in the Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh at 6am after defying death on a night bus.

The safety record of the buses is apparently not that great and while they have beds they are not long enough to lie down in comfortably. The aircon as is common on Asian transport was set to subzero but blankets were provided.

 

I got a tuk tuk to 88 backpackers hostel. It was really nice, they even had a swimming pool!

Best of all they let me check in at that early hour and I was able to get some more sleep.

In my dorm room there was a Belgian couple sharing a bed since the bunk beds were double wide.

I invited myself along on a trip with them as the problem with travelling solo is paying for things like tuk tuks alone. It is much better when you have someone to split the costs with.

 

The Belgians were happy to have me along and first we went to Tuol Sleng.

This is the genocide museum. It was formerly a high school. Then in the 70s the Khmer Rouge used it as a prison to torture people. The classrooms became cells and you could see them containing just a bed and a bucket with photos of the results on the wall.

Another building has rows and rows of photos of people who were imprisoned there. It’s all very horrific as most people died there. Only seven people survived and one of them was selling a book he had written.

There is a sign that bans being happy but it is really not necessary as the whole place is a complete downer.

 

We left the museum to travel the dusty road to The Killing Fields of Choeung Ek. They are actually in a field. You walk over grass around the mass graves. There is a sign to not walk over the mass graves but you feel like you are walking on them anyway. The whole area is just has so many bodies.

The rain causes things to come up out of the ground and you will see fragments around you. Teeth, bones and clothes. We met a girl who was crying because she had seen an arm bone with clothing on it.

Our guide pointed out things like the tree where babies had their heads smashed in. The theory was that if you kill the whole family then there is no one growing up and plotting revenge.

 

After visiting these two sites your tuk tuk driver will then enquire if you would like to go to the shooting range.

Yes after seeing the most depressing things ever and wanting to just curl up and cry about how cruel and corrupt humanity can be they ask if you want to go and shoot the shit out of some stuff.

It is like it is a test to see if you are a psychopath.

I’ve heard rumours that if you pay enough you can shoot whatever you want including animals.

We did not go there.

 

 

Alone the next day I was walking to The Royal Palace and Silver Pagoda, when a tuk tuk driver told me that it was closed and offered to take me to the Russian market instead.

I’d heard about this scam but it was the first time someone had tried it on me.

Still I was amazed someone would lie so blatantly to my face.

I mean what if this was the only chance I had to go there and here he was trying to take the opportunity away from me!

I said I knew it opened in the afternoon and he insisted that it was a holiday today.

I didn’t believe him, walked to the official gate and sure enough it opened at 2pm.

 

I didn’t see much at the Royal Palace but the Silver Pagoda was the main attraction for me. It features treasures like life sized, gold and emerald Buddhas, topiary trees and a model of Angkor Wat.

After the pagoda I walked to a vegetarian place and was impressed that it had swings as seats. I thought was very nifty.

I got food to go and hired a tuk tuk to return me to the hostel. The driver kept getting lost and I had to pull out my map for him. The streets are numbered in Phnom Penh and 88 backpackers is unsurprisingly on street number 88.

At 86 street I was pretty close to being all “I’ll drive” since I knew we were one street over and the driver didn’t seem to realise this.

But at least he didn’t try to lie to me.

Submerging myself in Siem Reap

I caught the boat from Battambang to Siem Reap and we had to go out of town to get on the boat. Usually the problem is not enough water, ours was too much.

The boat was smaller than I expected and the trip was long but a nice way to see the floating villages along the way.

We sat in two lines inside the boat under a canopy, locals at the back and tourists at the front. I guess the locals knew what to expect as the water would splash me and the trees would swipe in at us.

 

We stopped once where we could buy food and use the loo. Peeking into a container we saw creatures I think were little baby crocodiles. Watch your fingers!

The locals would often get off the boat by having a small craft come up beside the boat and then paddle off after the transfer. After travelling the river for a few hours we crossed a large lake and then arrived at the dock.

 

Arriving the boat stopped and the annoying tuk tuk drivers jumped on. I was informed that I had to remember that this driver had seen me first. Apparently since he had talked to me first I was obligated to go with him. Screw that I do not reward being harassed!

A group of us joined forces to organise getting into town. Hired a couple of tuk tuks for the six of us. The drivers wanted more because the roads were flooded.

Turns out the roads were so flooded that the guys had to walk the deepest parts. Lucky me got to stay in the tuk tuk.

 

In Siem Reap we were dropped off outside the flooded old market area.

I was stubborn and refused to pay a dollar for another tuk tuk, instead I pulled off my sneakers, zipped off my pant legs and waded into the thigh high water.

The river had overflowed its banks and many locals were out playing in it.

I stayed at a hostel and I ended up being the only guest one night.

 

I had been planning to spend some time exploring Angkor Wat. There are one day, three day and seven day passes and they are expensive. I’d originally thought I would get a three day pass and do an in depth investigation of the archaeological area.

 But everyone I talked to said just do one day and then you will be all templed out. So I followed their advice and it was spot on.

 

I rented a tuk tuk for the day and the driver took me to the main sites. I saw five temples and in order they were:

 

1. Angkor Wat is the most famous temple (hey the whole area is known by this name). The one from all the photos. I climbed up some scarily steep stairs to the upper level. Going back down I had one had on the handrail and another on the step behind me. Then watched as another tourist practically skipped her way down.

       2. The next (I don’t recall the name) had a path of planks to crossing the water to enter and lion statutes guarded the front of the ruins. Beside them was a small green lake.

      3. Vines and trees grew on Ta Prohm a temple most famous for starring in Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie. The combination of old stone and wood is very photogenic. It is like you are discovering the temples are they were found with the jungle claiming them.

        4. Ta Keo had a whole bunch of steps so I called it quits early.

       5. The last site Bayon has all the faces. It wasn’t as clearly signposted and I got lost finding my way to the top. Found my way by following some monks.  After a few photos I was done with the temples.

 

It really is a wonder of the world and if you were wondering the archaeological park actually had decent toilets (but when paying us$20 per day they should be). 

The touts were very persistent, especially the children who swarmed me selling books, jewellery and other trinkets. They would follow me like I was the pied piper, so watch out for that but it really was a great day out.

 

On the way back we stopped at the killing fields, I thought it would be an actual field but it was the courtyard of a temple with a display of very neatly stacked skeletons in a glass sided case.

 

 

Back in Siem Reap the main area had a vegetarian restaurant that was quite gourmet. Its name was Chamkar and its prices were high for Cambodia.  I treated myself and it was pretty good.

In the same area of the city the fish pedicure place had a sign advising that they had no piranhas which was surely a relief considering that if got loose the flood ravaged town was their oyster.

 

I waded out to a vegetarian place named Vitking House. It was quite far out or seemed so when I had to negotiate the flood waters. The place was in a nice setting and inside it had a cute little picket fenced planter box.

I gorged myself on tofu and mock fish.

On the way back some asshole thought it was funny to kick water at me as I walked past. I think he was an Aussie asshat. The bogan type. Who let the dickheads out?

 

I had gotten used to water water everywhere but as I was preparing to leave the town, the water finally receded.

Phuket lost again!

Phuket’s famous beach area is patong. But I wasn’t really interested in a seedy spot so I’d paid for both the boat from Koh Phi Phi and then a van ride to the quieter Kata Beach area.

 

I knew about a cheap place from some quick online searching and told the driver the name of the place. But instead he took me to a place that I assume he would get a nice big commission from.

I passed on the expensive room and forgetting the first rule of directions in Thailand: don’t ask a local as they will lie to save face.

I asked the location of the cheap place and was unknowingly sent off in totally the wrong direction.

 

I set off on this hot day with a heavy backpack and sunburnt shoulders. These things do not go well together.

Finding the beach I stopped to admire it. It has all the prerequisites of paradise, the white sand, palm trees and aquamarine waves lapping at the shore.

I ended up walking down the beach where I found a golden dragon on top of a signboard. This was no help at all as it was all don’t ask me talk to the hand pose (and the sign had no helpful info either).

 

So once again I was lost and the hot sun beating down while my sunburnt shoulders rubbed against my heavy backpack straps really didn’t enhance the situation.

I felt better informed after stopping at an internet cafe to check directions. I had originally been it a small beach town how hard can it be to find, famous last words of course.

So then after walking the wrong way (just because I now have directions doesn’t mean I can follow them), then walking the right way all the way back up to the other end of the beach.

I found my hostel and it was right near the hotel the driver first took me to!

Seriously it was on the same street.

 

But I was just happy to have found it as it was a pretty damn cheap place.

I had met a couple staying in a hotel in the same area and they had told me it was only 800 baht per night.

When I ran into them later I could tell them that I had found a place for 165 baht per night.

 

They told me about a night market that was nearby so I hit it up for dinner, freshly cooked corn in two different colours (one yellow one blue), cherry tomatoes, bananas and durian. I went back to the hostel with my feast.

I then met the only other guy staying there and shared some of my bountiful banquet.

He had a larger dorm room and I had the smaller one, a two bed that was actually cheaper (but warmer) than the bigger dorm.

I am sure we were both happy to have our own space as it was a pretty damn sweet arrangement.

 

 

The town didn’t have much of interest to me. I chatted to some local people and I don’t know why but the most common guess for where I was from was Canada. Weird eh!

 

My main goal was finding a post office to send a postcard. This was due to the fact that when I was in the states I’d won a pack pens that included a postcard making kit. Rosie’s young niece Daisy had made me a really sweet postcard and hid it in my pack for me to find later.

So I decided to send her postcards from my travels.

This mission was easy to accomplish.

 

I didn’t end up swimming on the gorgeous beach as it has rip tides.

Thus I just walked along it, which is much more fun without lugging my worldly possessions with me.

There was an interesting pattern in the sand. I wonder if it can be interpreted as an image of the flying spaghetti monster.

Hell if people can see Jesus in a cheese toasted sandwich then I can totally see my spagdeity in the sand!

The beach from The Beach

I travelled to Koh Phi Phi with Norah my new friend from Krabi.  A good plan ma’am as we could split the cost of accommodation which tends to be pricy on this popular slice of paradise.

The islands are Phi Phi Don where the accommodations are and the smaller Phi Phi Leh where the tourists head on day trips.

 

We stayed in a cute little cabin that was out in the far end of the island past the ship shaped sunflower bar with its name written in wood.

Our spot was sunrise and our wooden hut had a one double bed and a net that was doing a very good Swiss cheese impression with more holes than a bad movie plot. Oh and there were lots of mosquitoes.

 

A whole extended family of bloodsuckers that saw me as their savoir from famine.

It seemed that I’d become a mobile feeding station for blood sucking insects. So Itchy!

For me it leads to those big questions on how bad a vegan I’d be if I slapped a mosquito that was biting me? Considering all it started it, I say no to bitey bugs!

Yes being itchy makes me a bit grumpy and possibly murderous.

I went outside to see a snake on a tree, looked down and my leg and 3 mosquitoes were feasting on my exposed flesh!

 

At night the beach is a loud party spot with fireshows and buckets of alcohol being drunk.

The noise carried to our thin walled camp so with that and the mozzies we didn’t feel like sticking around.

We changed to a different guesthouse that had two single beds, proper walls and stopped supporting the nutritional needs of every mozzie on the island.

 

The island has no cars and just paths to walk around. It seems like it would be better but it is not because it means that you share the path with bikes instead of being separate road and footpath. So every time you step out you are at risk of being run over by a clumsy cyclist.

Especially if you are distracted by something funny like this sign for droopy bananas.

 

In an unusual use for a bucket on this island I attempted to use one to make a sandcastle, my building skills were not good. I don’t think I got the right ratio of sand and water and when I tried to tip it out it just when flop. My poor collapsed castle.

Then it started to rain so I gave up. Maybe next time I will try a sand sculpture.

 

 

To see the smaller island we booked a half day trip on a long tail boat.

We went snorkelling which was fun as the water is crystal clear and the fish are tropically bright.

The main stop is to visit Maya Bay aka the beach from The Beach. That movie where Leonardo DiCaprio seeks a secret paradise.

Well word has got out on this place as it was packed with tourists.

The sand and surf was crowded and most sadly of all the water was full of plastic debris. The fact that it is still stunningly gorgeous just makes it all the sadder.

You can walk thru the interior of the island to the other side where the clear water is decorated by a cute blob of island.

 

There was a sign sadly surrounded by bags of rubbish, which pointed to the tsunami evacuation route. It is a poignant reminder that the Boxing Day 2004 tsunami had wiped out the islands.

Walking thru the main town (on Phi Phi Don) it is amazing to consider that it was devastated not so long ago and has been rebuilt.

The last stop was a beach where the local monkeys have become accustomed to tourists feeding them.

I watched as they jumped onto boats to amuse tourists who offered sweet treats. But kept well back myself as those beasts have fangs.

 

Norah and I went to dinner with a couple we met on the boat trip and I ended up in the ladies of a bar letting the wife take photos of my piercings.

Yes the ones below my neck. But I figured heck as they don’t have my face it doesn’t matter when they end up online.

 

The end result of this day was fabulous memories and bright red shoulders as I’d gotten sunburnt.

So I left the island with sunburn and a new sarong.

I bought the sarong as I loved the colours of it. I probably paid more because I didn’t see the one I had to have until I was on the island but I don’t care as I feel happy with my purchase every time I look at how pretty it is.

My sarong is so right.

Then he just jizzed in his pants

I’d first head the song jizz in my pants on a tour bus in Scotland. I had no idea that it would later be so relevant on a beautiful beach in Thailand.

 

I had been loving my stay on Lamai Beach Koh Samui.

On the boat to the island a woman was walking around signing people up to stay in her beach hut accommodation that was called New Hut so I took her up on it as I got a free ride and the place sounded ok.

I got my own sweet little beach hut that was one row back from beachfront but I could still see the sea.

 

 

I’d walked down past the main shopping area to see the grandma and grandpa rocks.

These are two rocks are located in the same area and are shaped like genitals. The grandpa stone dick is called Hin Ta and Hin Yai is the name of granny’s rock pussy.

It is pretty funny how two such explicit formations are located so close to each other.

After giggling at them like a schoolgirl I then walked back to my accommodation along the beach (it was about 2km).

 

For most of my time there I just hung out at New Hut.

I had discovered that just up the beach there was a spa (Spa Samui) that had a restaurant (named radiance) with vegan food on their menu. The best was the massaman curry with tofu. I’d never tried a massaman curry before but it was so tasty and only cost US$2.50!

 

Also a stall outside the bridged entrance to New Hut sold durian. The delicious exotic smelly fruit I have developed quite a taste for.

Another big plus about where I was staying is that I could get (free) wifi in my private hut.

It was my idea of paradise.

Ok the bathroom situation could have been better since it was shared and the loos didn’t flush (you had to pour scoops of water down them) and the showers were cold.

But for US$10 a night I wasn’t complaining.

 

Jizzy Jeff was also staying there. He’s an Englishman who was stopping off on his way to Australia where he had a plan to bike around it. Yes on a bicycle!

I was all do you realise how big Australia is???

Me and him would hang out. We would go swimming together in the warm sea and eat meals at the radiance restaurant.

 

Jizzy Jeff rented a scooter and took me for a ride to the Chaweng Beach area.

But then it got dark, started to rain and we were getting low on fuel.

I was rather worried but I escaped unharmed. A lot of people get injured. Both a burn from the exhaust and gravel burn from falling off is known as a Thailand tattoo.

 

After we safely got back to our little patch of paradise it was pouring with rain. So I went for a swim in the dark waters of the gulf of Siam and it was amazing.  The rain was cold but the sea was warm. It was just a wonderful experience.

 

Jizzy Jeff was going to the store one night and asked if I wanted anything. I said no but then told him he should surprise me.

He said that he had got me a Pegasus (just what I had always wanted) but really he bought me a gift of chocolate and a mechanical pencil. I gave him back the chocolate since it wasn’t vegan. But I kept the pencil saying I’d treasure this trinket it as a souvenir.

 

So you know what this all lead up to.

We ended up in my hut, both topless and it was nice...

And then he jizzed in his pants.

Seriously I just wanted to play the song for him.

And can I tell myself that ‘Yes I am just that hot?’

Guess I should just be glad he had a good time since due to shark week being upon me, I wasn’t taking my pants off.

Leaving Bangkok like a bat out of hell

I knew it was time to get the hell out of Bangkok as I was feeling rather unmotivated to do anything. The fact that the traffic is insane didn’t help to desist my desire to vegetate.

Also not helping was the fact that I had been ill. My theory is that it takes a few days for the foreign germs to build up in your system and then bang you a one sick puppy.

 

It was pretty pathetic, one pancake lasted me 3 meals. I got a vegan strawberry pancake from Ethos (I had previously had a vegan banana pancake which made me feel like a real backpacker since the path I was treading is known as the banana pancake trail) and it was good. But I could only eat half for breakfast. I ate a quarter that night for dinner and then I thought I put it in the fridge but it turned out to be the freezer so I ate the remaining frozen quarter for breakfast the next day.

So with the illness, lack of motivation and all the scamminess I just had to get the hell out of Bangkok.

 

I am not saying that all of Bangkok was bad.

There was some good stuff and I am not just talking about the time that I randomly came across the Porn Beauty Salon. I can only imagine what makeovers are performed here.

 

I had a pair of Pants that we slightly too long. Just long enough that I kept stepping on the ends of the legs and it bugged me. But lucky for me on the street there was a guy with a sewing machine. I was wearing the pants at the time so I got him to measure the right length on me. Then I zipped off the legs and handed them to him.

I wandered around the area while he removed the zips, shortened the legs and then sewed the zips back on.

I returned, rezipped and had perfect pants for under US$3.

 

I crossed the muddy old (Chao Phraya) river on a boat to visit Wat Arun. I confess I took one look at how steep the steps are and decided against attempting to climb it.

I saw the reclining Buddha at Wat Pho and got a massage. It is the home of a traditional Thai massage school. Thai massage can hurt a bit a times but overall it’s good. I should point out that this wasn’t the type of Thai massage that ends in a happy ending!

 

So anyway it sick of feeling sick and tired of being unmotivated to see the city I knew it was time to move on.

The way to go was definitely to head south and find me a tropical island paradise.

The idea was going to one of the islands in search of the perfect white sand beach with clear water that is the perfect shade of blue. I also wanted perfect palm trees to swing in a hammock from.

So with this idyllic image in my head I booked a bus out of Bangkok.

 

Like Rimmer in Better than Life  my subconscious mind that obviously hates me and apparently has some influence over my body took over. As just before I got on the bus I got the visit from aunt flo.

Yep the perfect time for heavy bleeding is right before a journey of unknown length where the bathroom options at the stops leave much to be desired (like toilet paper, running water and something better than a hole in the ground, oh and you get to pay for all this luxury too).

 

The backpacker buses that leave from Khao San Road are notorious for theft.

I guess they can be so cheap because they make up the rest of their profits by simply stealing them.

I was glad that I had a carry on sized pack and was able to take it up into the bus with me as people hide in the luggage compartment and then go thru the packs (locking them doesn’t help) as the bus drives thru the night and the passengers sleep obliviously above.

 

I actually found the bus to be quite comfortable. The seats had footrests and reclined far more than any airline seat I’d ever been in (but then I do always fly economy). They played a couple of movies and then the lights were dimmed.

The aircon is very cold but they provide blankets. A pillow would have been good but I had a jersey I bundle up under my head so I slept really well.

 

In the morning we disembarked our mighty coach (I got off with everything I go on with) and had to sit on the steps of a travel agency and wait for another bus. This time it was an old clunker and it took us to the port.

Then we waited at the ferry terminal until finally we boarded the Songserm ferry for the journey to the island of Koh Samui in the gulf of Siam.

By the time we arrived I was well past ready to relax in paradise.

Scammed in Thailand

As a newbie in Bangkok it wasn’t long before the dregs of society there made me their mark.

The first attempt was when I went to the Grand Palace. I don’t mean the fact that they charged the equivalent of US$13 to get in. Although I am not sure it was worth that relatively high price to see it. I mean it was nice but maybe not 400 baht nice.

I was most amused by the fact that the emerald Buddha has different outfits for each season.

Yes he gets dressed up like a Barbie doll. He was in his cute little rainy season outfit when I saw him. The other gold garments are for summer and winter.

 

Anyway so I was walking towards the Grand Palace and someone hung some bags of corn over my arm as I walked past. I tried to give it back and they would just do the Thai bow with hands together thing. Later I thought that I should have just said “catch!” and thrown the bags back at them.

 

They then showed me how I should feed the birds the corn while telling me it was lucky (Yeah I don’t think being scammed is lucky either).

So I didn’t want the corn and couldn’t give it back so I just poured it out.

They wanted to take a photo of me doing it with my camera but I was savvy enough to know that wasn’t a good idea.

I then went to keep moving and they of course wanted money.

“No I didn’t want it” I responded and kept walking.

I have heard that they will hit people who refuse to pay, but I got away fine.

 

The second time I was scammed I was not so lucky.

One night in my guesthouse me, an Austrian girl and a guy from Belgium were bored and somehow we got the idea that we should go and see a ping pong show. It’s on the things ya gotta see at least once in Thailand list.

So we went to Patong for the ping pong pussy performance.

 

A tout told us to come and see the show and it would cost us 100 baht each. Yeah we were stupid enough to believe him.

The bar was located upstairs (later I realised that they are purposely located to make escape harder).

The show was pretty sad really but the lady who had done her kegals actually aimed at us and hit us with the ping pong balls.

 

Then we found out this scummy scammy place wanted to charge us more money.

We argued since that wasn’t what the tout told us and they being true scammers said that the longer we stayed arguing they more they were going to charge us.

I feel very angry just remembering this.

I was going to only give them the money for my drink. Fuck them and their scams.

But I didn’t have correct change and I was just trying to figure out how to deal with this when the Austrian gave them the money and pulled me out of there.

She then said I had to pay her back.

This pissed me off even more. Sure she may have saved me from my stubborn ways and considering what scum these people are possible saved my life.

But the way she did it without asking me and then demanded that I give her the money made me feel like she was as almost as scammy as them.

I did give her the money but I wasn’t happy about it.

 

So the scammers only got 1000 baht out of me which in the grand scheme of things is not that much (around US$30). But it will get you quite far in Thailand. Sure I was stupid but it is horrible how they just prey on people.

I want to go back and burn the place down. Or at least spray paint ‘This is a $$Scam’ all over the steps to warn others.

Sometimes I think I really need to travel with a stun gun or something to take care of situations like these.

Looping around Chicago

My Canadian friend, who I had met sleeping on a roof in Syria and had never named so what the hell let’s call him DannyBoy, was going to a conference in the states and we arraigned to meet up and explore Chicago together.

 

To get there this meant I would be riding the dog. Yes as in a greyhound bus. I really hoped I wouldn’t lose my head and I meant that literally.

I tried to tell myself that this was the United States not Canada, I wouldn’t get stabbed. I would get shot.

Luckily the Crisis was averted as I was the only passenger on the bus.

I thought of it as my own personal stretch limo and spent the trip chatting to the company observer guy. I told him that they should give me a personal tour of Chicago when we got there.

But they just dropped me at the greyhound station as per usual.

 

Chicago was in the middle of a heat wave and it was stinking hot. It was not so much the windy city as the sizzling city. I got a 3 day CTA pass and caught a bus to the air conditioned hostel where I waited for my friend. I ended up waiting less than 10mins so it was excellent timing.

 

DannyBoy and I went to a veggie place for lunch and then caught the train out to a REI store.

Being from Canada DannyBoy was used to mountain equipment co op. (I regularly spot Canadian backpackers not by the flags on their bags but by the MEC name).

DannyBoy loves to by travel stuff and we are always talking about new toys. In REI he looked at knives. I would pick one up and do my best croc Dundee impression “that’s not a knife this is a knife!”

He didn’t buy any and I resisted the pretty coloured Leatherman knives.

 

We stopped at a nearby apple store to map a route and got back on the train to Addison.

This is where Wrigley Field is but we were on a different mission.

Pizza!

Ian’s pizza sells vegan pizza by the slice, they have several options and it is all awesome.

But it was not Chicago deep dish pizza. I did try deep dish pizza in Wisconsin and it was good. But it was not in Chicago and I would have liked to have done it right. Sadly I never did find a place with vegan deep dish pizza.

 

DannyBoy tried a very non vegan deep dish at another meal and it was huge!

He wouldn’t tip and would say “what’s the difference between a canuck and a canoe, a canoe tips”. I just thought it made him a cunt.

I wasn’t impressed and I’d tip extra to try and make up for him while telling him how I didn’t like the tipping system either but I knew that it was how it was done in the states and that they got paid very little. I may not be generous with the gratuities if not necessary but when in Rome...

 

 

The hostel had a free breakfast (they had bagels and apples!) with a great view of the el trains on the loop.

We set off early and walked to the Art Institute of Chicago. We were almost there when we got caught in a massive rainstorm.

As I walked dripping into the museum gift store the saleslady took one look at me and informed us that they sold umbrellas. Yeah a little late lady!

 

We started exploring the museum by going up the brightly lit led stairs. They had words on them, in colour!

 Found the most famous painting. American gothic. This is the one with the famer, his daughter and the pitchfork.  Random fact: It was actually the guy who posed as the famer was the painter’s dentist.

Devil Duckie liked the pitchfork. It made him feel at home and the art institute lets you take photos.

 

The strangest display was blank white canvases on white walls. I would have thought that it was just nothing but then I wondered if it was some kind of modern art thing as they do have that kind of art.

One of the modern displays was literally a huge pile of candy. I was like this is art? It just looks like a really good Halloween haul!

 

We took a break for lunch and discovered that Subway had falafel. I guess that this was just a test store but I hope that it catches on.

We sat in a little garden by the museum to eat before heading back in.

I thought we had seen everything except a train coming out of a fireplace painting that was apparently on loan to someone else. And we did it all with two minutes to spare before closing time. But later I realised that we had missed some miniatures in the basement. I love mini stuff so this was a bummer.

 

So we left the museum and walked to Millennium Park and the tourist magnet with the official name of Cloud Gate but that is known as the bean. The thought has crossed my warped mind that if everyone tried to eat a bean that big then Chicago would be a windy city indeed.

The bean had been high on my list of things to see and I liked it. It was so pretty and shiny. It was interesting to stand and try to see yourself in the reflection as the curves meant that it could be hard to find the right spot.

The skyline reflected was awesome too.

 

After this we were very hot and tired and thirsty so DannyBoy suggested that we get slurpees and ride the el train. The slurpees are icy cold and refreshing, the train has seats and air-conditioning so to me this was just the best idea ever, pure genius.

 

The 7 elevens in the USA have a huge selection of slurpee flavours. Other countries you usually don’t get more than 2 choices, here I had a whole row and I decided to try cowboys and aliens flavour. DannyBoy said that really I shouldn’t have that one until I had seen the movie to see if it was any good. But it had blue raspberry and lemonade in it so I knew it would be a winner (I still haven’t seen the film so no idea if that was a winner).

As we had the passes it cost us nothing to ride the el train so we sat there in comfort, watching the view and chatting as we rode the orange line around town while sucking back on a blue frozen drink. We went out to Midway Airport and back and on the return we did a lap of the loop.

 

DannyBoy arranged for us to do a free walking tour the next day.

We stopped on the way and I bought a magnet. It had everything on one magnet.

It was shaped like a t-shirt, it had the flag, it said Chicago and it had the outline of the skyline.

 

The instagreeter tour was run from the cultural centre and was on the architecture in the loop.

I correctly guessed that one display was done by the same guy (Chagall) who did a blue wall in the art institute. The mosaic is called Four Seasons, the art institute is the home of America Windows.

 

The guide pointed out features on buildings and we even went into a couple.

The best was the Marquette building as the lobby has an elaborate upper level balcony decorated with biblical art on all sides. The hexagon has panels have mosaics of a missionary that the building was named after.

 

After the tour we took the el train to Addison again. This time there was a cub’s game on at Wrigley Field so we stopped to take in the sporting atmosphere, I spotted how some houses had put seats on their roof which was rather enterprising.

But we had a goal, and it was once again food.

We went to the Chicago diner. It was busy and we had to wait 20mins to get a table but it was totally worth it. I had a hard time deciding what to get. I get this problem at places with vegan options. Usually there is like one thing on the menu I can eat. Come to a veg place and I am all ooohh decisions.

I went with the breakfast bowl and it was a good choice. Yum yum.

 

When full of food we wandered back to an el station and got on a crowded train (the game was over). Got off at the end of the magnificent mile and walked down it, browsing in fancy stores.

One building had the scariest looking fire escape I had ever seen. It was at the Allerton Hotel and way way high up. Remind me not to check in for the next great Chicago fire...

 

At the other end of the mile (is it actually a mile?) was a statue of Marilyn Monroe dressed like the famous scene from the seven year itch. Not quite sure of the connection as the movie was set in New York but I guess Chicago is the windy city and her dress is blowing up. Everyone was looking up her skirt.

 

We caught a tram to Navy Pier which is supposed to be Chicago’s number one tourist attraction. There were lots of people walking the length of it. We checked out the scene there but made sure to leave in time to catch a bus back to the hostel, it is stupid how the buses stop running before the fireworks finish. Apparently a lot of tourists get caught out by that.

A guy at the hostel had a rickshaw so we sent him over there to find fares.

 

The next day I was back on the greyhound bus. But on the bus out of Chicago I wasn’t the only passenger.

Fortunately no one pulled any weapons (I can only assume they had them but kept them hidden) during the trip.

I passed the time with This American Life podcasts (It was funny to me how I was near Racine while listening to a story about a prom there) and reflecting on my trip to Chicago.

I have to say it’s an excellent city to visit. I would be happy if I found myself back there and if I do my goal will be to try to see more Frank Lloyd Wright stuff.

And finally find a vegan deep dish pizza of course!