Great Adventures of a Green Goddess

Americana

So there I was in the mighty country known as the United States of America.

Yes the homeland of the seppo’s was being infiltrated by an undercover Kiwi.

I was in the great state of Wisconsin, what better place for a vegan than Americans dairyland? (Although I would have loved to find a magnet that said Wisconsin, come smell our dairy air).

I was near Milwaukee a place where the buses go to Lovers Lane (for group trips?) and the stadium collapsed during construction.

The city is where the TV show Happy Days was set and where Jeffery Dahmer did his serial killing (Rosie’s mom used to work in a building right by where his apartment was and showed me the spot).

The state is also where the onion began I was interested to see that you could get it in newspaper form there.

 

I was actually really into the whole small town Americana thing and I did my best to fit in.

During my first days as a Wild Kiwi in small town America I discovered that everyone loved my accent and I spotted a squirrel, two chipmunks and a crazy drunk neighbour in their natural habitat.

 

The area I was staying in despite technically being a city was so rural and surround by trees that there were deer that would just roam the streets and backyards. I would look around and be like this doesn’t look like a city, too much nature and not enough buildings.

The downside to this was that everything was spread out and I realised that it was true that America really is a country for cars. As I don’t drive and the public transport system was pretty lame I was kind of trapped at my friend’s house.

 

But it was nice there. I would walk her dog around the neighbourhood and marvel at how with the number of American flags of display there were surely more flags than people!

If I had to describe small town America by two items it would be flags and water towers.

 

I taped three shows on the DVR, I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, The Colbert Report and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

It was cool as they were actually relevant. I mean the last two!

And oh I did laugh the day that Rosie’s mom called the tea party a bunch of tea baggers and Rosie had to explain to her exactly what tea bagging involves.

 

To really get into the American way of life I started couponing. I would cut out coupons from the Sunday papers and the good thing about being in America is the all the online stuff about coupons is actually relevant.

One of the tofu companies had a giveaway where if you sent in barcodes you could get shorts with extra firm written on the ass. It was suggested that if I wore them it would be false advertising. The cheek!

But back to me being the coupon queen, I was totally winning at extreme couponing. I shopped on double double daze coupon day at the grocery store. I even managed to get free products and I felt so American.

But deep down I tried not to dwell on thoughts about how I was probably better off in a country that was just cheaper without having to use coupons.

 

 

Religion is big in America and I was there for the (not) rapture.

We had a little yay The Rapture didn't get me celebration with Vegan nachos, virgin coladas and plans that didn’t quite happen to make some cookies as we all know that they are required for being on the dark side.

 

On the subject of food and especially close encounters of the vegan kind I have to say that America is pretty damn awesome.

They have a truly impressive selection of vegan products.

The vegan ice cream selection alone is almost enough to make me move there permanently.

Seriously they have alternatives made of rice, soy, almond or coconut milk and there are fancy flavours like cookie dough and chocolate fudge brownie. 

 

I made a vegan raspberry cheesecake (which Rosie renamed it 'soy cake'). I also made a tofu chocolate silk pie that was well received.

I tried a different state of vegan food with Hawaiian hotdogs. They are hotdogs in a bun with baked beans, bbq sauce and pineapple on top. Delicious.

The meltable joy of Daiya cheese is excellent and I drool remembering the twice baked stuffed jacket potatoes I created.

 

 

I was also there for the fourth of July (hey if I am going to fly for 14.5hrs to the other side of the world I’m going to stick around for awhile) and we went to watch the local Independence Day parade.

The parade was not unexpectedly very red white and blue small town America.

 Filled with local people on floats and walking the parade route. The funniest float was guys in huge top hats with faces on their bare bellies. There were also a lot of classic cars, marching bands and dogs in costumes.

 

It was a very hot day so I was glad that not only did they throw candy but also frozen ice sticks, I managed to get a big stash of these frozen ice lollies and used them to cool off. Every so often pulling a fresh one out from under our blanket and holding it against my neck.

 

Although instead of the free ice sticks I must admit I was more enamoured with the idea of eating a rocket pop.

They just seemed very American to me with their red white and blue colours.

But I discovered that I am retarded or they are more dangerous that bomb shaped coloured frozen ice would appear. Because alas as I ate one it the ice stuck to my lip and I had to squirt water from my water bottle to try and free myself.

In the end I declared them to be painful but tasty.

Grounded

I recently read the book Grounded by Seth Stevenson. The premise of the book is that the author and his girlfriend attempt to travel around the world without flying.

 

While I personally love flying I would also like to circumnavigate the globe without leaving its surface. I have long held the dream of doing a world cruise .This being the easy way of doing this kind of trip.

But reading this did make me want to try it the harder way too.

 

Before I picked up this book I’d had an idea of a long overland trip.

I want to catch the Trans Siberian train from Russia to China via Mongolia. Then travel across China to Tibet (there is a train that does this route now). I would then visit Bhutan, Nepal etc before travelling around India.

I haven’t looked into the feasibility of this trip in regards to border crossings, visas and the best time of year to be in each place. (The trouble with travelling between hot and cold places is the extra clothes you need to pack. If I go to a hot place I would rather take only my smaller carry on sized pack).

 

I really enjoyed reading this book so I was actually rather surprised when I read the reviews on Amazon and found so many of them to be negative.

Yes I did think when reading the book that they didn’t spend much time in each place and that if I’d done it I would have spent longer exploring every destination.  But I just thought hey to each their own if that’s the way they want to travel it’s their trip.

Plus being a fan of snark I liked their comments about the people they encountered along the way. I laughed out loud at some of their quips.

 

I was not disappointed that the book did not go into much detail about all the places they visited. I am sure there are many books that do and if that’s what you want it can’t be hard to find one.

But this book focused on the actual journey of how hard it can be to circumnavigate the globe without leaving the ground and I liked that the fast pace of the book about their slow trip made this a quick easy read.

The book wasn’t bogged down with details but it still had some interesting facts about things like the development of container shipping.

 

Somewhat ironically the uncomplicated writing in this book means that this would be a good book to read on a long flight.

New Year, new plan

So it is time for a new approach to this blog.

I have been trying to record events in the order they occurred, but it occurs to me that this is really not working out too well as the procrastination is winning.

So I am thinking that my new approach will be to be able to write things that are current (like hey the Dugger’s still suck!) and also to skip back to things way back in the dark ages of how far behind I am with this blog.

Sure it makes things more complicated for you my lovely lonely audience of about one. But you obviously being supremely smart will be able to cope I am sure.

 

You may have noticed that I have a different look to the blog now. I decided to try out the new format for the sole but very compelling reason that it is free. My second favourite price after getting paid to something. To actually get paid I think you need the better version of typepad where you can place ads. But since you actually need people to see the ads that not gonna be happening for me anything soon (I hear rumours that people kinda wanna read a blog that actually has new posts).

So it is the free version for me for now. I am hoping that if I decided I preferred the old version I can change back. But I don’t know for sure and I am not checking in case it can’t be done. Best to postpone any buyer’s remorse I say.

 

I also think that a new name might be good but I haven’t been struck by any inspiration for a catchy new title. So you my sole reader have a great responsibly when I ask for any suggestions in the comments.

Go on don’t be shy, go ahead and recommend anything. It’s just you and me here.

Planes trains and autocracy

I finally left Malaysia.

Commencing my random trip to the other side of the world, late one night on a train heading from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore.

I had a sleeper berth but the aircon was quite cold, it was rocking and despite the privacy curtain it was rather light. Thus it was difficult to sleep.

 

The toilet appeared (I didn’t investigate too closely) to be a hole in the floor. As I don’t have my balance and aim for squat toilets at the best of times I did not trust myself to shake my lettuce neatly on a shuddering train and there were signs not to use the toilets when the train was stopped at stations. Thus I had to hold it till we stopped for Singapore immigration. Thankfully it being Singapore they had a lovely spotlessly clean facility.

 

My train terminated its journey at The Old Keppel Street Train Station. I was glad to get to go there before it closed down. I wasn’t the only one who got off the train and started taking photos.

 

I went to see the Newton Hawker Centre as the internet had told me it opened at 9am. But it wasn’t too active when I was there so I just had a drink.

I had time to check out some packing cubes at The Planet Traveller in the Paragon (still obsessed). But in the end decided that I would see what the options are like in the states so didn’t buy any.

 

I then caught the MRT to the airport.

Yes it was a quick visit to Singapore. My train arrived at 9am in the morning and I was flying out at 2pm in the afternoon.

I was flying Tiger Air so had to catch the free shuttle bus to the budget terminal at Changi.

It wasn’t so bad, but my opinion may be influenced by the fact that it had free internet terminals.

 

I was a little worried that my carry on sized bag may have been too heavy.

So I simply smiled sweetly at the woman checking me in and asked for a window seat. My great powers of distraction obviously worked as she didn’t try to weigh my bag at all.

The flight was uneventful and I entertained myself by surreptitiously examining the shirt of the guy sitting next to me that was mismatched with 3 pockets (sadly for you I didn’t manage to snap a sneaky photo).

 

In Hong Kong I was supposed to pick up some stuff from Chuck. He had upset me by telling me he had (living up to his codename) chucked it out. He was lying to annoy me (seriously he is such a jerk sometimes).

So we had arranged that I would collect my stuff from his new apartment.

Thus I slepped myself and all my stuff up the midlevels and found the building.

Only to discover that Chuck the stupid ass had not left the package with his doorman as he was supposed to as was off catching a plane to the Philippines and unable to fix the problems he had created for me.

I was not happy at all.

 

I found a cheap place to spend the night in TST and then headed back to the airport the next morning.

I had bought a 24hr pass for the MTR and it had some time left on it so I tried to convince the people working at the info desk that they should pass it on to some poor newly arrived passenger.

But they were as helpful as Chuck aka not very at all.

 

I admit that while standing in line to check in for my United Airlines flight the song that was stuck in my head just happened to be United Breaks Guitars.

I got to use the priority line which made me feel special.

I wanted to be bumped (for fun and profit) but alas there was no bumping happening for me that day.

 

On the train to my gate I met Jim, the captain of my flight. We chatted and he seemed very nice.

Hong Kong is a very good airport. There is free wifi and the gate had seats with sockets to charge my electronics.

I would need them as my flight to Chicago was an endurance test on a United Airlines Boeing 747-400 with only main screen entertainment.

I’d wondered what would get me first terminal boredom or DVT, as I had also originally been assigned a middle seat.

 

Luckily I kept checking the website obsessively and when a better seat opened up I jumped on it.

I ended up with an awesome seat selection. Right at the back (safest place, planes don’t back into mountains) where the fuselage narrows so it is only two abreast and my favourite of a window seat.

 

When I boarded the flight I discovered someone sitting in my seat (she had swapped with a guy on the other side of the aircraft). But the flight attendant was nice and sorted it out. I ended up in the row in front and it was actually better as the row in front of me had 3 seats so I got an extra seatback pocket. Plus the gap between my seat and the fuselage was widest so I had a good personal storage space.

 

I asked the flight attendant what the planes registration number was (yes I am geeky that way) he said he would ask the captain and I was all “Oh Jim! Yeah I chatted to him earlier...”

 

My flight may not have had personal screens but it did have a baby right in front of me.

And there was the entertainment of reading the inflight magazine and seeing that they had spelt the name of good old Palmerston North wrong. (I’m surprised it even made it onto the map).

 

I was sitting next to a priest.

For lunch I was served pasta (undercooked and crunchy) so I got to tell him about being a Pastafarian. I am sure he appreciated it.

 

Since I always get a special meal I have been comparing the VGML with the standard option.

For a snack everyone else got the grossest crackers ever. They contained fish oil and egg shell powder. Seriously WTF? It is like they went now what is the cheapest filler we can get?

But they also got cake and a banana.

My vegan snack was a very tasty wrap. But it was small and I didn’t understand why I didn’t get a banana. Fruit is vegan dammit!

 

I asked my lovely flight attendant and he said they had some extra bananas. He went to find one but couldn’t so got me some potato chips from business class.

Then a little later he located a banana and brought me that too.

(I actually sent an email to United to say how great I thought he was).

 

When another flight attendant came around offering drinks I asked for a tomato juice. She looked at me funny and was all do you mean toMAYto.

America may be a different world...

 

I did really like that on United Airlines they have channel nine so I was listening to the pilots talk to ATC for our approach and landing. I heard our flight be instructed to turn and told my priestly neighbour that we were about to turn. Then we did. Bet he thought I was psychic.

It was pretty cool listening and there was another aircraft flying parallel to us to I had something awesome to look at as well.

It’s funny that I had applied for a new ESTA (visa waiver thing) just before they started charging for it. Not thinking I would use it but figuring I should while it was still free. And now here I was entering the USA on that free ESTA.

I got stamped into the country by a gruff agent who barked at me “why are you here”. Luckily my answer that I was visiting a friend was deemed acceptable.

It took me approximately 53 hours but I had come to America.

Just the ticket, please!

So Rosie my American friend invited me to visit her in her homeland and the idea just grew and grew until before I knew it I found myself up one night at a cafe in Malaysia, trying to use their lame wifi to book a flight to the other side of the world.

 

There are no direct flights between Kuala Lumpur and Chicago so I had a lot of researching to do on the various routes.

Kayak became my new favourite website as I scoured the web for that elusive cheap fare.

I considered using the Emirates options voucher that I got when I was bumped. But with the strangeness of the airline pricing system it seemed that it would end up more expensive using it.

 

I found a flight on United Airlines that while more than I wanted to pay of course was the cheapest option I could find.

I sent Rosie a message for reassurance that I really wanted to book it.

The facebook message system picked this worst possible time to stop working and I could send messages but not see them and then I had to check my email to read the replies.

 

So with Rosie saying do it I pushed the button on booking the United trip.

And despite my not having an American address to enter and having to cross my fingers while it processed hoping it would work anyway, it thankfully successfully got me a seat on a Boeing going to the windy city.

 

I’d found a cheap flight from Singapore to Hong Kong to catch the United flight.

But despite my bank having no problem at all with me spending £700 just minutes before, they stopped my card for the less than £70 transaction with Tiger Airways.

 

It was a special fare, last day of the sale and as I desperately tried to phone my bank with the slow internet connection the clock ticked past midnight.

It worked out in the end but I did mutter how much I hated my bank a lot in this tense time.

I should not be so stressed out simply trying to buy a couple of airline tickets!

 

 

Rosie had to go out and so she didn’t even know that it had finally worked and I had the tickets until she was able to check online later.

When she did find out she was thrilled that I was coming to town. I was so excited about my impending journey I couldn’t sleep that night.

And it was impending imminently. I had booked a flight that’s departure was only one week away.

 

When I was booking I thought hey I haven’t seen a movie in awhile, but I’ll get to see more than a few with the long flight time (it is one of the longest nonstop flights in the world).

It wasn’t until after I had booked my ticket that I checked United Airline’s website to see what movie options they had and made a shocking and terrible discovery.

Their 747s don’t have personal seat back screens so I was going to be stuck for fourteen and a half hours with only main screen entertainment.

In a middle seat.

Malaysia truly a taste of Asia

I ended up spending more time that expected in Malaysia for reasons that I won’t go into now.

But during that time I got to eat a lot of good food (I think that Malaysia has the best food in Asia) and I also did some touristy stuff with an old travel buddy.

 

Kyle the American guy that I previously met in Israel and took to Jordan is now living in Thailand and he came to Kuala Lumpur on a visa run.

So we arranged to meet up to go see Batu Caves.

 

We weren’t really sure how to get there but I had heard there was a train from Sentral and I had heard correct as it was very easy to find.

Handily the train stops right outside the caves.

 

We browsed the stalls around the entrance first and I showed Kyle the drink with the hilarious name of Kickapoo joy juice. He was also amused by it.

But that is not even the worst name I have seen. At a night market I’d spotted a sign for Poo’s ice cream. Mmm chocolate flavour I presume?

 

Actually on to the topic of Malaysian food they have some really good stuff.

Plus there are lots of veg places, I simply walked around and would come across them.

 

Although I would like to report that the dish Hor Fun isn’t quite as good as it sounds. It is just rice noodles with vegetables but it is tasty.

 

Another thing I liked was sago but only from one restaurant near my uncle’s house as the sago pearls are really good in coconut milk and covered in shaved ice, you then pour palm sugar over it. I tried it at a different place and the sago was all clumped together. It was not nice.

 

The hawker centres are fun and I don’t think I will ever get sick of the mock meats. Especially not my favourite, the delicious fake chicken drumsticks.

 

My aunt cooked fake intestines which were fine until my cousin told me what they were supposed to be. Then I had the image in my head, even after my aunt said we could just call them meat rolls.

 

One time we went out to for a big family dinner at a restaurant and my aunt made me a meal as she knew they wouldn’t have vegan stuff for me. She packed in a really cute container and I made me a veggie man.

What I found interesting about the non veg food at the restaurant was that they don’t hide what the food is. The chicken came out with its head, and its cold blank eyes staring out at you. So disturbing.

 

What I don’t like of the many vegan food options are straw mushrooms which are very common in Asia. I am usually fan of mushrooms but I make a big exception for these slimy little buggers. They taste bad and I can’t be the only one to notice that they look like they have little foreskins.

 

Finally I got to attempt my own personal vegan fear factor and tried that strange smelly fruit the durian.

And I liked it!

Well the first time I tried it I thought I was rather odd and I could best describe it as creamy and garlicky (but I am rubbish at describing things). My uncle had told me that he thought I would like it as I don’t eat cheese and his theory is that if you like cheese then you won’t like durian. I pointed out that I did like the taste of cheese before I gave it up to go vegan.

I would also joke with my uncle about a delicacy meaning that it was something gross (and usually expensive).

So anyway after this first attempt of it not being sure how I felt about it, he said to try it chilled and it was much better that way.

Friends of my uncle who live in Australia actually came over for durian season (they are ripe twice a year). They were very surprised that I liked it. I guess it is supposed to be like marmite/ vegemite for antipodean kids, where if your mum didn’t give it to you smeared on toast when you were a baby then you won’t like it.

 

 

Anyway back to my trip to batu caves.

There are a lot of steps to walk up.  272 concrete steps to be exact.

But at the top a sign thankfully lets you know that there is no more exercise.

Inside the cave there is a Hindu temple.

 

There are also monkeys, lots of cute monkeys.

Adorable thieving monkeys.

I saw a monkey snatch a water bottle out of the hand of a tourist carrying it up the steep steps.

The monkey then found a perch on the railing and opened the bottle. Not impressed with the contents and to add insult to injury he proceeded to simply pour out the water.

I think the monkeys wanted alcohol, or perhaps sugar as I saw a monkey open a coke can. With his teeth.

I don’t recommend getting bitten by a monkey as those fangs easily ripped apart aluminium can.

But dammit those monkeys are cute. Someone gave one of the monkeys a booklet and sat there looking like it was trying to read it.

Makes you want to look past the fangs and the food stealing to just take one home.

Singapore Swing

I had booked a budget flight to Singapore months before as I wasn’t sure if the airline wanted proof of an onward flight. They had checked on my way into the Philippines so it seemed pretty plausible they would check on the way out too.

 

They didn’t, but by the time my flight rolled around I needed to swing down there to do a visa run anyway.

So I flew down to Singapore from Kuala Lumpur on Air Asia.

The low cost terminal had wifi so I was fine with the wait. Even if I was a bit confused when they started boarding a different flight thru the same gate that my now delayed flight was supposed to be using.

I got a middle seat but figured that I had been pretty lucky in my travels so far and if I had to have a middle at least it was only on an hour long flight.

 

Changi is one of the best airports in the world.

I had heard about the swimming pool on the roof so went to have a look (just thru the doors, I didn’t take a dip) before I headed thru immigration.

Once past that formality I set off to find the next on my list if cool things to see at this airport. The slide.

 

Yes the airport has a slide for passengers to play on. It is fully enclosed metal and spirals down a couple of levels.

For a ticket to ride it you have to spend a certain amount in the airport shops. I did not try it out.

 

I needed to find somewhere to stay and the tourist information centre that uselessly couldn’t check availability, advised trying Chinatown.

So I caught the MRT and went to the first hostel I saw in Chinatown.

 

They didn’t have a bed that night but did for the following night. The girl was super nice and called around until she found me a place for the night.

I didn’t know that Singapore would be so popular and it took a few calls for her to find me a bed in this busy city.

 

I hopped back on the MRT and off I went to spend the night at a hostel with a very high top bunk, which of course was the only bed free. I slept in it thinking how when I am rich and can travel the world in luxury I will write a manifesto entitled No More Top Bunks!

 

Next morning I transferred to the other hostel and then set off walking to see some sights of Singapore.

Even thou this was Chinatown and not Little India, at the end of the street there was a Hindu temple. Sri Mariamman Temple is the oldest in Singapore.

Heading up South Bridge Road I found Boat Quay. This is an expensive drinking area where the historic shop houses have been converted into restaurants and bars.

I much preferred my cheap slurpee from a 7/11 (found in the back streets along with discovering that instead of Starbucks, Singapore has Shahbucks) that I drank while sitting taking in the area. One of my favourite features was a sculpture of a bird that was nicely rounded and rather wide like it was a buff bird.

Another awesome artwork was a sculpture of some boys jumping into the water. Which I thought was very well done.

 

Then it was onwards to the symbol of Singapore. That strange half cat and half fish beast, the Merlion.

While I was there it was the Merlion Hotel.

The transformation of the Merlion into a hotel room had been done as part of an art project by an artist named Tatzu Nishi whose name is spelt out in the tiles on the bathroom floor.

 

I had chatted to a guy managing the line and he convinced me that it was worth the wait in line plus the inconvenience of taking off my shoes to see it.

As I sat putting my shoes back on he came up and said that I must have liked it as I was the last one out.

This was actually because I had been chatting to a girl working inside about how I take devil duckie photos on my travels.

But it was also pretty interesting inside. I was amused that one of the little signs said that reminded the guests to draw their curtains advised that only the Merlion needs to see.

 

I must have been playing far too much Angry Birds (I am an official angry birds addict) as all I could see when I looked out at the view of the harbour was to imagine hooking up a slingshot to the Singapore Flyer and flinging an angry bird towards some green pigs sitting on the Marina Bay Sands.

 

The Marina Bay Sands is the hotel and casino that is made of three buildings with what looks like a boat lying across the tops. I didn’t go up but I met a guy who claimed that he had gone up to the viewing deck and managed to sneak in for a swim in the world’s longest and highest infinity pool. Yep it is 55 stories up and stretches out for 150m. Dubai eat your heart out!

I went to the Raffles Hotel, found The Long Bar and watched a bartender make a Singapore Sling.

Since I don’t drink, I wasn’t about to pay the outrageous sum they charge for this pretty pink drink. But I did purchase (from a street seller where such things are cheaper and less classy) a magnet of the Merlion drinking a Singapore sling.

Mission accomplished in seeing the creation of this concoction, I then headed to a nearby mall where there were many balloons decorating a forecourt. But that wasn’t what I came for.

 

My obsession with eagle creek packing cubes continues and I actually needed a new one. Yay for being able to justify purchasing things that make me absurdly happy.

I was happy to see the Singapore had some of the old patterns but unfortunately I was in the market for just a simple regular sized cube and the selection was not as diverse for that. But I got me one in the bark print which was better than a plain and boring solid colour.

 

Food is a big thing in Singapore.

I ate at a hawker centre as it was recommended but to be honest I didn’t think it was any different to the hawker food I had been eating in Malaysia.

I went for dinner at Deliveg and had the DFC which is their vegan version of KFC. It was good but needed to be a bit spicier.

 

This was just a quick trip to Singapore and so after two nights I left in the morning, catching the MRT to Little India to walk around there (I didn’t see any Chinese temples there to balance the Indian one in Chinatown). Then to the bus station I needed which was nearby.

 

The bus took me across to Johor Bahru bus station in Malaysia. From there I caught a bus to Kuala Lumpur.

The bus was actually pretty nice inside with large reclining seats. But I asked if I was assigned a seat and was told to just pick one. So I did. Then they made me move as the one I picked was one the side with two abreact seating and as I was travelling solo they made me sit in a single seat across the aisle. This was lame as the seat kept randomly reclining and the sun was on me.

 

This was the cheapest way to get from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur but it took awhile. We stopped for rest a break at a place that had many fish in ponds and a big fish fountain out front.

The bus arrived at the new bus terminal (that seems to be in the middle of nowhere) after dark and I then had to catch a train (that took forever and the first was so crowded I couldn’t get on and people would not move down to fill the gaps in the middle of the carriages. But the next train was only 5mins later and empty) into the city and a bus to the burbs.

 

The lasting impression I got of Singapore is that it is very clean and things just seem to work there.

A prime example is that you can even drink the tap water!

They say it is like Disneyland with the death penalty and it could be true, the guy on the money even looks like Walt Disney!

 

This post is brought to you by the letter F for fuck it!

So I thought I would update about what happened with the Finn after my little slice of heaven in Hel with him.

Because while Good girls go to heaven. I went to Helsinki.

So I could sum it up with in one word: Nothing.

But that isn’t much of a blog now is it?

 

So the Finn did email occasionally for a few months or so after I left Finland.

But in the end he was just like every other online guy and simply stopped replying to my emails.

Like a Nordic no dick he didn’t have the balls or common decency to say why or bye.

 

I wish I could say that it was a surprise but it is always this way.

I always know they are slipping away but I don’t know how to prevent it from happening. It just seems to be the unstoppable inevitable with hope slipping thru my fingers.

I really wish I didn’t have hope as I know it is stupidly unrealistic and it just leads to disappointment. But I am obviously desperate and dumb.

I have to remind myself that the freezing Finnish winter did not caused frostbite resulting in his fingers falling off.

He just didn’t want to email me.

 

So how did I scare him off?

It’s not like I said hey I really like this ring on the Helsinki map so how about it? (Although it was pretty and shiny).

I sent him an email of my brilliant suggestion, because I am full of good ideas:

“So I looked up the Schengen visa situation and apparently I can stay in the Schengen area for three months, but then I gotta be out for three months before I can return.
Therefore, in my little cash-is-irrelevant Schengen agreement compliant fantasy: I can travel around for three months and then you can tie me up and spank me like the naughty little girl I am until I have to go travel some more.

This shall be known as Vagabondage”

Well I thought it was good.

He seemed less enamoured with this plan.

 

I know that the fun finny fling has been flung. It was just a Finnish fantasy and the fine Finn fucking is finished. But I shall forever remember the fantastic time I had in Finland fondly.

I wish I could remember every single moment, as the memories need to sustain me forever.

Yeah so I realise that the idea of me having a romantic relationship is recognizably ridiculous

But I didn’t see why we couldn’t just be fabulous friends in the future.

Unfortunately even that was too much to ask.

 

So the thing is we emailed for about 5 months and met for 5 days. I guess you are wondering why am I so hung up on him.

What makes it hard to get over is that I know I most likely wont experience anything like this again.

He was everything I wanted in a man. He matched my interests and he was nice, smart, funny and attractive. Not forgetting rich and stupid enough to pay for a luxury hotel room for me.

I know I should have protested as a strong independent woman and not let him pay for things, but I liked having him take care of me and not having to think.

I am not saying he was perfect but I overlooked his faults (He didn’t have the looks of Brad Pitt, the bank account of Bill Gates or the dick of Dirk Diggler).

Why couldn’t he overlook mine?

 

I admit enjoying obsessing over this. Thinking that if things had been different he could have been the first guy I could have actually fallen in love with.

Not that I am stupid enough to do things like that. I have a strict policy that I will only fall for someone after they fall for me. Ha! as if right.

The fact is that I will sadly never know the wonders of loving or being loved by someone.

 

I just want to be able to look back fondly at my fabulous time in Finland. Instead of being invisible and ignored I was getting attention and it was something I adored. I felt attractive.

The memories are fantastic but they are mixed with the feeling of sadness that he rejected me.

At the time I knew that it would inevitably end but I didn’t want to think about the crushing disappointment that it would of course conclude with.

I just wanted to continue experiencing this wonderful happy time.

Now I just want to hear his cute little accent one more time. To look into his beautiful eyes, feel his arms around me again and kiss him.

And other such flights of fancy.

But it is never going to happen again.

 

So to sum it up in F’s:

The Finnish fling was a fantasy. It is finished and all I can do is look back on it fondly. It would be easier if I was frigid. I had hoped we could be friends but that faint fancy has flown now. I want to forever remember the frisky Finn foreplay but my memory is slowly fading.  

 

So in the end it was just the same old story. I liked him but he didn’t want me. Same shit different dude. I just really wanted him to be different.

Fuck it.

Chinese New Year Cake Wreck

I experienced my first Chinese New Year in Malaysia.

When I had heard of CNY previously I had always thought of the Chinese dragon dance. While I didn’t see that, I was glad that I got to see a lion dance performance at the mall. The show has two acrobatic guys wearing the lion costume as they go up on a frame and jump around to the accompanying drum beats.

 

The Chinese version of Happy New Year is Gong Xi Fai Cai. This means wishing you a prosperous New Year. It actually literally translates to wishing you enlarge your wealth.

And I did.

One of the best bits of CNY for me was the monetary gifts.

I love that I get paid to be an old maid.

Single ladies like me get given the little red packets called ang pow. The cash in mine added up to 191RM.  Yes who knew that being an incel was so lucrative.

I am so staying a spinster!

 

The red packets are decorated with rabbits as we were welcoming in the year of the rabbit.

Yes ladies get yourself a new toy to celebrate as it is the year for your battery operated bunny to shine or buzz...

Back to more innocent items.

Also to show the bunny year there were Chinese steamed buns (Pau) shaped like bunny rabbits.

I was impressed and inspired.

 

I decided to go all out and celebrate with cake.

One day of the Chinese New Year is supposed to be everyone’s birthday so I made a vegan chocolate flying spaghetti monster birthday cake.

Well that was what it was supposed to be. Due to the fact that I ran out of sugar while making the vanilla frosting it was too runny to make good noodles. So it turned out more of a cake wreck.

For those wondering, this monster creation is made of four small chocolate cakes glued together with chocolate frosting. I made marzipan for the eyestalks and the eyeballs are longans.

 

Hmm I just think of my FSM failure as like when I was in Italy and I would look at all the old paintings of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus and try to pick which child looked the least like you would expect of a Jewish infant born in the Middle East.

Thus this Pastafarian dessert is just a different interpretation of the spagdeity…

 

It turned out to be a tasty treat but so sweet that I classed it as death by sugar. I feared that the cake could be a bit Typhoid Mary too as I came down with a cold around the time I made it.

But no one else got sick and while I thought that I should take it easy, I realised that since my life is one long holiday if I took it any easier I would be in a coma.

Manila extract

My last few days in the Philippines were spent in Manila.

Laina and I checked into a hostel and there was a Finnish guy in our hostel room too. He was in the bunk bed above me so I had a naked Finn on top of me. But not quite in the way I wanted…

It was funny listening to Laina chatting to him in Finnish like it is a real useful language.

 

Oh and I thought it was pretty funny when Laina said that she kept nearly speaking in Finnish and our new friend, a Chinese Texan who now lives in Beijing goes “that’s probably because you’re from Finland” and then did a Muppets Swedish chef impression.

I knew I liked him from the first moment I met him in the hostel lift when I said “narf” to Laina and he knew it was from Pinky and the Brain.

 

Another guy in our dorm room was an older guy who was from the USA but was made up of a whole lot of different nationalities/ethnicities. His ancestors obviously got around.

One time I was waiting for Laina to get ready to go out and she was taking awhile.

He was like “No wonder the Soviets got Finland. They were all too busy getting ready when they invaded”.

 

This guy was full of great stories but that I don’t know if they were true.

 I really hope the falling into a storm drain up to his neck and touching something that turned out to be a dead rat wasn’t!

My favourite was a great tale about the TSA not letting him past airport security due to his boarding pass missing the last three letters of his very long name. So he was like if you want it then you go back and get the CIA for me. They had quite a reaction to this and then he realised what the last three letters of his name spelt!

 

While I was there I wanted to try Pilipino mangoes as I had read that they are the best in the world. I like to try foods I don’t really like every so often to see if I like them yet (I have a theory about taste buds dying as you age).

So at the supermarket I asked one of the workers to pick me a mango, advising him that my future relationship with this fruit depended on him.

He did a good job selecting one as the mango actually wasn’t too bad and I managed to eat half of it.

 

The most sightseeing we did was the day we took a walk thru Rizal Park (well we did walk there at night once as well and I saw a very creepy train, the John Wayne Gacy of vehicles). 

The park is in the middle of Manila and has monuments, Chinese and Japanese gardens and a dancing fountain.

We crossed it on our way to the Intramuros area which is the old walled city of Manila.

 

What I remember most about walking around in the Intramuros neighbourhood were the animals. There was a pig, yes a pig just tied up in the street as a pink porcine surprise.

Further along I saw a horse peeing on the street. Until then I had never fully understood the saying peeing like a race horse. Now I understand just how much that is!

 

We went to the gates of Fort Santiago but did not go any further. As despite the dapper guards in uniform we were not sure it would be truly worth the entrance fee. Sure this fee was nothing in western monetary terms but we were in Pilipino mode now.

So after some quick photos of the gates and a guy selling hats, we went to a mall instead.

 

The Philippines is full of vast malls.  Like seriously big.

A girl I had worked with in Australia now lives in Manila so on my last day we met up at the Mall of Asia. It is the third largest mall in the world and absolutely huge.

The jobs we had are now located in the Philippines so we joked about tracking them down and trying to regain our employment. I’m definitely not going to actually do anything like it since I really don’t want my most hated job ever back at all.

 

I lost track of time in the mall and then realised that I really needed to get back to the hostel to pick up my pack and get myself to the airport for my flight.

We got a taxi and it was just the most ridiculous ride ever.

Traffic was bad as it often is in Manila. But what stressed me out was when the taxi ran out of petrol, the driver got out and refilled the tank with a bottle he had.

He then couldn’t get the car to restart so we sat there (the meter ticking over the whole time) while he tried to get it going.

Eventually he got this rustbucket to move and we continued on. But then he got lost, wanted to go the wrong way down a one way street and couldn’t find our hostel.

We ended up finding the hostel through sheer luck alone.

I was like I shouldn’t have to pay for his car troubles and lack of local knowledge and gave him less than was on the meter. Laina being a softie gave him the rest.

 

I grabbed my pack and said goodbye. I shall miss Ms Laina, she was staying in the Philippines for another month and in an impressive tag team move I flew out of Manila on the same night that three of her Finnish friends were flying in.

It begs the question: Who let the Finns out?

My guess is that all the Finns were escaping at this time to avoid the freezing finny winter.

 

A group of people from the hostel were heading to the airport at the same time as me so I shared a taxi with them.

We got the airport in good time and I checked the electronic board so see which check in desk to use. It said that my flight wasn’t open yet so I just waited for it to update.

It never changed and so I asked an airport worker and it turned out the sign was broken. Awesome. But at least I then found my check in counter and it was open and all was good.

 

Well until my flight was delayed.

But eventually I boarded my Cebu Pacific flight.  I had a row to myself and made plans to sleep stretched out. But my scheme was foiled when a guy came and sat on the aisle seat. This has happened to me more than once. I must work on looking scarier or something to prevent people from invading my row.

 

The flight was fine but I couldn’t help but think that they were filthy liars when they said that they were dimming the cabin lights on takeoff so that we would have a good view of the city.

Sure they probably don’t want to mention that it is really so our eyes are adjusted in case we crash.

But if you are gonna go with that lie at least carry it out properly and don’t turn the lights back up before we are past the city!